A reader who wishes to remain anonymous wrote in to Gulf News asking for advice because her three-year-old had just lied to her for the first time. She writes: “There I was, just standing there, feeling heartbroken that this little baby of mine has figured out that she can hide information and not tell the truth to get out of a sticky spot.
“I was upset the whole evening, spoke to her a lot and basically had a mini meltdown, feeling like a bad parent. But now I'm just trying to figure out what the best way to deal with this development is. Any advice would be much appreciated.”
Sneha John, Clinical Psychologist, Camali Clinic, Child & Adult Mental Health, calls the reader’s dilemma a relatable one. “While shock, self-blame and denial are common first reactions to something like this, the key would be to separate yourself from the situation and deal with the cause of the behaviour instead of the behaviour itself,” she says.
Lay out the evidence in simple but concrete terms that help your child understand right from wrong. As a part of your family rules and values, create a clear household rule that stresses the importance of honesty and truthful communication. This will ensure that your children understand that you value the truth, even when it's hard to tell.
Experts explain that telling tall tales is all part of growing up and there are some positives to their creations such as the use of imagination. WebMD says lying is indicative of:
"Cognitive ability. It takes cognitive skills to regulate their actions, plan their lies and strategise when they lie. Lying is a problematic behaviour, but it could be your child’s way of developing their thoughts and actions.
"Controlling their thoughts. Your child will need to go against what they’re trained to think to maintain a lie. This shows that some children can hold conflicting thoughts in their minds and control which action they talk about."
Dealing with this situation requires some gauging; was the lie serious? Was it just a grandiose gesture? John explains: “As toddlers' language skills are just emerging at this age, they do not have a clear idea yet of where truth begins and ends. At this age, toddlers also have a shaky grasp on the difference between reality, wishes, fantasies, and fears.”
In this case, as the lie was a serious effort to remove herself/himself from the line of fire, John suggests a tempered approach. “Try a mild response that interjects doubt, such as, ‘Really? Then this must not be the water I see on your chin’,” she says.
Conversation is key
Next, she recommends, subtly begin to encourage truthfulness. “Lay out the evidence in simple but concrete terms that help your child understand right from wrong. As a part of your family rules and values, create a clear household rule that stresses the importance of honesty and truthful communication. This will ensure that your children understand that you value the truth, even when it's hard to tell.
“Talk about the different kinds of lies and the damage each type can cause. Explain the various reasons people have for lying and why you expect honesty,” she adds.
Children tend to emulate the grown-ups in their lives. So if you lie, even if it’s a white lie, you’ll probably find that your child is doing it too. “Role model the behaviour you want to see from your child — that means telling the truth all the time. Kids can’t distinguish ‘little white lies’ from other lies. So, don’t lie about your child's age to get them the cheaper meal at a restaurant and don't say you aren't feeling well to get out of a social engagement you don't want to attend. Your child will imitate what they watch you do,” says John.
Finally, she says, “No matter how old your child is, it’s important to explain the difference between telling the truth versus telling a lie. It can be helpful to say things like, ‘If I said the sky was green, would that be the truth or a lie?’ Talk about the potential consequences of being dishonest, such as that people will stop believing what you say.”
Red flags
The American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry (AACAP) explains that sometimes children who otherwise seem responsible fall into a pattern of repetitive lying. “They often feel that lying is the easiest way to deal with the demands of parents, teachers, and friends. These children are usually not trying to be bad or malicious, but the repetitive pattern of lying becomes a bad habit,” it says on its website.
If the lying persists or progressively gets worse, it may be indicative of an underlying problem and so may require professional investigation. But is it normal for a child to lie? That answer is a resounding yes.
Do you have an issue you'd like us to cover? Write to us at parenting@gulfnews.com
