Want contented kids? Put your marriage first

London: Couples who want to raise happy and successful children should spend less time striving to be perfect parents - and instead try to be perfect spouses.

Family therapist David Code has claimed children become demanding and dissatisfied if parents obsess over all aspects of their lives. He argues the "greatest gift" you can give a child is to set them an example with a healthy, happy marriage.

The ideas in his book To Raise Happy Kids Put Your Marriage First, are the latest salvo in a fiery debate over child-rearing.

The TV and radio presenter Kirsty Young recently said the "cult" of pushy parenting "sickened" her and was the "modern disease".

Anxiety

Meanwhile psychologist Dr Madeline Levine criticised "helicopter" parenting — where parents "hover" over their children's every move, for contributing to depression and anxiety. Their conclusions appear to be reinforced by the US therapist's book, which says children suffer from having too much attention.

"Today's number one myth about parenting is that the more attention we give our kids, the better they'll turn out," said Code, who also writes for the Wall Street Journal. "But we parents have gone too far: our overfocus on our children is doing them more harm than good. Families centred on children create anxious, exhausted parents and demanding, entitled children. We parents today are too quick to sacrifice our lives and our marriages for our kids."

He added: "A good marriage sets a great example for your children's future relationships, and that's win-win for the whole family. By killing ourselves to provide a perfect, trauma-free childhood for our children, we're wasting our energy. The greatest gift you can give your children is to have a fulfilling marriage yourself."

Author Ayelet Waldman triggered fury after admitting in 2005 she loved her husband more than her children. She told how her offspring were not the centre of her universe.

In her 2005 essay, she wrote: "It would be wonderful if some learned sociologist published a definitive study that established, once and for all, that children in marriages in which the parents are desperately, ardently in love are more successful, happier, live longer and healthier lives than children whose mothers focus their desires and passions on them."