Off the Cuff: Mother o'mine, what is wrong with English?

The most beautiful word in the English language is "mother", according to a survey among non-English speakers.

More than 40,000 people in 102 countries were polled by the British Council, and mother, passion, smile, love and eternity were the top five choices.

Alas, "father" did not even make it into the top 75.

But why on earth did they ask non-English speakers? This sounds like yet another coup for the Ministry of Silly Ideas ... "Let's go out and ask non-English speakers what the most beautiful words in the English language are." What was wrong with asking English-speakers?

Over now to the Thinking Up Ways of Keeping Our Jobs Department at the Ministry of Silly Ideas. Undersecretary Justin Carbuncle-Smythe is briefing his team led by Piers Withering-Stare.

Justin: "Right, so we need to find out what people who don't know English think are the most beautiful words in English."

Piers: "Call me Mr Picky, but I think I perceive a teeny obstacle here. If they don't know English, how will they know the most beautiful words?"

Justin: "Easy peasy. We'll teach them a bit of English first."

Piers: "But then they won't be non-English speakers."

Justin: "Don't be so negative. It'll be nothing elaborate, of course. Just a few words here and there. I've brought along Mr. Kradovich, a Serbo-Croat speaker who doesn't know a word of English, who has volunteered to test the system."

Piers: "How do you know he volunteered?"

Justin: "I asked him."

Piers: "How?"

Justin: "In English, of course."

Piers: "But he doesn't speak English!"

Justin: "Anyway, he nodded his head, and that means 'yes' all over the world."

Piers: "It doesn't in Greece. It means 'no'."

Justin: "But he's not from Greece, dummy. He's from Serbo-Croatland, wherever that is. So let's try.

Now, Mr. Kradovich, repeat after me: Mother....Muuuuuthr...Muther ... look, he's nodding his head!

He likes it! Now let's try this one: Passion ... Paaaashun ... look, he's nodding again.

Now try this: Tony Blair ... Toneeee ... no, forget that one.

How about smile ... love ... eternity ... he's nodding away again. It works!

We've got our most beautiful words. We can roll this out worldwide and get our survey done in no time. What do you say, Piers? ... Piers? ... Piers?"

Such is the stuff great surveys are made of. Mind you, if anyone had bothered to ask people who actually speak the language what the most beautiful words in English are, they would have got some worthwhile and interesting results.

I almost feel moved to initiate my own survey, because everybody has a favourite word.

And of course a least favourite, most hateful word too.

My own favourite is toddler because there is no more descriptive word. Just watch closely the movements of a two-year-old's erratic progress across the floor and you'll see what I mean.

And my most hateful word? It's Mitsubishi because it is emblazoned across the back of every dawdling, overloaded pickup truck I get stuck behind in the overtaking lane on Al Wasl Road.

Alexander Lindsay is Editor of Pipeline Magazine