Seven dumb questions about smartphones

In a few weeks, we’ll all be standing around the water coolers talking about whether we’re going to get the iPhone 5. It should be out by then, and this time, I might actually join in on the conversation, not only because I expect Apple’s legal scalping of all its competitors to be complete by the time, but because I’m finding my tech needs have changed.

If you’re feeling brave, you might call it a matter of age, but I believe I have developed standards specific to the tech era. I don’t just need to have technology, I need to be able to control it. To illustrate, I’ve compiled a list of questions that I would have asked when buying a new smartphone five years ago and what those questions would be today.

GPS

Then: Why don’t you have GPS? Five years ago, hardly any smartphone had GPS, and then only for maps. I couldn’t wait to have GPS. I wanted it for maps, and then in 2009, I wanted all the new location-based services, such as Foursquare.

Now: Do you have a stealth mode? The list of people I don’t want to be able to find me has grown over the years. Editors, reporters, parents, or your general media hacks. I don’t want them knowing where I am, let alone actually finding me, which is what a number of apps today are designed to do. It’s damn hard to enjoy skiving off for lunch when your mobile is giving you away to the enemy.

Touch Screen

Then: Does it have a digital keyboard? I was a big fan of QWERTY keyboard back when Palm was king, and Nokia continued the trend, but I was sold on digital when I finally tired of the Android sausage finger-resistant keyboards.

Now: Does it have a wifi keyboard? I’m sorry, but after 5 years, comfort has become an issue. Stuck between ignoring you and trying to finger out a 500-word email on a miniature keyboard, I’ll choose the former. In fact, if it’s urgent enough, I can do something truly novel and just call you. Deal with it.

Email

Then: Does it have push email? The idea that I was permanently plugged in to email was a personal confirmation that we were entering a digital world. Communication was instantaneous, since my phone would let me know the second someone wanted my attention. I loved it.

Now: Is that your phone? No, I tell my wife, who started to treat me like I’m deaf. It is my phone, but I’m ignoring it. It won’t shut up. Ever. Two hundred emails a day, and that was only after I started getting aggressive about who I was blocking. It sounds like a pinball machine on too much caffeine. Continuously connected? Just pull the damn plug.

Camera

Then: Does it have a 3.2 megapixel camera? It’s hard to believe that I used to actually like having a camera that produced grainy, blurry photos, which I usually posted to my MySpace page. Videos were even worse. What’s even harder to understand is why anyone wanted to look at these digital abominations.

Now: Does it have a Prince Harry button? You know, something that will prevent any attempt by some putz trying to take pictures of me while I’m doing something stupid sans clothes. It should be tied into the GPS. The second a smartphone senses it’s anywhere near naked flesh, a bar or anywhere with driving distance of Vegas, it should lock itself down for three days, minimum.

High Speed data connection

Then: How fast can it download, because I want to download EVERYTHING. Now. How much? It will only cost me my first born and a month’s salary? SOLD. GIMME GIMME GIMME.

Now: Do you have a plan that only covers me while I’m in the car? The only time I’m not in wifi range is when I’m driving. Do you know how difficult it is to weave in and out of traffic while trying to get 3G coverage. (This is just a joke, people. No need to write in complaining).

But seriously, I have wifi at the office, at home, the coffee shop and even at some malls. It’s still spotty, but the coverage area is growing. That’s important, because when we get in an argument over some trivial piece of knowledge, I need to be able to whisk out my smartphone and look up the answer on Wikipedia. Yes, I am THAT guy. And nine out of ten times, I will be able to do it with wifi. That tenth time? I’ll send you an email when I get home.

Apps

Then: How many apps does you app store have? I once had this idea that I would have an Android phone and an iPad, just so I could have access to both of the major apps store. At one point, I literally had hundreds of apps on my iPad. I would try anything, and even after I tried, I wouldn’t erase it in case I might have a use for it later.

Now: Is there a mass delete button? I have about 20 apps I use, and maybe five I use on a daily basis. Most apps are rubbish, or just pointless. The only well crafted apps out there are ones that have a direct line to your wallet, and those are the last ones I need. I still can’t believe I actually spent $3.99 on better stats in a virtual baseball game.

Battery

Then: The battery will last three days when charged, right?

Now: This will last three hours, right? And there is an extra charger. How about two extra batteries? Any discounts on my electricity bill?

No? I didn’t think so. No matter how much technology changes, some things will always stay the same.