How the workplace triggers high school wounds: UAE experts share how to heal and break free

Did we ever really leave school?

 Why does it feel like we didn’t?

Certain moments can instantly pull you back to emotions you thought you’d left behind. Maybe it’s a performance review telling you that you fell short, or that sudden sense of being sidelined or isolated. The circumstances are different, no one’s laughing in a classroom, but the emotions feel just as raw.

 Mortification, embarrassment, and the desire to run away.

You will find yourself saying, “I just feel like I’m in school again,” as Aisha Khanna, a Dubai-based homemaker and a mother of two would admit. Before she was committed to looking after her home, she remembers what a full-time stressful 9-5 would be like. “I was a perfectionist. I went all out. I didn’t stop at anything to get work, and any feedback that was less than ‘well done’ would make me worry.”

But why so? Khanna admits, “I spent my high school years failing math and doing so badly in subjects like science. My teachers had given up trying to explain anything to me, and told me to focus on theory, completely. And, even in college later, I wasn’t the best at studies, despite working hard. It changed when I started working, but I think that failure and panic was always there. Of not doing enough.”

There’s something about seeing comments, feedback implying that you underperformed that ties a person into knots. There's a shame around failure; a shame that was born in school.

Abu Dhabi-based Ruth (name changed on request) remembers crying for the first few times she was reprimanded for a mistake at a work. “It was a nightmare. I was a nightmare.” 

No, we aren't nightmares. School just scarred us more than we believed. It’s more than academics and bad grades that we can laugh away.

The deepest scars start early

When you 'fail' in school, it leaves a profound and enduring imprint on your psyche.

Diana Maatouk, a clinical psychologist based at the Hummingbird Clinic in Dubai explains further, "Among the many challenges encountered, the experiences that tend to have the deepest psychological impact are those that compromise a child’s sense of self-worth, autonomy, and social belonging.”

And, these include persistent academic failure, public humiliation, peer bullying, and harsh or punitive criticism from authority figures such as teachers. Dubai-based Ameesha Singh still feels chills every time she is called into her boss's office. "I always think I am in trouble, and my mind starts retracing everything that I have done that day. I am 15 again in those moments," she says.

Licensed counsellor Rebecca Carter  from Dubai’s LightHouse Arabia, agrees.  Such experiences harm the core emotional needs such as safety, belonging value and competence. These are shame-based failures, that involve public humiliation, social exclusion or bullying, repetitive negative feedback from authority figures and difficulties in performance-based settings. As a result, a person is left vulnerable, exposed and their identity or self-concept is challenged.

Both experts point out that these wounds often come from the very environment meant to nurture growth.  School is formative. It is the first structured social environment, outside the home, says Maatouk. It plays a crucial role in shaping identity, self-esteem, and relational patterns. The pressure to succeed academically and socially can become overwhelming, especially when children are met not with support but with criticism, rejection, or ridicule.

Why some move on – and others can’t

How are some people  able to shrug off those childhood burdens, while others carry them for decades?

 It comes down to individual personality traits, such as increased sensitivity or empathy, or the presence or absence of supportive relationships, as well as the meaning assigned to the experience at the time. “Typically, we see that people who are able to cope or move through challenging school experiences are those with access to repair after the rupture, strong emotional support and the ability to contextualise the failure or reframe their internal narrative,” explains Carter. 

It also lies in the way people internalises experience, says Maatouk. It blends into their psychological framework. “When early interactions are consistently negative or invalidating, they may become generalised and solidified into rigid cognitive and emotional patterns that persist into adult life,”  she adds.

How it shapes your career path

 Unresolved school experiences can quietly influence the roles we take on. Some people tend to avoid leadership and managerial roles that demand decisions or risks. As Carter says, it can look like analysis paralysis, taking on a quiet over-functioning role or playing small. “Alternatively, it may lead to individuals’ overcompensating with perfectionist, over-functioning and controlling behaviors to manage deeper feelings of ‘not enough’.”

 Maatouk echoes this: “Unresolved school experiences involving criticism, failure, or exclusion can deeply influence workplace behaviour. They often lead to avoidance of risk, fear of rejection, and self-doubt in decision-making or leadership roles.”

The workplace can reawaken old wounds

It might hurt to receive feedback.

It hurts even more to be excluded from a meeting. And the anxiety can creep up on you: Are people against me? Do they not want me here?

It doesn't even have to be feedback. It could be something as simple as a colleague, a close friend, quietly turning into your adversary. That hurts as much as it did in high school.

And if you experience these intense emotions, it’s also  quite possible you could be having a recollection of your early years.  “Certain workplace dynamics can act as powerful triggers, reactivating unresolved feelings of inadequacy and emotional pain that trace back to earlier experiences,” says Maatouk. “One common example is working under a highly critical or emotionally invalidating supervisor. Another involves social exclusion or workplace bullying—whether subtle or overt.”

 The similarity between school and work settings isn’t a coincidence, explains Carter.  “Similar to the school environment, the workplace consists of a hierarchical system, power structures, relational dynamics and is often based on assessment. This can mimic and re-activate old feelings of shame, rejection or inadequacy in the simplest of interactions such as receiving feedback from a manager, public speaking in front of the team or high-pressure work environments characterised by competition and performance.”

Recognising the signs

 So how do you know if your stress is rooted in old classroom moments? “If the intensity or quality of the emotional reaction feels disproportionately strong or strangely familiar, it may be a sign that past experiences are being reactivated,” says Maatouk. “An employee may notice that the dynamic with their manager mirrors how a critical or authoritarian teacher once treated them, or that interactions with colleagues resemble past experiences of being excluded or bullied by peers in school.”

 Carter recommends watching for patterns. “As such patterns often operate unconsciously, it is important for individuals to track patterns of emotion and behavior, particularly when one’s emotional experience is disproportionate to the event or circumstance. I often invite clients to complete a timeline of their school experiences to notice patterns, themes and experiences that may contribute to their emotional and relational experiences in the workplace.”

 Steps to heal and move forward

The good news? It’s possible to reframe those old narratives. “The first important step is developing awareness,” says Maatouk. “With insight, individuals can start creating psychological distance from these reactions, allowing for thoughtful reflection and conscious decision-making rather than unconsciously repeating maladaptive behaviors.”

Carter offers simple tools:

•  Name the connection – recognising and naming the reaction can help reduce its intensity and power.

•  Update the story – rewrite the story of who you are, highlighting your skills, strengths, positive feedback and milestones.

•  Create safe exposure – gradually practice exposing yourself to feared tasks or situations that evoke old wounds.

•  Practise self-compassion – treat your younger self with the kindness and compassion you wish they had received.

As both experts emphasise, the past doesn’t have to dictate your present. By recognising old triggers and reframing them, you can rewrite the narrative – one kinder, more confident step at a time.