Ten things not to like about rock fests

1. Queuing. You know we have bought the tickets. You know we like the band. We are not a threat to the star and we might need the bathroom. 

2. Bad support acts. Yes, they do have to start somewhere. Why here? Get them a big mirror and a school disco instead. 

3. Security. Smile. Be nice. We haven't actually committed any crimes. 

4. Catering. If I wanted to pay that much for a pie, I would have bought shares in the company already. 

5. Parking. Can we go home now please? I have a meeting tomorrow afternoon. 

6. Tall people. Don't stand in front of me. You were short once. I will bite your ankles. 

7. Boyfriends lifting their girlfriends onto their shoulders. If she needs this to love you, buy her a kitten instead (see above for more reasons why). 

8. Waiting for the artist to be comfortably late on stage. It said 9pm on the ticket, so be on at 9pm. You are a pop star, you don't have anything else to do. Your entourage will wash your clothes, pick out the red M&Ms from each packet, comb your hair and buy you sushi whenever you want. All you have to do is walk 5 metres and shout ‘Hello Dubai!!!' 

9. Merchandise. We both know the T-shirt won't survive two washes, the bandana makes you look like a reject from Pirates of The Caribbean and the poster will get bent in the taxi. So price them as disposable once-only items. Like baby wipes. 

10. New material. We loved the singles. We tolerated the album tracks. We don't want to hear the experimental stuff. If iTunes isn't selling it in droves, don't inflict it on us. Do some cover tracks. People like karaoke.