Suresh Menon: Flying into confusion?

The safety lecture on flights must come high on the list of Things We Don't Listen To, and the pilot showing off about how high we are flying ("35,000 feet - I just measured it") is a close second.

In fact, a long flight is probably the time we listen the least to everybody else - from the person in the next seat determined to tell us about her daughter's recent wedding to the steward who tells us what's on the menu without opening his mouth.

That is why safety lecturers, pilots and stewards have so much more fun than paying passengers on a flight.

"Welcome to Flight No. 3.1415, which as some of you know is the value of pi," begins the safety lecturer holding up what looks like a popcorn packet with wires attached. "Some passengers are stored under your seats, and in the event of a crash, please make sure you get their names and addresses. In the unlikely event of our reaching our destination on time, oxygen masks will drop from the nearby aircraft; please grab one and fall asleep because we are going to take our time getting to the terminal in our usual delayed fashion. Should any of you require any assistance on landing, walk through the door marked ‘Exit' and trouble somebody else on the road."

And then you settle down to watch the movie which is cleverly constructed - you can hear the sound on your headphones, but the picture can be seen only by the person in the seat diagonally across from you. "Hi folks, I am your pilot," begins the folksy pilot on the short trip. "If you look out of the window on the right, you can see my house, which I purchased 20 years ago and am still paying for; on your left is the house my wife bought after we were divorced. I need to get out of this job and do something that brings in more money. Like babysitting or pretending to be the echo in Echoing Mountains. Anyway, we are flying over the Grand Canyon, or is that the Eiffel Tower? I'll tell you in a minute..."

Meanwhile, the steward bends forward with an expectant look in his eyes. "Do you want to eat some duty free shopping now, sir, or shall I bring you the small bag with fake peanuts on an elaborate trolley so you can buy a couple for your girlfriend as earrings?"

It is always the other person who has fun on a flight. The only fun you have is when a bawling child finally goes to sleep and you pinch it awake on your way to the toilet so its parents don't get any sleep either.