Play by the in-law rules

What's the difference between outlaws and in-laws? Outlaws are wanted.

That's an old — and tired — joke but it's one of many that stereotype in-laws — they're meddling and critical; they drop in uninvited; and they believe it's their job to rearrange the furniture, give unsolicited advice and check out the daughter- or son-in-law's parenting skills.

Joking to cope

“Sometimes the only way to deal with difficult in-laws is to joke about them, as a coping mechanism, or to identify with others experiencing the same problems,'' says Elizabeth Lyons, author of Ready or Not ... Here We Come!

Although experience shows that many in-laws are wonderful people, the hackneyed view of the intolerable in-law has become accepted as the norm, according to social psychologist Susan Newman.

People expect their in-laws to be difficult, she says, and while the majority aren't, there are always a few obnoxious ones to keep the myth alive.

“Losing contact with my mother-in-law was the high point of my divorce,'' says a woman from Ohio.

Some families have difficulty seeing any member as part of another family or letting someone else into the family, says psychotherapist Rebecca Ward.

Overprotective mothers see their sons' or daughters' mates as intruders. Or they may consider their own child faultless, setting up a competition that makes the relationship teem with emotion, says the author of How To Stay Married Without Going Crazy.

Some families “believe they are superior and that the in-law is an outsider who doesn't have the same abilities, style and understanding'', says Susan Shapiro Barash, author of Mothers-In-Law and Daughters-In Law: Love, Hate, Rivalry and Reconciliation. In that case, the mother-in-law is in a triangle with her son and daughter-in-law.

Both women compete for his attention. Both women want the power. The mother-in-law wants to have the same influence and the daughter-in-law wants that influence to wane.

That's not true for everyone, of course. Many contemporary mothers-in-law are often busy with their own jobs, responsibilities and interests, so they don't have the time or inclination to focus on their offspring's marriage.

But what if someone doesn't like his or her in-laws or in-laws-to-be?

“Ask yourself this — what is the point of disapproving or disliking these people?'' Dr Newman says.

Sons- and daughters-in-law need to make the best of the relationship, especially with the mother-in-law, Barash says.
Still, even when in-law relationships get off to a rocky start, they often change for the better.

“I look back today and see I wasn't mature enough to appreciate my mother-in-law,'' says New Jersey writer Arline Zatz. “For many years I thought she was a royal pain but now I remember the times she would take a train to our apartment — from Brooklyn to Queens — schlepping huge shopping bags filled with cans of tuna, soups, nuts and the coffee she knew I was addicted to.''

Time does it all

Sharon Auberle, a poet and artist from Flagstaff, Arizona, says admiration for her in-laws came only after she became a mother-in-law herself.

But what's important to remember, Newman says, is that relationships are a work in progress.

They change and grow. The simplest gesture, consideration or inclusion can turn the situation around.

ADVICE

Tackling tips

• Don't have unrealistic expectations.
• Don't be overly critical.
• Don't turn the holidays into family battles.
• Be prepared for the different style of family affairs in your spouse's family.
• Do accept that your mother-in-law has a unique style.
• Have a sense of humour.
• Allow your spouse to spend time alone with his or her parent(s).
• Ask how you can help ease tensions.
• Take time out to address and discuss concerns your in-laws might have.
• Spend extra time with in-laws when you can.
• Be considerate and tolerant of an in-law's differing beliefs.
• Overlook the “small stuff'' that upsets you.
• Be patient — relationships grow over time.