Notes to self: Band of dreams

I am a daydreamer, and I have planned out what I would like for my life in quite alarming detail.

If I wasn't me, I think I would be a bit like Mariah Carey or Britney Spears but much cooler. I think I would have the voice of Carey, the moves of Shakira, the musical talent of Carlos Santana and the stage presence of Prince. I never really grew out of the singing-into-a-hairbrush thing, so even when I was in my teens, I bought a guitar just to pose with. I never really tried to play it but it just seemed so right that I should have one. I used to imagine what I would say in interviews and I was determined to never make it a big deal that I was a woman. I learnt all about guitars and used to scour the shops drooling over them every weekend. I decided my instrument of choice would be a Gibson Thunderbird IV 1963 but, unfortunately, my weekend job as a chambermaid wouldn't cover the price tag.

So other than not being able to play the guitar, I had a few other problems that stood between me and stardom. First, I really don't like posing for cameras or being on film. It took the photographer ridiculous amounts of time to get the photo you see in this column now. I was told to look "funky". This is as funky as I could manage.

Secondly, I get stage fright. Thirdly, I can't dance. Fourthly, and perhaps most importantly, my voice is terrible. It's not terrible in the way that people say they have a terrible voice and then actually sound like Sarah Brightman; it's terrible in a sounds-like-you-just-stood-on-the-cat's-tail terrible. It never stops me singing, though.

My ex-boyfriend grits his teeth and turns the volume up on the car radio to drown me out when I get in. It's my biggest regret in life that I can't sing. I was so obviously meant to be able to. The worst part is that the world has lost out on a truly great singer. If you could hear the voice I know is inside, I think it would bring you to your knees. But, unfortunately, it comes out sounding like a wailing siren.

It's really put a dampener on the life I had planned. I was going to tour with my band, Royal Marshmallow (don't ask), which was going to be made up of some of the finest musicians in the industry. We would all be inspired by different musical genres and so our sound would have been a unique blend of pop, R&B, rock and classical. We would have changed music history. I had planned on accompanying this sound with a bit of imaginative self-styling. Lady Gaga has totally stolen the look I had envisaged, by the way.

I suppose now I have to get used to the fact that my voice may remain undiscovered and that I may have to make do with a life of journalism, weekend karaoke and afternoons of daydreaming instead.