Me, myself and identity

During Meg Bertini's divorce in 2002, she faced a dilemma. She did not want to keep her married name and she wasn't eager to revert to her maiden name either.

“It was ‘heavy' and just didn't reflect who I was any longer,'' says Bertini, president of DreamTime Publishing in Las Vegas.

She solved the problem by creating another surname — Bertini — by using the last part of her father's name, Robert, and adding “ini'' at the end in an acknowledgement
of her mother's Italian heritage.

When couples undo their “I do's'' and go their separate ways, women who adopted their husband's name when they married may find themselves with complex decisions to make.

These involve children, parents, careers and their sense of identity.

“Most of the time, women with children like to keep their married name so it's consistent with their children,'' says Sharon Sooho, a family law attorney in Newton, Massachusetts, and a partner with Divorce.net.

Sounds better

“Some women, even without children, prefer to keep their married name because it sounds better or because it's the name they use professionally.''

A few add a new last name and use their previous last name as a middle name. Those who, like Bertini, want to start fresh have options but can also face obstacles.

Diane Dobry, marketing director at Teachers College, Columbia University got divorced recently after 28 years of marriage.

She had just started a business based on her maternal grandmother's maiden name.

“I was planning to change my last name so it matches my new company name,'' Dobry explains.

“But someone told me it might not be a good idea. If I change my name, it might be difficult to prove that I did not remarry, since it is not my maiden name.''

Making a name change legal at the time of divorce is easiest when it involves taking back a birth name or a previous married name.

“When you divorce, the decree gives you permission to resume using your premarital name,'' says Brette McWhorter Sember of Clarence, New York, a former divorce
attorney.

“If you want to choose another name, you have to go through a legal name-change process.

"This requires you to file a petition with the court, explaining why you want the change, then publish a notice of the change in a newspaper of record chosen by the court so that creditors and other interested parties are notified. It is only then that the change is finalised.''

Filing fees vary by county. Linda Trott, a name-change researcher in Anaheim, California, has seen them range from under $100 (Dh367) to $700 (Dh2,571).

Not what she was

When Shari Goldstein of Suffolk County, Long Island, got divorced in 1996, she considered taking her maternal grandmother's maiden name. Her two young sons objected.

“They gazed at me and said: ‘But, Mummy, if you change your last name, you won't have the same last name as us.''' So she kept her married name and used it for her public relations business.

That changed when she remarried and adopted her new husband's name.

“I thought about going back to my maiden name but I'm not that person anymore,'' Goldstein says.

As for her sons, now in high school, she says: “They're not thrilled but they understand.'' Goldstein estimates that it could take up to a year to complete the name changes, personally and professionally.

“Gone are the days when you could just change the social-security card, the passport and the driver's licence,'' Trott says. “There are more people to notify.''

Checklists also include memberships, clubs, associations, insurance companies, schools attended and frequent-flier
accounts.

Change for the better

After Bonnie Russell reverted to her birth name after divorce, she realised she had outgrown it. She then took a radical step, dropping her last name.

That proved problematic. “In the eyes of our bureaucracy, it meant my new last name was NLN — No Last Name,'' says Russell, a legal publicist in Del Mar, California.

“That phase lasted for two years.'' Then she reverted to her maiden name and decided that would be her surname from then on, even if she remarried.

Bertini is also pleased. “My father grumbled, my mother was confused and many of my friends thought I was odd,''
she says. “But my name feels right to me, so I'm happy.''

Tidbit Men agree

Even men may sometimes want to change their name after a divorce.

Sooho says: “If a man, a Jones, marries a Smith, he may hyphenate his name and become Smith-Jones. But when he divorces, he may prefer to use Jones.''