‘Dirty nappies and baby formula make me depressed’

Do you know what’s fun? Having a serious conversation about your views on babies mere weeks into a relationship. But that’s what I found myself doing last week when a friend of mine let slip to my new boyfriend that I don’t want babies.

The timing was beautiful, because I’d just met his mother for the first time, and she’d already said we’d have cute babies together (argghh!). All this talk of babies made me quite queasy.

Now, it’s true that I have gone on about how I never want children but, at the same time, I understand people change. Considering my background faking sick notes so that I never had to do PE at school, I surprised myself by becoming a gym bunny and weightlifter, so I accept the fact things often change.

Sure; right now the thought of being up to my eyes in dirty nappies and baby formula and talking incessantly on Facebook about boring things my baby did make me feel depressed beyond words but, yeah, may be when the time is right I will become enchanted by the idea of sleepless nights and tantruming toddlers. Stranger things have happened, I guess.

Anyway, usually I wouldn’t think to talk about all this with a man I just started dating but, thanks to my friend, the issue came up. Usually I would brush it under the table but, when we met, he made the decision to break up with his serious girlfriend for me, so I guess hearing I never wanted children (when he really does) would be a bit concerning.

I guess he wondered if he’d made the wrong choice. These are all jolly fun things to consider when you should just be deciding what film you’re going to see at the cinema that night.

I told him the truth — I’m 29, I haven’t been in a serious relationship for years and babies haven’t really crossed my mind. May be they will. May be they won’t. Right now I feel about as maternal as a parsnip and, when I consider motherhood I consider it to be a life sentence. But, as I say, that could all change.

I’ve never been in a relationship where this has happened before. With The Greek, I was in my mid twenties and I knew I wasn’t going to live my whole life in Dubai. Now I am nearly 30 and I’ve made it clear to everyone that I could happily live in Thailand forever.

So, like it or not (I do not), people have certain expectations of where your life should be at this age, and probably partying with my friends, blowing all my wages every single month and finding a two-year gym membership too much of a commitment isn’t where some people would like to see me.

At this early stage of dating, there’s already been a hideous amount of talk about the “b” word and I can assure you I haven’t initiated any of it, and neither has he.

I moaned to my sister about it and she said it would only get worse. She’s been with her husband for a really long time (may be 15 years) and they have no desire to have children. She says family gatherings are a nightmare for people handing her babies and saying “see? You do want one”. She also feels quite queasy at the thought of reproducing.

I guess the only thing you can do is ignore where everyone else thinks you should be and concentrate on what you want and, hopefully, that will coincide with what the person you love wants too.

I can’t tell you how much I detest being nearly 30 and all the grown-upness that people expect to come with it.

I am going to spend the rest of the week doing really immature things such as eating an entire box of chocolate for dinner (last night) and wearing cherry hairclips (today) to make up for all the adult stuff that people have inflicted on me.