Look here, you ...

Do men have insecurities? That's like asking does the moon have craters? Okay, so what are these insecurities? And how different are they from women's? More important, what can be done about them? Carolina D'Souza and Ritu Raizada look for answers.

Look at it this way: the faster you run, the more you get tired. The more you get tired, the less faster you run. The less faster you run, the more faster someone else runs past you ... and you then begin to run faster than him so he can be left behind.

Running along with you or just behind you are the whistle blowers - expectations, peer pressures, competitive desires and in all this melee cheering you on are the bystanders - your insecurities - which are hoping you and only you will be the winner.

Of course, this race is for males only. For women, the race track is on some other patch of land and in any case we are not going there.

And who are the sponsors of this men-only race? Well, they come in all shapes and sizes. Receding hairlines, expanding waistlines, flattest flat-packed abs, smartest gadgets, thinnest gizmos, biggest cars, you get the drift.

Why are men called the strong, silent types? Is it because the male ego does not want to admit that it too can feel insecure? In fact do men feel insecure at all?

"Who says men do not feel insecure?" asks Dr Hussain Ali Reda Maseeh, psychologist, Dubai Community Health Centre. "Clinically, I have not heard of (the term) male insecurities, but that does not mean men are not insecure."

First of all what is insecurity?

Insecurity is a feeling that enters an individual's mind if he has doubts regarding his ability to play the role he has defined for himself, explains the doctor.

"Each one of us has a defined role set for us ... and if we are unable to meet the challenges (the role throws our way), we will feel insecure. Take me, for example. I am a psychologist. If I start failing in my own expectations and am unable to cope with the challenges of the profession, I am bound to feel insecure."

Since prehistoric times, he says, man has had his role defined as the Provider of the family and his woman as the Caretaker.

The respective gender roles have been ingrained in us. "Therefore, when a man meets another man for the first time, the first question he asks is, ?Where do you work? What do you do?'.

This is status-related insecurity. In similar circumstances, a woman will probably ask another woman, 'Are you married?' Or 'How many children do you have?'. This, he says, is due to a woman's social insecurity.

A woman's idea of a complete life is to be happily married to a prosperous man and have healthy, smart children.

Thus, gender is largely what defines the type of insecurity in an individual.

Born to be wild

Ever seen a bunch of young girls and boys playing together? They are loud, lively and vivacious. They dress the way they want to and say what they want to. This is the freedom that comes with childhood.

But when childhood fades and adulthood gains on you, the very expressions of freedom you enjoyed as a child seem to be out of reach.

A woman may feel trapped in an oppressive role which does not allow her the opportunity to freely express what she wants to.

Men are not very different in this regard. They too rarely express their emotions and feelings. In fact, when it comes to emotions, men are conditioned to suppress them, say experts.

Male bonding (particularly among those who are young) is restricted to talking to each other about what is macho; showing off their muscles and boasting of their female conquests. "This happens most often with the young lot as they lack experience. They tend to do this out of peer pressure," reveals Dr Maseeh.

"I agree," says Quentin Greyling, managing partner of the Dubai-based H2Q Events & Promotions. "Men need to let other men know how virile and popular they are; even if it isn't true. It is just part of the male conditioning."

According to Dr George Kaliaden, psychologist, vice-president of the Emirates Psychological Society: "Men are genetically programmed to show off. The best example is that of a peacock who preens its feathers to the peahen to send signals that he is the best mate for her. (In any type of social set-up), men struggle hard to prove that they are superior to others to be able to get a better female counterpart."

The male psychology

It was not for nothing that John Gray said men are from Mars and women are from Venus. Attempting to analyse the minds of both men and women is no easy task simply because they differ vastly in almost every area.

"(Men and women express their emotions in different ways) because our society has placed clear expectations and requirements upon our roles as men and women," avers Dr Kaliaden.

"Men don't cope well with grief as a rule ... because it is in man's nature to want to be in control."

In fact, this subtle messaging begins early in a boy's life when he is taught what is considered as appropriate behaviour through statements such as, ?Be a man!' or ?Don't cry like a girl'.

As a result, they tend to suppress their emotions, project strength and confidence, and put up a tough front through all trying situations.

By the time he becomes an adult, the situation changes. Men are criticised when they don't grieve, but their masculinity is questioned when they do. Men have been taught to hide their tears, so anger is the emotion they end up expressing when they are sad.

Farooq Arjomand, Chairman, Arjomand Group of Companies and Director, Amlak Finance, lost his father early in life.

"I guess that is why I got to deal with difficult situations in a totally different manner. That's the way I was brought up. My wife will agree if I say I am a very strong person. But yes, when I watch an emotional movie, I do (shed a few tears) but otherwise ... No, I do not cry."

Jeffar Khaldi, artist and gallery owner, B21 Gallery, Dubai, says he has seen some men cry and admits to shedding a few tears on certain occasions. "It helps release bottled up emotions," says Khaldi.

But according to Dr Kaliaden, "most men give vent to their emotions by getting violent and that is one of the worst things to happen."

Myth: Men don't cry, women don't fume!

Imagine this scene: A man is at work, when he suddenly bursts into tears. The first reaction of his colleagues is to rush to him and offer comfort.

Next, imagine a woman sobbing in a similar situation. In all probability, her distress will not arouse the same kind of intense reaction in her colleagues.

The reason for these differing reactions is simple: When men and women display emotions inconsistent with the gender stereotypes they hold, others conclude that those feelings are more genuine and legitimate.

When insecure, sad or hurt, men tend to camoflage them as anger or stubbornness whereas women express sadness or hurt quite freely.

So, a woman who cries in public is just being ?normal' whereas a man displaying his sorrow in public is a rarity and we must all feel terrified for him for he may be at the slippery edge of a deep emotional abyss.

Likewise, an angry man in public is a common sight, but a livid woman in similar surroundings? Surely, she is in need of immediate psychiatric help.

"Women, typically, are seen as ?emotional' beings and as such their reactions are viewed as normal," says Dr Maseeh. But, of late, men are more likely to be admired for showing their true emotions.

How we choose to perceive the emotional expressions of men and women have a direct impact on our lives. Emotions may be given more consideration or less, depending on who expresses them and how, and not on how sincere they are.

"One can shed tears out of sheer joy," points out Ahmed Bin Sulayem, COO, Dubai Multi Commodities Centre. "(But) one should cry for the right reasons and not be a crybaby."

Men don't talk it out

"Men by nature do not talk as easily as women do," points our Dr Kaliaden.

"Probably it is because they fear that they might appear weak. A man often won't delve into his inner emotions as easily as a woman would and so the burden of grief becomes heavier. In most broken marriages, it is the woman who is more forthright and willing to mend broken fences. Men are very reluctant," he says.

Also, society seems to have drawn up certain constraints for men whereby they are encouraged to not show affection or pain in public. It is considered unmanly.

"But few men realise that by letting go of their painful emotions, they can ease internal pain," states Dr Maseeh.

Men are more inclined to want to "do" things rather than "feel" things. "This is the way they are born," explains Dr Kaliaden.

Types of insecurities

"Men essentially find security in their ability to be the Providers and they are biologically inclined to protect their family as a unit," explains Dr Maseeh. "Women find themselves more able to network socially and take good care of their family."

"It is of prime importance for a man to have a sound career in order to feel secure," he adds.Then there are the emotional insecurities.

"Even the most handsome and richest of men get insecure because they worry too much about finding the right partner at the right age," says Arjomand.

"In our culture, men worry because most often, they do not know much about their mate. Naturally, there are concerns about the mate being a good mother and a doting wife. (He wonders whether) she is marrying him for his name, money or for his qualities as a human being?"

Looks matter!

The obsession with weight and appearance is undoubtedly a female gender stereotype that has acquired a status that's nearly beyond challenging. Most girls are never satisfied with their looks and are constantly on the lookout for improving a part of their body some of the time or all of it, all the time.

"Male insecurity takes the form of low self-confidence due to being overweight or being short," points out Dr Kaliaden.

Jeffar Khaldi, artist and gallery owner, B21 Gallery, Dubai, feels that his "physical insecurities, as vain as they may sound, are associated with keeping fit. I am daunted by the thought of growing old.

"It has nothing to do with being attractive. Rather, it is more a concern for the degeneration that the human body undergoes with age. I am scared of this.

"In a familial context, I tend to worry about not being supportive enough (to my loved ones)."

Even Arjomand is very conscious and careful about the way he dresses and presents himself. "If I put on any weight, I will immediately go on a diet," he stresses.

"I have noticed that those who do not care about their looks, health, and reputation lose interest in almost everything around them. A successful man can be easily spotted because of the way he presents himself.

In order to overcome their economic, social, and personal weaknesses, the New Age Man has started adopting female-stereotypical activities.

Thus, today, it is not uncommon to find men embracing music, dance and other fitness-related activities to keep in shape. They are also regular visitors to grooming salons thereby putting to rest that myth.

But, of course, there are exceptions. "As far as I am concerned, I really do not care about looks," says Bin Sulayem. "For instance, I haven't shaved (today) and am not even wearing a watch. I am more into my work and want to focus on my career."

Talk to him about the male compulsion to look into the mirror each time he passes one (statistically, it has been proven that, in a day, men tend to look into a mirror more times than women) and Sulayem will disagree vehemently.

"Men don't carry compact mirrors with them the way women do," he retorts. "In the vanity stakes, women are most certainly the winners. They will frequent a restroom to check their make-up whereas men hardly do this."

When the wife earns more

For men money, power and self-esteem form the inner circle of self-id. "They are all intertwined," says Dr Kaliaden.

"Money has come to be a powerful symbolic representation of their status in the family. So it is a blow to their ego when they don't earn as much as their mate, because they (then) feel they are not being man enough!"

Traditionally, money has been equated with power in most marriages. It's helixed in a man's DNA to be the breadwinner, or as we say in clinical terms, the Provider", says Dr Kaliaden.

The male is supposed to be the breadwinner.

At least that is what society has been saying for centuries. "It is a role that has been thrust on them," says Kaliaden. "In most cultures, men define masculinity by bringing home more money because this is central to their identity.

"Women don't establish being the breadwinner as ?basic and central to their identity'," says Dr Maseeh. But of late, the number of couples in which the woman is the main breadwinner is increasing. This, experts say, is leaving men in a difficult position.

"The worst part about a man who feels insecure about his wife's higher salary," notes Dr Maseeh, "is that he could begin to feel inadequate, which could lead to marital conflict.

"A man earning less than his mate will turn resentful. He may begin to question himself and develop self-doubt and then, to feel better, may resort to verbal, psychological or even physical attack on his mate."

Khaldi admits that this often results in unhealthy competition. "If you were to pit my spouse as my adversary, i.e., if she is more successful or famous than I am, it would imbalance the status quo in the marriage."

"This is the New Age and times have definitely changed," agrees Dr Maseeh. "There is a huge possibility that women are going to make more money. But don't fight over this. Allow it to be. Communicate with each other, decide each other's roles and form a partnership," he advises.

Men and depression

Myth: A patient with a psychological disorder is most likely going to be a woman.

Fact: "Men deny they have problems because they are supposed to ?be strong'," reveals Dr Maseeh.

"You can say that women are more ?in touch' with themselves and tend to reach out to others for help. Even in a disturbed marriage, the woman will blame herself whereas the man will blame the people around or on things beyond his control.

"Women are more likely to act out their inner turmoil while men are more likely to keep their feelings buried," he adds.

This may be one reason why the term ?female insecurity' is bandied about with such ease. We simply get to see more of it that's all.

So, is this a sign of our deep-seated traditional belief that men are more secure emotionally than women?

"No, it is not so," clarifies Dr Maseeh. "There is nothing clinically designated for either sexes. There are certain biological disorders that can happen to women and a few that can affect men. Since the symptoms of male depression are still not well-known, family members (often) fail to recognise it."

What men should do

"Modern values require that men 'get in touch' with their feelings," concludes Dr Maseeh. "They are expected to be more sensitive, yet strong and masculine."

Most men find it easier to fight their insecurities alone. Though it arguably may be "easier", it is not always better. Men can find a deep sense of comfort and support if they share their feelings with mates, say experts.

So, there we are - sharing, communicating and discussing issues are the most important ways of coming to terms with worrying situations in life. And that applies equally to women and men.