Conflicting lovers

Couples fight. That's the ageless hardcore truth. Why couples give each other the cold shoulder or sometimes have a crockery–bashing blazing row has never been understood simply because the human psyche is the hardest nut to crack.

Researchers in Australia are now aiming to unravel the reasons behind those quarrels and examine the conflict styles of couples. Read the report

The top five problem areas are money, chores around the home, problems with in–laws, children and sex or the lack thereof and while family counsellors are struggling to help couples manage conflict at home the divorce rate around the world keeps soaring.

An elderly couple who recently celebrated their golden wedding anniversary in Dubai told me that the simple reason their marriage survived all the ups and downs was because “we promised each other that we would never go to bed angry''.

It's quite obvious that it worked for them and I've often wondered in the last week if that kind of wedding day promise could resolve the 46 per cent rate of divorce in the UAE.

Quite naturally, keeping a marriage going for any length of time is very hard work and Richard Ronay, the Aussie researcher, hopes that the study he plans to begin next month will better advise battling couples in the future.

In the meantime however, Dr Bob Phillips, a family counsellor, and Kimberly Alyn, in their jointly authored book How to Deal with Annoying People write that all heavy duty arguments must take place before 9pm. This is because both parties are more likely to be tired and because of past experience will know that their issues will not be resolved and the whole discussion will have a negative start.

Also, they add, you could try making three lists:

1. The ideal results you would like to see.
2. The things you are willing to accept/give up/change for the second party and
3. Your bottom line. What things you simply won't give up/fight for/what would put your back against the wall.

With these you may resolve your conflict but watch what you say and how you say it otherwise, instead of great kissing your mouth may invite a verbal beating.

Have a lovely weekend.