What's in a name?

If you want to stand out at South by Southwest, your band will need a name that's both unique and really, really cool.

Bears are cool — as long as you don't name your band Bear Hands, Bear Driver, Bearsuit, Boy & Bear, Deer Bear or the Bears of Blue River. Those bands are already booked to play in Austin.

Maybe you could pick a specific kind of bear. Like a panda. Just don't name it Hot Panda or Gold Panda. Those acts are playing SXSW, too. But gold is such a nice colour. How about Solid Gold? Already booked. So are Gold Beach, Gold Motel, Golden Ages, Goldenboy, Such Gold, the Golden Ghosts and, yes, Golden Bear. So no bears, no pandas, no gold. (There's a band playing SXSW called No Gold.)

Also, no moons. The Hot Moon, the Soft Moon, Moon Duo and the Moondoggies are all headed to Austin. So are Diamond Rings, I See Stars and Babe Rainbow. Don't name your band after anything you've seen floating around in a bowl of Lucky Charms. And please don't combine two dull, sorta-unrelated words and call it a band name.

And don't name your band something that makes me want to slap you when you say it out loud, like Wakey! Wakey! Sorry. Deep breath. But that reminds me — don't use exclamation points! If you do, you're no better than My! Gay! Husband!, Vampires Everywhere!, Say "No!" to Architecture, OFF!, Simon Says No! and the wordless originators of this unfortunate meme: !!!.

Maybe all the great band names have been taken. There's a certain "it's-all-been-done-before" ennui that permeates this crazy information age. Keep that chin up. Because nothing is more Freudian than naming yourself something idiotic and/or extinct, such as Dinosaur Bones, Dinosaur Feathers, Dinosaur Pile-Up, the Dodos or Really Great Band Names.

Kidding about that last one. Really Great Band Names isn't actually a band. It's a pretty lousy name, but it's available if you want to use it. I just Googled it, and you're totally golden. I mean, clear.