‘The Mummy’ film review: A plot full of holes

It’s always amusing to watch Hollywood try to play the reverse chauvinism card — strip the men down to nothing as per the whims of an all-powerful lady, portray some as monsters with a loose little grip on reality, others as seedy thieves that deserve nothing more than the gunshots that are sure to ricochet off their bones,spewing blood and worthless guts.

It’s always interesting to watch, because somewhere along the way Hollywood’s intentions are confounded by the ka-ching of cash registers and the thought of packed audiences. And so there are additions - the blonde who is ‘technically clever’ but in tough times turns into a simmering pile of tears and whimpers; the macho male who against all odds (and his own rakeish nature) saves this damsel in distress while risking his own mortal skin. And without spoilers, there you have it: The premise and pitfalls of The Mummy. Gone are the days of husband-wife archeological duo who would unwittingly release an entombed ancient with a terrible case of the kills (1999’s hit The Mummy and 2001’s The Mummy Returns). Now, we must deal with a thief (Tom Cruise playing a US army man - really?) who pillages old sites. Of course it’s set near ‘extremist’-dominated Mesopotamia (Iraq), so they are liberating the treasure. Cruise, who is impossibly good looking in this movie — he’s 54 going on 20 — has stolen a map to an ancient site from a woman he spent a night with. Yes she follows him — into the tomb of Princess Ahmanet (who went from good; the apple of her daddy’s eye; to evil in an instant — sibling rivalry will do that to you, I suppose). She committed familicide and tried to bring forth the Egyptian deity of death, Set, when she was mummified — alive.

Cruise and gang, of course, set her free.

Now the thing that bothers me is this: I’d be crazy mad if I was mummified alive and found out a few thousand years later that my newfound afterlife meant I’d be literally sucking the life out of humans to stay alive. Revenge, anger, hate (for all humans), I can understand. But this ridiculous donkey-like persistence in trying to finish a project -- bring Set into the world, seemed ludicrous to the extreme. Also, if you’ve seen the trailer - and let’s face it, for most movies, the trailer is the best part — you know Ahmanet can control Cruise. So why must she chase him around? What happened to the good old fashioned: ‘Sit, because I said so?’

The story unravels like a ball of yarn in the paws of an irate cat. The movie is a set up: it fosters the idea of a long-drawn-out sequel plan and a few spin-offs as well.

Can we put the Mummy back in the sarcophagus? Come on Hollywood, let the sand cover up your mistakes.

Out now

The Mummy is currently showing in UAE cinemas.