Stranger Things reality check: You won’t survive Hawkins, here's why

If I were Vecna’s victim and my friends had to rescue me while I floated into the skies with glowing red eyes in search of my favourite song, they’d probably meltdown worse than I would—scrambling between old Bollywood hits, BTS, and some obscure indie tracks only I still listen to. I am not even sure which song will save me.

Yeah, no thankfully Vecna doesn’t exist (fingers crossed, fingers crossed).  But nevertheless, the idea of waking up in Hawkins, Indiana is a little unsettling. A sleepy 80s town with good pizza, even better arcade games, and—oh yeah—a literal portal to the Upside Down in the basement of your middle school. It sounds fun, but might not be so.

So ahead of Season 5, here’s looking back at survival rates in Hawkins. Most fans don’t believe they would ever survive the Demogorgon, you need the quickest reflexes and Steve Harrington’s bat. Maybe a flamethrower?

Let’s break it down.

1. Running From Demogorgons – Survival rating: 20%

We could channel our inner Eleven or sprint like Mike and Dustin, but, sigh, the average person trips over their own shoelaces. Demogorgons are terrifyingly fast, and there’s no chance we would  outrun them through the woods at night. Maybe if we had Steve Harrington’s hair, they’d be distracted… maybe. Otherwise we’re dinner. (You really need to have main character energy for this...literally)

2. Battling Mind Flayers in Hawkins Lab – Survival rating: 5%

If we’re talking climbing into a government lab full of secret experiments, our odds drop significantly. We’re not equipped with psychic powers, and our strategy of ‘walk slowly and hope no one notices’.  probably won’t work. This is officially a “call 911, not 1980s kids squad” moment.

3. Battling Mind Flayers in Hawkins Lab – Survival rating: 5%

If we’re talking climbing into a government lab full of secret experiments, our odds drop significantly. We’re not equipped with psychic powers, and our strategy of ‘walk slowly and hope no one notices’.  probably won’t work. This is officially a “call 911, not 1980s kids squad” moment.

4. Navigating Hawkins Mall without getting lost – Survival rating: 95%

If you’ve mastered Dubai Mall, you’ve done it all. Hawkin’s Mall is easy. Shopping sprees, arcade games, or sneaking a snack at Scoops Ahoy, is manageable. We can dodge bullies and maybe even score a few points on the arcade leaderboard—no supernatural forces needed.

5. Making it through a Hawkins sleepover – Survival rating: 70%

Sleepovers are fun until the lights flicker and something growls in the hallway. If we stick with friends who are smart, resourceful, and slightly telekinetic, we would probably survive… but our overuse of snacks and Netflix marathons might slow us down.

6. Facing Vecna in the Upside Down: Survival rating: 0–5%

Yeah you’re done for. Telekinesis? Mind control? Long hair and creepy vibes? No training montage is going to save us here. The best we could do is hide… or hope Eleven shows up. Run up that hill, folks.

The verdict

 We would probably be okay with Hawkins’ retro charm, snowball fights, mall trips, and friendship bonding. But the moment a Demogorgon, Mind Flayer, or secret government experiment shows up, we’re not long for this town.

Basically, bring snacks, stay in a group, and maybe get psychic powers. That’s the only way to survive Stranger Things in real life.