Struggling with the invisible load in your relationship? Telltale signs and how to fix it
The invisible load goes far beyond just washed dishes and doing laundry…
Oh, but you are much better at planning grocery lists…
I wasn’t born with this talent, I promise.
No, it’s best if you remember…
And there it is, the invisible load.
Abu Dhabi-based Rashmika Doshi, a media professional recalls having several such conversations in her first marriage, which began to fracture the moment she used the words ‘Just for once can’t you…’ to her husband.
“When you start using words like that, you know that you’re carrying the invisible load in your relationship, sometimes invisible to you too, because you might not want to admit it,” she says. “It wasn’t as if he wasn’t doing anything for the house: He did household chores, but it was the tiny details that he could never keep track of, for instance, remembering to pay bills on time, clearing the garden, remembering important dates… and eventually, that became my responsibility. So, I just had to remember everything, because he said that I was good at it, apparently.”
Hidden in plain sight: The invisible load in relationships
Doshi’s husband couldn’t see her point of view and adamantly maintained that he was doing more than enough for them, and their household. “It turned bitter from thereon, and he just disengaged from doing anything in the house, and finally, our marriage broke down,” says Doshi.
That’s the burden of the invisible load in relationships, which is the unseen emotional, mental and logistical responsibilities that people undertake in relationships, particularly in cohabiting or married partnerships. While physical tasks may seem evenly divided, this hidden responsibility can drain a person, leaving them feeling unappreciated, overextended, and resentful
In fact, a 2023 study titled Who’s Remembering to Buy the Eggs? published in the US-based Journal of Business and Psychology, explores the invisible load within families and relationships. Researchers reveal that while visible chores, like washing dishes or taking out the trash, are often noticed and divided, there’s a hidden layer of cognitive and emotional responsibilities - like remembering to buy groceries or planning family events. These unnoticed tasks require mental effort and emotional presence, adding a unique and often unacknowledged weight to one partner’s role in the relationship.
So how do you know if you’re carrying the invisible load in a relationship? There are several tell-tale signs, as experienced UAE residents and specialists explain.
‘You washed the dishes, but left the food outside at night’
The invisible load goes far beyond just washed dishes and doing laundry. Neerja Phillips, a Dubai-based relationship therapist chuckles a little at the thought of how people misunderstand and downplay household chores. “I’ve heard this so often from people: ‘But hey, I do the dishes. I hang out the clothes!’ Yet, it isn’t just about cleaning, cooking, and taking out the trash. Managing the house signifies managing your life together. It is a rather complex web of responsibilities that requires a lot of your mental and emotional energy. Beyond doing just the chores, one person might be keeping track of tasks, like meal planning, budgeting and organising the schedules.”
This invisible managerial load means planning and anticipating other needs, such as buying groceries, planning activities and managing the family calendar. “This mental labour can be exhausting, because it often lacks a visible outcome. Even in households where chores are split, one partner may still handle these responsibilities, creating an imbalance that’s harder to recognise but just as draining.”
For instance, Rory Collins (name changed on request), an Abu Dhabi-based corporate communications manager recalls this very difficulty with his earlier partner. “We both did household chores, she washed the dishes, and I did the laundry, you get the idea. But the basic things: For example, like planning meals for the next day, or knowing when to buy the groceries, which would run out, clearing out the fridge when food was going bad, or something as basic as buying the liquid detergent for the dishes, when it ran out. These responsibilities became mine. If the washing machine stopped working, she would let it be, and if I came home, I would have to get it fixed.”
That’s when the invisible load begins to build up, in the form of irritation, resentment, and anger. “You start by thinking they’re very small things, but in time, it does pile up and has a stranglehold over your relationship,” adds Philips.
‘If I don’t do it, it doesn’t get done’
Apart from household duties, there’s also a mental effort that’s involved in keeping note of all tasks, upcoming responsibilities in the household, explains Kira Holloway, an Abu Dhabi-based psychiatrist. If one partner is constantly keeping track of details, believing that the other can’t do it, they’re carrying the invisible load. “It’s when, they’re constantly thinking of solutions, before the problem arises, because they feel that they are the only who can do or remember the task,” she says. “This could just be paying bills on the right time, remembering the children’s parent-teacher meetings or annual day functions. It’s a mental checklist, that one person keeps going through in their minds, and naturally, that wears a person down.”
So, if you hear the phrase ‘if I don’t do it, it doesn’t get done’, that’s never a good sign, as that’s the sign that your partner believes that they’re shouldering more than they should. For instance, Shailee Sinha, a Dubai-based schoolteacher recalls that in the initial years of her marriage, she was the ‘guilty’ one. She admits rather embarrassedly, that she just ‘left’ the electricity, water bills to her husband, along with replenishing of grocery items. “In my head, I rationalised it, thinking that he would know how to do it, and I, would handle other aspects, like rent or generally other household chores. He came to a breaking point once, because he was really burnt out at work and forgot to pay a very essential bill, which led to a lot of problems for us. That’s the first time he snapped at me, saying, ‘Why couldn’t you just do it?’”
As Philips and Holloway explain, it’s these moments that can really sour a relationship. “It’s when you start feeling, why am I doing everything here? Anger tends to cloud our judgment, and this leads to arguments, where you say things that you later regret,” adds Philips. “It’s particularly harmful at times for relationships, as the other person might be so burnt out that they don’t even try to see the other side’s perspective.”
‘But you’re better at planning…’
Why does one bear the ‘invisible load’ in a relationship? There could be multiple reasons for it. One reason, according to Holloway, is that one partner may justify the other taking on the bulk of responsibilities by claiming they're “good” at it. “It’s the easiest argument to make, and it absolves them of any responsibility. I’ve seen this so many times with countless friends: People take it for granted, when they feel that their partner is more clued in than they are. They just think ‘oh they will handle this’, so they believe that they’re allowed to forget birthday dates or other calendar dates, ignore signs of household crisis, because there’s always someone to handle it.”
Other reasons could stem from belief systems and past experiences. “So, when one person continues to do a task, they start internalising the belief that they’re the only ones who can handle it. This marks a pattern of resentment as well, and can block off the other person who might be trying their best to make amends, because no matter what they do, it won’t be right,” adds Holloway. “All the more reason, these issues need to be addressed in the beginning itself, before the suppressed anger seeps in and poisons the relationship too, leading to more misunderstandings and miscommunication.”
Addressing the invisible load
Philips adds that these loads can be avoided by cultivating compassion - recognising when your partner is overwhelmed and stepping in to share the burden. As in Sinha’s case, it took her months to finally address the issues in their marriage before it got to a breaking point. “I knew my complacency was really beginning to destroy our relationship. So, we had several discussions, and it came down to my awareness, and just noticing things that I hadn’t before. It took a long time, to break those old habits, but we’re at a much better place now.”
As both the experts say, you also need to be proactive and aware. Don’t let it build up and dismiss it as ‘just household things’ as Philips and Holloway say: These are important factors for building a life together, and if a person starts feeling that they’re shouldering everything alone, problems will arise.
Open communication: Regularly talk about responsibilities and acknowledge the unseen mental tasks.
Fair distribution: Ensure both partners share emotional and logistical duties, not just physical chores.
Proactive support: Step in when the other is overwhelmed, offering help before it’s requested.
Practise empathy: Understand your partner’s workload, and express compassion if they seem burdened.
Teamwork: Work together to balance responsibilities, creating a partnership where both feel supported.