How to spot a narcissist in your life: From self-importance to gaslighting, traits and characteristics
They can damage the psyche of other people
Have you ever wanted to snap at someone, ‘The world really doesn’t revolve around you, dear. You’re a mere mortal like the rest of us.’
Chances are, you've been there — and that certain someone was probably a narcissist. They're not just 'difficult' people; it's their inflated sense of self-importance and belief that the world revolves around them that makes them especially hard to deal with. The tricky part? You don’t spot it right away. At first, they might be so charming and magnetic that you overlook the warning signs—until the smoke alarms start blaring, and it's too late to ignore.
Or, that’s at least what happened to Eilidh Boyd, a Scottish expat and Abu Dhabi-based homemaker. She realised that a close friendship, which was bordering on sisterhood, was fraught with harrowing tension. Boyd’s friend was a charming, winsome person; always the life of the party, cracking jokes and engaging everyone in witty banter. She loved the attention and would make jokes about ‘how the party didn’t start’ if she wasn’t there. Yet, Boyd came to realise that regardless of whether that was true or not, her friend wanted to believe it. This elevated self-obsession was beginning to consume their friendship. Boyd adds, “It hit hard when I had just brought home my dog from the hospital, after a life-threatening surgery, and she was so angry with me for not attending her 30th birthday. She didn’t talk to me for days, claiming that I had ‘known about the party’ for months. And I kept crying, ‘But my dog was ill?'
And soon Boyd came to grips with the fact that she was dealing with a narcissistic person, not just a difficult and trying person. It’s a murky, unsettling realisation, perhaps even a heartbreaking one, especially if the person was a close friend of yours.
Identifying a narcissist is challenging, and the healing process that follows isn't any easier. So, how can you recognise a narcissist before you’re knee-deep in emotional turmoil?
Identifying a narcissist
There’s no harm in enjoying the limelight, sometimes. However, when someone constantly craves attention, sulks when they're not the focal point, and consistently shifts the conversation back to themselves, they might be displaying narcissistic tendencies.
Tatiana Rivera Cruz, a clinical therapist and ADHD advisor, explains that identifying a narcissist can be tricky, but several behaviours stand out. "Narcissists often have an inflated sense of self-importance and an insatiable need for admiration, so they love to boast about their achievements or talents. They tend to lack empathy, showing little concern for the feelings of others," says Cruz. Worse, they can manipulate situations to serve their own interests, and relationships with them often feel one-sided.
Narcissists are often characterized by a distinctive set of traits that set them apart from others. One of the most defining features is an exaggerated sense of self-importance; they may believe they are superior to others and expect special treatment, often boasting about their achievements and talents. Their need for admiration is insatiable, leading them to seek constant validation from those around them....
Sana Ahmed, a Dubai-based expat, and software engineer, recalls a manager who was a textbook example of these traits. “She fought for an entire week to get a special desk that set her apart from the rest of the team,” says Ahmed. “She didn’t want to look like ‘just another subordinate.’” Cruz adds that this sense of entitlement — feeling they deserve special treatment regardless of their effort — is a hallmark of narcissism.
Furthermore, they might be rather sensitive to criticism; responding with anger, dismissiveness, when challenged. Worse, they could engage in the rather insidious bullying tactic of gaslighting, making others doubt their perceptions or feelings. The conversations are focused on just themselves; they have little or no interest in what’s happening in others.
She notes down the essential traits of narcissists that set them apart from others:
- An exaggerated sense of self-importance
- A strong need for admiration
- Lacking empathy
- A sense of entitlement; they deserve favourable outcomes, regardless of the effort they put in
- Exploiting others for personal gain
- Proclivity for manipulation
- They frequently interrupt you, and never listen
- They talk in superlatives; people are either the ‘best’ or the ‘worst’.
The ‘narcissist rage’
Most of the time, confronting such a person is nerve-wracking, let alone severing ties with them. It’s an emotional minefield: You’re just faced with explosive repercussions.
Abu Dhabi-based Irsa Roe, a British expat and corporate sales manager, recalls witnessing the ‘narcissist’s rage’ firsthand. It was her first week into a new job, 12 years ago. Her boss wanted to ‘test’ her editing and writing skills, so sent their own work to her to review, and asked her to pinpoint mistakes and ‘provide constructive feedback’. “I was not aware that he had written it. So, I read and pointed out several grammatical mistakes and said that it would benefit from a more cohesive structure,” remembers Roe. The next thing she knew, she was getting reprimanded by her boss in public. “It was terrible. He kept repeating, ‘What idea do you have about structured features? You’re just new to the workforce; I’ve been here for 15 years.'” He repeated his accomplishments several times, till finally Roe had enough. “I handed in my resignation two days later without a job in hand. Perhaps not the wisest decision, but I could not think straight.”
The rage burnt her out, leaving her to question herself for several weeks after that. And this is a common trait among the narcissists. As research has shown, they are believed to exhibit ‘narcissistic rage,’ which is an explosive mix of anger and hostility arising from threats to narcissists' fractured sense of self. A 2015 study titled Narcissistic rage revisited, published in the National Libary of Medicine, argued that this behaviour often stems from suspicion, depression, and angry rumination.
In fact, a review of 437 studies published in the US-based ournal Psychological Bulletin, found that narcissism is a strong risk factor for violent and aggressive behaviour across the board. Narcissism was linked to all types of aggression, whether it’s verbal or physical, direct, or indirect, bullying, or displaced onto innocent targets. The findings were consistent, whether the person was a college student or a member of the general population.
Narcissistic traits and NPD
It’s important to understand the difference between someone with narcissistic traits and someone with Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD). The term ‘narcissist’ is thrown around casually, but NPD is a clinical diagnosis. As both Cruz and Eleanore Henderson, a Dubai-based clinical psychologist explains, we blur the lines between casual descriptions of difficult behaviour, and the clinical reality of Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD). People may exhibit narcissistic traits, such as self-centredness or a desire for admiration.
On the other hand, NPD is a specific psychological condition characterised by a pervasive pattern of grandiosity, a deep need for validation, and a marked lack of empathy that significantly affects interpersonal relationships and functioning. To differentiate between difficult individuals and those who may have NPD, it's crucial to assess the consistency, intensity, and impact of their behaviours, explains Cruz.
Yes, many people could be particularly self-involved and want to be obsessed with themselves. Yet, if they can show empathy and maintain healthy relationships, they’re not narcissists. A narcissist displays all the traits across various situations and often find it difficult to connect with others on a meaningful level. It’s an actual diagnosis that is carried out, as Henderson adds, where the depth and pervasiveness of the traits are studied, rather than occasional selfishness. “Understanding these distinctions is vital for navigating interpersonal dynamics and recognising when behaviours may indicate a more serious psychological issue,” adds Cruz.
Protecting yourself against a narcissist
The emotional repercussions of dealing with narcissists are manifold, explains Henderson. The person is often left questioning their reality, constantly on edge, afraid of upsetting the person, and walking on eggshells around the person. They’re emotionally and physically exhausted, and yet, they’re afraid of pulling away. “As a narcissist engages in gaslighting, they often manipulate the other person into feeling guilty and convince them that they’re the one to blame," she adds.
There’s a lot of healing that’s needed after dealing with a narcissist. There’s a sense of fractured trust, fear and a pervasive state of confusion that exists in a person. To be fair, we often won’t catch the signs so easily, but when we do, protecting ourselves against narcissists requires a combination of awareness, boundary-setting, and self-care strategies.
Cruz adds, “First, it’s essential to recognise the signs of narcissistic behaviour early on, such as a lack of empathy, manipulative tendencies, and a pattern of self-centeredness. Once identified, establishing clear boundaries is crucial; this means being assertive about what behaviours you will and will not tolerate, and sticking to those limits firmly. It’s also important to practise self-care and maintain a strong support system, as interactions with narcissists can be emotionally draining,” she says.
It’s always beneficial to engage in open and honest communication, but also remember, narcissists may not respond positively to feedback or criticism. “When necessary, consider limiting your exposure to such individuals or even cutting ties if the relationship becomes toxic,” explains Cruz. By prioritising your own mental health and remaining vigilant, you can effectively protect yourself from the negative impacts of narcissistic behaviour.