Throwing around the term gaslighting? It's a dangerous habit that destroys trust
Gaslighting is a fine kind of bullying that can be hard to recognise
Abu Dhabi-based Chandana Mishra, a homemaker was rather perplexed when her neighbour once accused her of gaslighting. It was a simple matter of not allowing Mishra’s cat to run free through the hallways as her neighbour appeared to have a morbid fear of cats. Once, she came across the cat at the elevator and reprimanded Mishra, who tried to convince her that she didn’t know that the feline had escaped from the home. “Don’t try to gaslight me, you would have known. You need to respect people’s feelings about animals,” her neighbour snapped and shut the door.
Mishra recalls that she just kept asking her husband later, “How was that gaslighting? How is it my fault that my cat got away?”
What gaslighting really is
A runaway cat isn’t gaslighting, but unfortunately, it has become such a familiar term in our daily discourse that we might need a little more reminding, of what it actually entails. “It is a subtle, insidious form of manipulation, where the person is made to feel as if they can’t trust their own lived experience,” explains Natasha Singh, a Dubai-based clinical psychologist. “It’s a tactic that compels someone to question their own sanity or reality, essentially shredding their confidence and self-esteem to pieces. They feel a rush of confusion. It’s a fine kind of bullying that can be hard to recognise; it’s far more than just ordinary disagreements, malice or just narcissism.” Anne Jackson, a Dubai-based psychotherapist and life coach elaborates, gaslighting has two core features. "The first is the exploitation of the target’s natural inclination to question themselves, a healthy self-reflectiveness which is warped into global self-doubt—a state where the victim loses trust in their own experiences and memories. The second feature is the 'gaslighter' positioning themselves as the sole narrator: 'My story is real, and yours is not.'"
Gaslighting has two core features. The first is the exploitation of the target’s natural inclination to question themselves, a healthy self-reflectiveness which is warped into global self-doubt—a state where the victim loses trust in their own experiences and memories. The second feature is the 'gaslighter' positioning themselves as the sole narrator...
Some examples of gaslighting would be:
Minimising emotions: A partner loses their temper during an argument, but later refuses to acknowledge the intensity of their reaction. Instead of apologizing, they downplay their behaviour: “I wasn’t that upset. You know I care about you, so why are you making this a big deal? Why can’t you just let it go?”
Invalidating feelings: Someone habitually makes ‘jokes’ or negative remarks about their partner. When their partner expresses hurt, they shift blame, saying, “Why are you so sensitive? You need to toughen up. You’re always the victim, unable to handle even the smallest comment. Everyone knows this about you.”
When a person is compelled to feel insecure and unsafe about their own reality and experience, it’s gaslighting. The patterns could include deceiving them, or denying their memory of events, trivialising their views, or insisting that they’re right and ignoring the other person’s views, and diverting attention by undermining the other person. So as Singh explains, when you constantly feel uneasy around a person who weaponises their love, and still feel uncomfortable with excessive love that they shower on you, then you have a gaslighter in your midst.
What gaslighting isn’t
Have you felt misunderstood in an argument? It’s frustrating for sure, but that’s still not gaslighting.
Gaslighting isn’t a simple disagreement. It isn’t a matter of two people understanding a situation differently, which is what happens in most relationships. It isn’t someone who is unable to see something the way you do, explains Joseph Belda, a Dubai-based consultant psychiatrist.
Explaining further the difference between disagreements and gaslighting, he says, “You might get irritated in the heat of the moment, when the other demands facts in a discussion, but that’s still not gaslighting. They might be getting on your last nerve, but that’s also probably because they’re sticking firmly to their view. Moreover, you might be unhappy with a person due to the way they communicate, for example aggression, or excessive bluntness, but that does not constitute the careful manipulation that gaslighting actually is,” he says.
In gaslighting, you will always be made to feel in the wrong. There’s no compromise. Gradually, you don’t have the ability to think clearly and rationally. You question yourself often, replay older situations and try to find out where you went wrong, he says. You start defending yourself against accusations that you know somewhere aren’t true, but that element of doubt remains in your mind, like a thorn. A gaslighter will say outright lies ‘I never said that’, and their actions rarely match their words. Moreover, they bring in other people into the conflict: ‘Xyz said you are acting strangely too’. You start feeling isolated, as the gaslighter carefully manipulates, confuses and belittles you into being controlled.
The misuse of the term gaslighting
This emotional turmoil is exacerbated by the casual way the term 'gaslighting' is thrown around in today’s discourse. The truth is, ‘I got gaslit’ has become a common refrain over the past few years on the internet, especially on social media platforms such as TikTok and Instagram, explain the specialists. When someone is confronted about their behaviour or feels challenged by someone else's words, they often resort to using the term as a means of conflict resolution, but this approach only aggravates the situation. This compromises our ability to communicate with each other, explains Sherrin Ross, a Dubai-based stress specialist.
The flagrant misuse of the term generates misunderstandings, which escalates conflicts. “It creates confusion and dilutes genuine victims’ experiences in toxic, abusive relationships,” says Ross. So, before you cry foul in a conversation that doesn’t sit well with you, you need to keep in mind the essential differences between gaslighting and other types of conflict. Gaslighters intentionally manipulate their victims so they doubt their lived experiences. If this isn't a person's intent, there's probably another term or phrase that describes their behaviour more accurately.
Moreover, when gaslighting is used incorrectly and casually, it undermines the seriousness of true gaslighting, making it harder for victims to recognise their situation and seek help for actual emotional abuse, explain Ross and Jackson. When trivial disagreements are mistakenly branded as gaslighting, the real implications become dangerously obscured, as it becomes harder for genuine victims to recognise the signs of a harmful relationship and realize that they may need to remove themselves from the situation when it’s safe to do so. Furthermore, people tend to cry gaslighting to deflect responsibility and accountability, explain the specialists. Disagreeing with someone or having a different opinion doesn’t mean they’re trying to control or gaslight you. People can hurt their friends, family, partners, and co-workers without necessarily gaslighting.
Worse, misusing the term gaslighting sows confusion and doubt, making it harder for real victims to be believed and supported. Ross adds, “When gaslighting is casually applied to minor disagreements, friends and family may start seeing it as less serious, overlooking the signs that someone they care about truly needs help.”
Walking on eggshells….
It’s a lethal accusation to make.
Dubai-based Hannah Lee, a marketing professional was often beset with doubts, when her 18-year-old sister would call her a ‘gaslighter’ after every argument. “She had just learned the word, and seemed to think that everyone who didn’t agree with her, was a gaslighter,” recalls Lee. “So, if we disagreed and fought over her punctuality, or her laidback attitude towards college work, she would call me a gaslighter. It hurt terribly, and I had such a sense of rage whenever she used it, even though I told her to stop calling me one,” she says.
When you’re accused of being a gaslighter for no reason, you feel so crushed, she adds. “You start wondering, ‘Am I really that bad?’ And so, you start tailoring everything that you say around that person. And that’s what happened: My sister knew that I was anxious about causing her such harm, so she would use it as a weapon. It’s a cruel accusation to make and people really don’t understand the significance of gaslighting,” she says. Later, Lee’s sister understood the ramifications of throwing around the term after she was with a partner who emotionally manipulated her for years.
Similarly, Georgia Haylon, a Dubai-based corporate communications manager was taken aback, when an employee suddenly attacked her for gaslighting. “I had reprimanded her for missing deadlines repeatedly, for creating strong tensions in the team, and then she complained to Human Resources that I was gaslighting her. Luckily, the evidence and testimony from the rest of the employees helped my case, but it really shattered me at the time,” says Haylon. “You start questioning yourself and are almost afraid to engage or confront such people, because they call you a gaslighter,” she says.
What to say instead of gaslighting
The misuse of the term gaslighting incites further tension and anger. So, instead of using that term, speak directly and clearly, adds Singh. “Use ‘I’ statements to get your point across, as opposed to accusations, and describe the specific behaviour or issue. Explain that you feel that your concerns are being dismissed, as opposed to quickly saying ‘you’re gaslighting me’. Elaborate on your needs clearly by using specific, precise terminology,” she says. Remember, gaslighting is a form of abuse and it’s important to use it, in actual instances of gaslighting.