Stop playing the victim: Five habits to boost resilience
The world doesn’t owe you because you had a tough childhood
The adage, ‘You never know how strong you are until being strong is your only choice,’ is a familiar one. It refers to the untapped reserves of strength in people during hard times. It echoes the sentiment of Disney's Mulan: ‘The flower that blooms in adversity is the most rare and beautiful of all.’
Maybe, you didn't know that you had the strength all along. As Katy Holmes, CEO, British Chamber of Commerce Dubai says, explaining her own understanding of strength, "Strength to me - after the obvious correlation to the physical condition of the body - means resilience. In the last few years I have faced some very challenging times in my personal life, events that nothing could have prepared me for and yet I got through them. It’s only when you reflect back that you realise the strength, it took rather than knowing the strength you have. Strength in the mind, strength in your support network, and strength in your ability to draw on every resource available to you."
It’s only when you reflect back that you realise the strength it took, rather than knowing the strength you have. Strength in mind, strength in your support network, and strength in your ability to draw on every resource available to you...
Strength has many meanings and definitions. Yet it need not only be forged in the crucible of hardship either. Many people find solace in the belief that adversity is a catalyst for personal growth. Yet, what we sometimes forget is that there’s also value in proactively cultivating strength without the added troubles of looming storms. As Namrata Malude, a Dubai-based stress specialist explains, building, fostering this mental strength is a necessity to achieve your own goals or help others build theirs.
Malude explains, “There are many fluid definitions of strength. It indicates a person who asserts their boundaries, someone unafraid of being vulnerable and sharing their emotions, and the courage to acknowledge faults. It’s the ability to accept your imperfections and asking for help, during difficult times, which isn’t the sign of weakness that people think it is.” In order to cultivate these qualities, you need to discern the habits that lead to mental strength and resilience.
While reflection, mindfulness, embracing challenges, routine, and healthy connections are beneficial, they are just part of the equation. There are other essential habits that can significantly boost mental strength and resilience.
Stop wallowing in self-pity
You need to stop pitying yourself, explains Malude. Boss yelled at you? It hurts, stings, but start searching for solutions rather than gravitating towards the mindset, ‘I’m always treated like this’ and ‘I don’t know why I have to face situations like these all the time’. “I think people who want to cultivate qualities that lead to strength and resilience, need to start with this habit, first. Stop playing the victim,” she says.
When you stop ruminating on grievances from the past or even present, you establish a sense of control over your own life. “You might find a ray of hope and feel motivated to look for more solutions,” says Malude. It fosters self-awareness, too. “People who can recognise and manage their feelings of sadness or disappointment without becoming overwhelmed, can cope better with adversity, too.” In other words, by overcoming the self-pity trap, people take ownership of their circumstances and actively seek solutions, which fosters a sense of agency and control.
In reflecting on how personal hardships can be transformative, Hadassah Vorm, a Dutch trauma therapist who has experienced more than a fair share of harrowing hardships, shares her perspective. After a difficult childhood, a broken marriage, and finally starting own life again at the age of 39 with practically nothing, she found opportunities to grow. The deep emotional scars don’t define her; instead, she saw it as a chance to help and try to empower other women, who feel emotionally ‘stuck’ and are looking for help. “The healing path is never easy and might even take years, but you can use your own experiences to find your destiny in life.’
However, this does not mean that you should suffer alone, either. Misha Akbar, a mental health expert, learned the real meaning of strength, after watching her mother battle cancer quietly alone. As she explains: Strength isn't about shouldering burdens without anyone's help. Real strength is in vulnerability and in being authentic with your emotions. It’s about embracing imperfections rather than hiding them. "I’ve understood that true strength lies in giving space to the emotions that arise when we face difficult or overwhelming situations. Being vulnerable—especially during moments of failure—has allowed me to reflect, recalibrate, and redefine what matters most," she says. Strength isn't about pretending things are 'okay' either. "It’s about adapting, letting myself feel the disappointment, and charting the path forward. Most importantly, I’ve realised that strength requires being kind to myself during tough times, rather than pushing relentlessly."
I’ve understood that true strength lies in giving space to the emotions that arise when we face difficult or overwhelming situations. Being vulnerable—especially during moments of failure—has allowed me to reflect, recalibrate, and redefine what matters most
Cue-response associations, breaking the reflexes
How can you break free from negative patterns?
Allison Keller, a Dubai-based British expat, would always lapse into apologies, even when she wasn’t at fault. It was a reflex. Her friend complained about the soup at a restaurant during a dinner, Keller instantly said sorry, as she had chosen the restaurant. Once, Keller ordered a gift for her partner; something she thought that he always wanted. It was the wrong one. Keller cried, and apologised, feeling as if she had ‘ruined’ his birthday.
After years of seeking professional help, finding support in her friends and realising her instant apologetic reactions stemmed from a traumatic childhood story and a series of unhappy, fractured relationships, Keller doesn’t have a knee-jerk reaction and apologise. It feels oddly empowering as she says; she feels ‘healthier’ and better than she ever did before. “So, now, if someone tries to tell me I’m at fault for something that I didn’t do, I ask them to explain further, the whys, the how of it, and understand the situation completely before seeing if I need to apologise,” she says.
As Laxmi Iyer, a Dubai-based therapist explains, understanding associations between triggering environmental cues and our behaviours can help break free from negative patterns and form positive ones. Explaining the concept as ‘cue-response’ associations, she says, “They are the automatic links between environmental cues and our behaviours. These associations are formed through repetition and reinforcement. For example, if you always check your phone first thing in the morning (the cue), it's likely that you'll continue to do so (the response) without even thinking about it.” So, you need to understand these associations, as it will help you break the negative patterns. “By identifying the cues that trigger unwanted behaviours and the rewards that maintain them, you can intervene at the root of the problem.”
Here's a breakdown of how this works:
Identify the cue: Pinpoint the specific situation, time, or location that triggers the unwanted behaviour.
Recognise the reward: Determine what you gain from the behaviour, whether it's immediate gratification, stress relief, or a sense of comfort.
Replace the response: Find a healthier or more productive alternative that can provide a similar reward.
Practise and reinforce: Repeat the new behaviour consistently to strengthen the new association.
Stop with the judgement
Have you ever caught yourself judging someone harshly, only to realise that you were projecting your own insecurities or flaws onto them? This common human tendency is a prime example of the ‘bias blind spot’, a psychological phenomenon that can significantly hinder our mental growth.
For example, Oindrilla Doshi, a Dubai-based homemaker, remembers being unreasonably sarcastic, after her friend announced that she would be travelling to Europe with her in-laws for a week. “I was unbearably judgmental; I kept saying, ‘I don’t think you can manage it’, even though I had no ground to say that,” she recalls. As Doshi finally admitted later, owing to her own particularly strained relationships with in-laws, she was rather unpleasant about others, who could in fact, enjoy a holiday with their family without any residual bitterness.
Judging others always sounds fun, but it really isn’t. People who are mentally strong, or at least who try to be, realise the crippling effects of judgement. As Iyer explains, “By focusing on criticising others, we strain the mental muscles, that could be better spent on self-improvement and personal growth. Moreover, judging others can exacerbate our own biases, making us blind to our own flaws.” When we judge others, we often dismiss their perspectives as flawed or biased. This self-righteous attitude can undermine our own mental strength and leave us vulnerable to manipulation. Instead of perceiving ourselves as superior, we're actually blind to our own illogical thinking.
As Malude adds, to break free from the bias blind spot and cultivate mental strength, we must cultivate the habit of self-reflection and non-judgment. Before criticising others, ask yourself, “Could I be projecting my own issues onto this person?” This simple practice can help you gain mental clarity and avoid falling into the trap of bias.
One positive consequence of reducing the bias blind spot is ‘intellectual humility’. This trait involves recognising the limitations of one's own knowledge and being open to different perspectives. By cultivating intellectual humility, we can become more effective learners, problem-solvers, and communicators.
Taming, controlling fear
From dangerous snakes, spiders, accidents, heights to more intangible emotions such as failure and rejection, we’re all filled with fears. However, acknowledging your fears and at least attempting to tame some of them, is always a start, explain the psychologists. Iyer explains, that while it’s not possible to unfreeze and thaw out all frozen fears lying deep within us, even challenging and working through some, is the sign of a person with mental strength.
Elaborating further, she says, “We often approach the unfamiliar with a fear of loss, which can bias our thinking and fracture our ability to take calculated risks. If you want to cultivate resilience and strength, try resisting this tendency. Consider different approaches, such as stepping away momentarily to assess situations. By doing so, you can respond thoughtfully, avoid impulsive reactions, which are far more dangerous in crisis.” Mental strength is all about managing your fear effectively.
Empathy for others
Finally, a little of kindness to others can make all the difference to their world. Mental strength is often misconstrued as ‘toughness’ and ‘tough love’, which translates to a subtle aggression when someone is in genuine trouble. There’s not much point in saying ‘fight back’ and ‘the world is a difficult place’, when they are suffering, explains Iyer. You need to exhibit empathy and care for them. “We’re so caught in the race of survival, that we leave empathy and care behind. People who cultivate and demonstrate empathy, have the chances of bringing up happier and far more resilient children,” he says.
Research backs this: A 2014 US-based study published in the Journal of Social Psychology, found a strong positive correlation between empathy and resilience, suggesting that individuals who are empathetic are better able to cope with adversity. Additionally, empathy can help people understand and manage their own emotions, which is essential for resilience.