Pleasing people just to protect yourself from harm? How to break out of it
Behaviour could be connected to your childhood or a traumatic event
You might remember the 2008 romantic Hollywood comedy, 27 Dresses. Katherine Heigl plays the role of harrowed Jane, who lives her life for everyone else, including her bratty little sister, Tess. As a result, she’s of course miserable, as she has to watch her sister marry the man she’s in love with. And, she plans the wedding, because she doesn’t want to upset her father. Worse, she has to give up her mother’s wedding dress that she had planned for her own wedding.
As all romantic comedies go, her life changes towards the end of the film, thanks to falling in love with the cynical James Marsden’s Kevin, who forces her to put herself first. In a moment of self-awareness, Jane finally quits the job, admitting that she continued with it as she ‘felt comfortable’, and outs her sister publicly at the wedding rehearsal dinner. As Kevin reassuringly tells her, “You did something, for the first time in your life, for yourself.” Sadly, in real life, many of us might not have someone to knock sense into us, so we need to rely on ourselves.
Don’t get me wrong, for the most part, people pleasing is wholesome behaviour. But like Jane, if you keep at it, you might just be living a rather inauthentic life and thinking that you are protecting yourself from more harm, by pleasing everyone.
In short, you please people as a defence mechanism.
How is people pleasing a defence mechanism?
You pretend to like a football club to fit in with a group of friends. You have a hazy idea about the club, but you’ll still watch the matches because you don’t want to feel like an outcast. You’re trying to please everyone, because you fear rejection.
People modify their own behaviours to prevent others from harbouring any negative emotions about them. Recently, US-based psychiatrist Gessica Di Stefano had summarised people-pleasing as a defence mechanism in an Instagram post saying, “People pleasing can be considered a defense mechanism because it involves altering one's behavior, opinions, or preferences in order to gain acceptance, approval, or avoid conflict with others.
“It often comes from a fear of rejection, criticism, or negative judgment,” she wrote. People believe that by constantly meeting others expectations and desires, they can avoid being rejected or abandoned. It is also a method to protect themselves from the pain of social exclusion or disapproval. For instance a person is so afraid of being yelled at by their seniors at work that they agree to pack their schedule with impossible tasks, far more than they can manage. They will constantly say yes, when they mean no, apologise when they haven’t made a mistake, and willingly take responsibility for others emotions.
People pleasing also stems from a lack of self-worth and a subtle desire to control the outcome, explains Dubai-based wellness expert Noona Nafousi. People seek to rely on external validation, like a metaphorical pat on the head to feel good about themselves.
People pleasing also stems from a lack of self-worth and a subtle desire to control the outcome. People rely on external validation...
"In every culture, pleasing behaviors are taught as part of 'socializing' to attract others," says Lakshmi Saranya, clinical psychologist at Mediclinic Deira. "People who have most pleasing behaviors are usually liked by all. But if a person does not understand the boundary of this pleasing behaviour, they can become a victim of trauma and this can lead to a damage of "self"," she says. Pleasing behavior can sometimes be linked to trauma, as people who have experienced traumatic events might develop certain coping mechanisms and behaviors to navigate their emotions and interactions.
For example, constantly showering your friends with gifts. They’re very happy, and you’re happy because you made them happy. So, you will keep buying gifts, even if it isn’t financially viable for you. Owing to a fear of losing friends in your past, you feel reassured when they express how happy they are when you do something for them.
People who have most pleasing behaviors are usually liked by all. But if a person does not understand the boundary of this pleasing behaviour, they can become a victim of trauma and this can lead to a damage of "self".
"This kind of behaviour can become a manner to minimize potential triggers or situations that could lead to further distress," explains Saranya. "It might also serve as a way to manage intense emotions, by focusing on making others happy rather than dealing with their own feelings," she adds.
The root cause…
There are a variety of reasons why a person becomes a people-pleaser and places everyone else’s needs above theirs.
“The need to please to feel better about ourselves is the result of years of believing that we are not enough or lovable or important or good enough,” explains Danielle Dao, a Dubai-based holistic life coach. “It is also a response to a traumatic event in our life, such as having abusive parents or emotionally not available parents, parents who criticised us or a loved one in front of us regularly, bullying and peer pressure. The root cause can be many things and vary from person to person,” she says.
The need to please to feel better about ourselves is the result of years of believing that we are not enough or lovable or important or good enough. It is also a response to a traumatic event in our life, such as having abusive parents or emotionally not available parents, parents who criticised us or a loved one in front of us regularly, bullying and peer pressure
This desire to please could stem from childhood, as Saima Asghar Riaz, a career and education guidance counsellor and certified coach explains. Children are often taught that 'nice kids' don't offend others. "Children who disagree with popular opinions or express ideas contrary to those of others, are often branded as stubborn, while those who are malleable are rewarded with praise," says Riaz.
These people pleasing habits that serve children well, continue to bring success in many parts of adult life as a self-defence mechanism against criticism and a way to maintain personal and professional relationships, but often at the expense of our own happiness. "They give us a sense of guilt when setting boundaries, expressing ideas contrary to others’, or just simply trying to find a voice that others are not used to hearing, explains Riaz. This results in burnout and brewing resentment in relationships, when people feel they are being taken for granted.
‘At the cost of my mental peace…’
Thirty-nine year old Mina Stevens, an Abu Dhabi-based British expat and homemaker, recalls her rather fractured relationship with her mother. “I never wanted to upset my mother. She wanted me to take ballet lessons, and I hated it. But I still went, though I was miserable for every moment. I cried and told her that I didn’t want to go, but she said that I must. She got angry, when I resisted. So I went. She refused to pay for my art classes, because she thought it was a waste of time. I didn’t fight and agreed to that, too, even though I loved painting. I agreed to everything my mother said, because I think that I didn’t want any fights or arguments. She forced me to pursue the sciences, I did, even though I didn’t want to. I failed, dropped out of college, and had to start over again, afresh.”
Stevens admits that this pattern of appeasing followed her to her workplace, as well, when she turned to marketing as a profession. “I left that too, and now I’m a homemaker, just stepping back to take a breather before I start applying for jobs again,” reveals Stevens. “I’ve said yes to everyone in my life, so I am trying to rewire myself again,” she adds. “It feels good only momentarily to appease someone, but in the long run, it can create a bigger problem.”
People pleasing behaviours give us a sense of guilt when setting boundaries, expressing ideas contrary to others’, or just simply trying to find a voice that others are not used to hearing..
Calling it a ‘pain-killer’ effect, Dao explains that pleasing others can only provide a temporary feeling of self-importance and good feeling, after which, it wears off. “The more we put ourselves second while excelling in our pleasing skills, the more we make it natural for others to also put us second, as we are setting the bar on how we want others to treat us or ‘utilise’ our ‘pleasing’ services. As we become expert at pleasing, we empty our reserve of self-value and self-respect,” she says.
As a result of this constant effort to please people, a person gets trapped in cycles of anxiety. This could fuel the feeling of living a rather inauthentic life, as you place everyone’s needs ahead of yours. You might also experience frayed relationships, as you feel that you are being taken for granted.
How can you break out of this cycle?
"It's not a universally negative trait," says Saranya. "It can be a helpful tool for navigating social interactions and maintaining positive relationships. However, when pleasing behavior becomes compulsive or interferes with one's well-being, personal growth, and authentic expression one should start breaking this cycle."
Most people-pleasers are not aware of their behaviour, says Dao. However, as soon as they do become conscious of it, they can work towards changing it. “It is a rather challenging and painful process, and it can take years of unlearning. The pain from the fear of not being liked by saying no or to stop pleasing people is immense. It will require a lot of inner work to remove related emotional blockages, beliefs and suggestions we once gave ourselves that makes us work hard for love, ‘beg' to belong or to chase acceptance from others, or to have to prove our value,” she says.
Nevertheless, start small by working slowly on your boundaries. It is not only difficult to change behavioural patterns, but you also have to let others know what your limits are. Say no to smaller requests and ask for something you need. First, you can start by refusing a text request, and then gradually, proceed to saying no in person. Practice in different environments, like restaurants, or talking to even co-workers.
Here are some things to keep in mind
Consider the request
Examine whether someone is trying to take undue advantage of your goodness. See if it is from someone who wants help from you, but is unavailable when you need them.
Stop making excuses or blaming yourself
If it is not possible, it is not possible. Be direct when you say no. Don’t start explaining why you can’t do something, as people will find it easier to poke holes in your story.
Help when you can actually help
This does not mean you should stop being kind or thoughtful. Just be more aware about your intentions, and don’t agree to helping out or being there for someone, just because you crave their approval or fear rejection.
Take some time
You don’t have to say yes right away for every request; stall for time. This brief period can help you re-evaluate if it’s something you really want to do. Ask yourself about how much time it can take, whether it will stress you out, and do you really have the time for it.