Do you drain the energy out of others? How to stop being an energy vampire
Whining, attention-seeking and muttering under the breath is just the tip of the iceberg
From traffic woes to the weather's betrayal, every inconvenience is a five-alarm fire, and they need your full attention to extinguish it. ‘They’ being the energy vampire; people whose conversations are a never-ending symphony of complaints, whines, conspiracy theories, and groans.
Dubai-based Khushi Sinha explains how she dealt with one such vampire. Sinha, a freelancer was rather wary of her brother’s partner. She would constantly direct attention to herself, explains Sinha. “She would keep mentioning that she was sick and feverish, so we would tell her to go and rest, but she refused to do so, and then would stay on and continue to tell everyone that she was ill. As a result, we could never have a proper conversation,” recalls Sinha. Nothing seemed to make her happy; she loved the drama, as Sinha explains wearily. “She would storm out of cafes and restaurants over mild disagreements and my brother would spend the next hour trying to tell her to come back,” she says.
It was physically exhausting to deal with such a person, and Sinha had to start refusing to come out with the couple. Finally, she explained to her brother that she wasn’t comfortable around his partner, a rather unpleasant experience that she would have happily forgone. Describing the feeling of being around such energy vampires, Sinha adds, “It’s as if you’re constantly walking on eggshells. You never know what sets them off.”
And as it turns out, energy vampires come in all shapes and sizes. Others share their stories too: Melanie Barton, a Dubai-based public relations professional says that she knew a colleague who would keep talking about his problems, but never listen to a possible solution, if anyone offered one. “If we ever tried helping him, he would just say ‘hmm’ and continue ranting about how awful life is. Everything in his life was terrible as he said, bosses, friends, colleagues, family and even his cat that finally ran away from him,” she says.
Before we get to the survival guide of how to actually deal with an energy vampire, here is the lowdown of the signs, first.
What are the signs of an emotionally draining person?
Whining, attention-seeking, and muttering under the breath is just the tip of the iceberg.
Kirin Hilliar, professor in psychology at the Heriot-Watt University, Dubai, explains, if you need to recuperate after spending time with a person, it’s a sign that you’re in the presence of an energy vampire. “Such people like the drama and make everything about themselves. They have a tendency to lie and even gaslight, which gets you to question your own reality,” she adds. For example, they could say something hurtful and then retract the statement, pretending that you misheard them. Such people do not have insight into themselves, and wish to blame everyone else for their misfortunes, rather than ever holding themselves accountable.
If you need to recuperate after spending time with a person, it’s a sign that you’re in the presence of an energy vampire. Such people like the drama and make everything about themselves. They have a tendency to lie and even gaslight, which gets you to question your own reality...
They thrive on attention, and the conversations are always about their difficulties, she says. Even if you try veering the subject away from them, they will spin it back to themselves. Such people are more comfortable if those around them have a lower sense of self-esteem than they do. “There’s always an undercurrent of jealousy; they feel as if they have been left behind somehow,” she says. As a result, they spread rather negative energy, which drains you of any motivation and interest to spend time with them.
Why do people become energy vampires?
There’s no one particular reason; there’s a multitude of factors at play. For starters, low self-esteem.
As Lynda Catelyn, a Dubai-based psychologist, says, “People with low self-esteem might crave attention and validation, often achieved through negativity. They will complain excessively or create drama to elicit a reaction and feel important. They enjoy the attention and sympathy.” Unfortunately, as they do not have healthy coping mechanisms, they resort to complaining and focusing on the worst aspects of their situation, which they misconstrue as ‘sharing’ with others.
Sometimes, such behaviour can be learned too. If someone grew up around others behaving in a similar fashion, they might believe that it is a normal way to interact, unknowingly draining the energy of others, adds Catelyn.
A cognitive drain
It affects you on a cognitive level, adds Hilliar. Elaborating how, Catelyn says, “The constant barrage of negativity and emotional drain makes it difficult to concentrate on tasks or retain information. Imagine being bombarded with complaints while trying to solve a complex problem. Not exactly a recipe for focus.” Worse, it depletes your mental resources and you find it hard to make rational decisions around them. Not just this, the stressful energy is rather contagious: You start indulging in hurtful self-talk and rumination as well.
Sometimes, it’s particularly hard to extricate yourself from such a draining rut. The guilt builds and you start wondering whether you’re actually letting a person go in their time of need, explains Catelyn. However, as Hilliar reminds: You’re not their unofficial psychologist. It’s not your responsibility to manage people.
So, how do you deal with such people?
Now that you've identified the energy vampires lurking in your social circles, it's time to equip yourself with some survival tactics. Here's your handbook to deflecting negativity and keeping your social battery fully charged, according to Hilliar and Catelyn.
Firm boundaries
This is your first line of defence. It's perfectly okay to politely decline extended draining sessions. ‘I'd love to chat, but I only have a few minutes free right now’ is a perfectly acceptable way to limit exposure.
Keep the interactions short
Schedule short coffee dates or phone calls, and have an escape plan in your back pocket.
Try shifting through perspectives
Sometimes, a little sunshine can break through the negativity. Shift the conversation to a positive topic, share a funny anecdote, or ask them about something good in their life.
Redirect the conversation, if you can
For negativity spreaders, who fixate on negativity, use the broken record technique, says Catelyn. Briefly acknowledge their complaint, then gently redirect the conversation. For example, if they say ‘Everything is terrible,’ you could respond with, ‘That sounds tough, but have you tried...?’ and offer a solution (if appropriate) or shift the topic.
Mental escape
Sometimes, you just need a mental escape. Try deep breathing or mentally picture yourself in a calming place while interacting with an energy vampire, suggests Catelyn. This can help you detach from their negativity.
Disengage
If all else fails, it's okay to disengage. You can't control their energy, but you can control yours. Excuse yourself if you need to leave.
If someone consistently drains your energy, it might be time to re-evaluate the relationship, explains Catelyn.
And… if you turn out to be the energy vampire
The first step is acknowledging your impact on others, explains Hilliar. Do people seem drained after interacting with you? Do conversations often veer towards negativity? Reflecting on your interactions can be a powerful tool for self-improvement. Seek support from your friends and ask them about the harmful patterns if they see any: How can you rectify them?
Work towards looking for solutions. The energy drains tend to pontificate only on the problems. Challenge your method of thinking and reframe your perspective. “Put yourself in other people's shoes. Consider how your words and actions might affect them. Developing empathy can help you understand the importance of maintaining positive energy in your interactions,” concludes Catelyn.