Avoid ghosting and self-pity traps: How to end relationships with honesty and empathy
Every relationship deserves honesty and clarity…
It’s not me, it’s you…uh, I mean, it’s not you, it’s me…
You’re just so wonderful, I don’t deserve you
Or just…*Poof*
The text messages are left on seen. The calls go unanswered. You’ve been ghosted.
Ending a relationship is generally an ugly, painful process. In truth, we’re always fumbling on ‘how to make it easier’ for ourselves, pretending that it benefits the other person as well. Sometimes, we’re insincerely compassionate ‘You deserve so much more than me’, or we just vanish altogether, and hope that the person will just magically move on and forget that we ever existed in their lives. As psychologists explain, people ghost, or play around with vague terms ‘give me time’, giving rise to false expectations, because it’s just an easier path than actually dealing with the consequences of heartbreak and unpleasantness.
No one is ever ready for tears, arguments or long discussions that have no resolution.
And unintentionally, they keep someone waiting, which hurts infinitely more.
The pain of ghosting
This is probably the most commonly used method to end a relationship.
It’s a form of emotional abuse, even if unintentionally, as Aakriti Mahindra, a Dubai-based clinical psychologist explains. You’re leaving someone in the lurch, because you don’t want to have a painful conversation with them, as she explains. It’s a self-defence mechanism; an invisible barrier that people build to protect themselves from emotional vulnerability. “It all depends on the person's core beliefs about themselves,” she says. If someone believes that relationships are inherently painful or unreliable, they’ll ghost, as a way to avoid potential hurt or disappointment. On the other hand, if they feel that they’re not good enough, they ghost to protect themselves from rejection and abandonment.
Ghosting is a form of emotional abuse, as you don't wish to have an unpleasant conversation or conflict with them. How a person ends a relationship, depends on their core beliefs and what they believe about themselves...
This avoidance of emotional pain isn't just theoretical; it's something many have experienced firsthand. Sarah Desmond, a British expat in Dubai, recalls how her own commitment issues led her to repeatedly ghost people, despite the guilt that followed. “I would be terrified and end it through a text message. They would message, call for days, and I would just not reply, or give particularly vague reasons about why I didn’t want to be with them. I thought it was easier, but now when I look back, I really feel ashamed. I know that I caused severe damage to many people. Why did I put someone through so much, because of my own issues,” she says.
It wasn’t just for romantic relationships: Desmond would handle office situations and even friendships, the same way. “I would be upset with a friend, owing to something that they said, but I never explained clearly. So, I just distanced, rather than telling them why I was upset,” she says.
Her case isn’t unique. Quite possibly, most of us have done this in our lives. In fact, the way people navigate their relationships often stems from their attachment styles, which can have a profound influence on how they handle emotional connections, explain psychologists.
Elaborating more, Katherine Phillip, a family and couples therapist based in Abu Dhabi, describes the various attachment styles that influence ghosting:
Avoidant attachment: People with avoidant attachment styles may fear intimacy and closeness. They might use ghosting as a way to maintain distance and avoid emotional vulnerability, as Alexandre Machado, a Dubai-based clinical psychologist at Medcare hospital.
Anxious attachment: Individuals with anxious attachment styles often crave closeness but may also fear rejection. They might engage in ghosting as a way to cope with anxiety or to test the other person's commitment. So, it’s almost like being put through the paces: Do you care enough to bring them back? And if they don’t, it’s a self-fulfilling prophecy. They form the rhetoric, ‘Ah I knew it, they didn’t care enough’.
Dismissive attachment: How many times have you heard people say, ‘Well, can’t be bothered’ and simply ghost someone, who continues to remain perplexed, wondering what they did wrong? Those with dismissive attachment styles often view relationships as unimportant or unnecessary. They may ghost as a way to dismiss or devalue a relationship without directly confronting it.
Sometimes, as Machado explains, just changes in life, such as new responsibilities or stress, can cause someone to withdraw and not maintain communication.
The emotional toll of ghosting
The repercussions of ghosting are profound. It fractures a person’s self-esteem, leading them to question themselves repeatedly and ponder on ‘what went wrong’, ‘was it me’, and blaming themselves. Moreover, it creates anxiety and trust issues in the future, as Machado explains. The situation is left without closure, making it difficult to move on and generating uncertainties that undermine trust.
Abu Dhabi-based Diana Ellen, an engineer, recalls being casually ghosted by someone she had been seeing for a few months. Gradually, the calls reduced, as did the texts. He seemed aloof and vaguely disconnected. She asked him several times: Did something happen? He vanished altogether, and finally she found out through a friend that he was with someone else, now. Unable to tell her that he found them ‘incompatible’ as a couple, he had just relayed the message to others, hoping that she would find out one day.
“Somewhere, I just hoped that he would end it at least on a good note,” she says.
Yet, how does one find this ‘good note’ in closure? Does it exist?
So how does one really end something on a good note?
First, you need to accept there might be no ‘good note’, as Katherine Phillip, a family and couples therapist based in Abu Dhabi summarily reminds. “Ending a relationship, whether romantic or otherwise, is rarely easy. It’s painful, which is why so many turn to ghosting — they believe it’s simpler than confronting difficult emotions,” she explains. It's important not to hold onto the illusion that breakups can always be smooth or that you’ll immediately be able to remain friends or act ‘amicably’. Harbouring that belief is just a way of assuaging your guilt. “You need to recognise that the process will be upsetting,” she adds. However, the key is to approach it with honesty, compassion, and gentleness when bringing a chapter to a close.
Why is it important to end a relationship on a healthy note? Phillip explains that it’s about honouring the relationship and the time you’ve spent together. “Every relationship deserves honesty and clarity. The other person has the right to know why it’s ending, rather than being left in the dark, forced to make assumptions that could cause them unnecessary pain,” she says. By being clear and direct, you can help prevent feelings of self-blame, and they might be more open to personal growth. Ending things respectfully can also cultivate essential skills like honesty, compassion, and effective communication.
What you shouldn’t do: Don’t be brutally honest
Honesty doesn’t give you a free pass to hurt someone, or damage their self-esteem further, explains Philip. In this regard, Ahalya Menon, a Dubai-based researcher remembers a particularly brutal break-up: After acting distant and cold for days, her former partner told her rather curtly that he thought that the ‘spark’ had gone out of their relationship and that he needed someone more interesting. Worse, he was suddenly attracted to her sister, who ‘was more his type’. “I think, all my insecurities and anxieties were set aflame, for several months after that,” she adds.
As Philip explains, harsh words can inflict deep emotional pain on the person being left. Even if the intention is to be honest, the delivery can be cruel and damaging. “The person being left may harbour resentment and bitterness, making it difficult for them to move on and heal,” she says. Moreover, brutal honesty paves the way for more unanswered questions, and a sense of unresolved conflict, obstructing the healing process. In other words, there’s no closure, for a long time.
‘You are too good for me’
However, avoid being overly compassionate, which can come across as disingenuous. Yes, we’re talking about the infamous ‘it’s not you, it’s me’, or variations of it. How many times have you heard, ‘oh, but you deserve better’ and ‘you are too good for me’? Dharashree Sinha, a Dubai-based expat and homemaker recalls the worst line in this context, ‘You’ll make a wonderful wife to someone else, one day.’
Avoid playing the martyr. When someone is already hurting, this approach does more harm than good. “You’re only adding salt to the wound,” says Philip. It comes off as insincere and can erode trust, creating more resentment. Worse, it can foster false hopes and unrealistic expectations. The person may believe you're simply taking time to work on yourself and that you'll return to them eventually. “Using phrases like ‘it’s not you, it’s me’ can lead them to think there’s a chance for reconciliation, which only confuses the situation and adds unnecessary emotional weight,” she explains.
End a relationship with honesty as well as compassion
As Mahindra and Philip warn, you need to be gentle and honest, when ending a relationship. You need to accept what kind of relationship that you shared, and that it deserves time and at least, an explanation. For example, using words such as, ‘You have been warm and caring, but I think I have different ambitions and goals right now’. Focus on your own feelings and experiences rather than blaming the other person. “Let the other person know that you understand they may be hurt or upset,” says Philip.
You need to anticipate the reactions too. Be prepared for a range of emotions from the other person, including sadness, anger, or confusion. Try to remain calm and composed, even if the conversation becomes difficult.
Here are a few examples:
Direct and honest: I've been thinking about our relationship, and I've realised that it's not the right fit for me anymore. I care about you deeply, but I believe it's time for us to move on.
Compassionate and supportive: I know this is going to be hard, but I believe it's the best decision for both of us. I value the time we've spent together, and I wish you all the best.
Setting boundaries: I'd like to maintain a friendly relationship, but I need some space right now. I'm open to talking again in a few weeks or months.
In fact as Nidhi Kumar, Specialist Psychiatry, Aster Clinic, Al Muteena Deira, emphasises, both sides need to acknowledge the grief that is associated with ending a relationship. "A face-to-face direct communication is always better than social media, as it also conveys non-verbal clues to the person," she says, adding that arguments should be preferably avoided. "There's no scope for blaming or shaming anybody as it may ignite a conflict and stressful environment," she says.
Both parties should have the opportunity to express their feelings and concerns. The goal is to provide clear communication that the relationship is no longer working while maintaining respect and empathy for the other person’s emotions. Elaborating further she says, "A healthy closure is crucial, because it allows both individuals to move on without lingering emotional baggage. It provides a sense of finality and clarity, which helps prevent prolonged feelings of hurt, confusion, and regret. Closure enables emotional healing and personal growth, ensuring that both parties can pursue future relationships in a healthy, balanced way.