Are you spending enough time alone? The surprising secret to happiness
Solitude is a chosen state, allowing for positive self-reflection…
Two films, an iced coffee by the beach, and a solo cooking class soundtrack — a blissful weekend for Rebecca Sykes. All by herself and no regrets.
The Abu Dhabi-based British expat and teacher had the weekend to herself after a long time and she revelled in the silence and solitude of it all. For once, she didn’t want to be around people, not even her closest friends and family. Her phone wasn’t switched off; she isn’t that dramatic as she says, but her social interactions were minimal.
As Sykes explains, life has been chaotic in the past two years with a new job, coupled with traumatic upheavals in her personal life, along with a general apprehension of being alone. The solitary weekend wasn’t a panacea, but instead, offered a much-needed respite. It was a chance to unwind and recharge, rather than a permanent escape.
Choosing solitude
Sometimes, a little well-planned and healthy solitude is comfort for the soul. Just like a warm chicken soup on a cold evening, an analogy drawn by Aashni Chaudhary, a Dubai-based homemaker. While she loves spending time with her husband and three children, she relishes the few moments of quiet during the day when the house is empty.
Neither Sykes nor Chaudhary are lonely or unhappy with the quality of their relationships. They aren’t recluses; they love being with people who make them laugh, feel alive, and have something alluring to offer in their lives. When they choose to be in someone else’s company: They’re all in. And that’s the word to look out for: Choose.
They just view these snatches of solitude as a chance for rest and recovery in their otherwise busy lives. Amelia Harris, a Dubai-based psychologist explains that there's a world of a difference between feeling lonely and choosing solitude. She says, “The truth about loneliness is, you can be lonely around others too. It stems from attachment, and the fear of being alone with your thoughts. On the other hand, solitude means that you find comfort in your own company.” Solitude is a chosen state, allowing for positive self-reflection, while loneliness is a rather distressing mental state that feels imposed on you. You can feel restored by solitude, and depleted by loneliness.
When do we need solitude?
When life's noise dial is cranked up to eleven, it's time to hit the mute button and give yourself some much-needed quiet time.
Harris adds, “People often say that they’re too busy to make time for themselves. However, the truth is, the busier you are, the more imperative it is to insert quiet time and solitude into your life. Life's a juggling act, and it's easy to drop the ball. When stress and overwhelm start piling up, it might be a sign you need a break. Regular solitude can help you recharge and find your balance.”
When do you know that you really need to spend time by yourself? Well, the writing will be on the wall. Harris summarises, “Every little thing about people or situations just unnerves you. If you find yourself getting irritated by everyone from your boss to your partner, you might need some time alone. Sometimes, if you find that you are disinterested by many things or everything is essentially just too much, that’s a sign that you are making yourself too accessible to others, and this isn’t allowing you any room to enjoy what you’re doing.”
Your mind and body need rest, adds Harris. If your life is full of busy schedules and routines, your mind isn’t getting enough downtime. You need to slow down. “Otherwise, you are permanently stressed,” she says.
However, you don’t need to reach the point of overwhelming stress either, to revel in some solitude now and then, explains Charlotte Mills, a Dubai-based stress specialist and psychologist. When you spend time alone, the missing pieces of a puzzle that you might have been trying to build, have a better chance of fitting together. It can allow you to make better decisions, improve relationships and lead more fulfilling lives. “You give yourself a chance for self-awareness. You can explore your thoughts and feelings without the influence of others. In these moments of quiet and solitude, you refine your understanding of life and what you really want.”
Bursts of creativity
Moreover, being alone is a catalyst for creativity. Mills explains, “You can let your imagination run riot, when you’re alone. For those who pursue creative hobbies, such as writing, music or art, solitude really fuels creativity.” It’s no surprise why you hear of authors and artists escaping to cabins in the middle of woods, to focus on their work: Being alone, allows you to hear your own thoughts that are otherwise stifled by the noise around you.
UAE residents stand testament to this: Nayanika Nedungadi, an Abu Dhabi-based corporate communications manager, on the spur of the moment, decided to buy the saxophone and pursue lessons. After a long day, she sits by herself and practises, trying to make up new tunes as she goes along, much to the chagrin of her neighbours. On the other hand, Thelia Burrell, a 26-year-old Abu Dhabi-based British-Greek expat, loves knitting and crocheting hats, bags and pouches. As she says, while challenging in the beginning, it is strangely cathartic now. This solitude calms her mind, and so she can return to work and view difficult tasks with a fresh perspective, she maintains.
‘Solitude is a deeply personal matter’
Science backs these benefits of solitude too: The Harvard Study of Human Development, a longitudinal study, that has been following the lives of a few men for the past 80 years, producing data on how to live longer and happier, shares some crucial insights on the benefits of solitude. While strong relationships are crucial, the study also suggests that a healthy balance between social connection and alone time is essential for overall well-being. The study showed that time spent alone can foster self-reflection, leading to greater self-understanding and personal growth. It can also combat stress: It’s a form of respite from the demands of social life, and reduces the production of cortisol, the stress hormone.
In 2023, a UK-based study from Reading University, uncovered the complex relationship between spending time alone and mental well-being. The researchers tracked the daily lives of adults for up to three weeks, monitoring their solitary activities and emotional states. They came to the conclusion that there needs to be a balance between alone time and socialisation. As they noted, while alone time can reduce stress and foster independence, it can also lead to loneliness and dissatisfaction. The study suggests that the benefits and drawbacks of solitude vary from person to person and day to day. Ultimately, the research emphasises the importance of finding a balance between social interaction and personal time.
In short, solitude is a deeply personal matter and everyone relates to it differently, adds Mills. People have varying thresholds of tolerance, depending on their own psychological makeup. It’s unique to everyone.
Here are some practical tips on how you can do this:
• Make solitude a daily priority by scheduling dedicated alone time. Treat this as an unbreakable appointment with yourself. Consistent self-reflection during these solitary moments will yield significant personal benefits.
• Find a comfortable space. Perhaps, a backyard, or a cosy nook in your room.
• Minimise your distractions, from your phone to other electronic devices.
• Start small, and be patient with yourself. Start with setting aside a few minutes during the day, and gradually increase it.