Being Mr Mom

A gratifying smile, hug or kiss is how Andrew Furr, a man with many years of work experience behind him, measures his productivity and achievements lately. Gone are the days when he could demand quality work delivered on time by his subordinates. The roles have been somewhat reversed, and now Andrew is the subordinate reporting to two bosses.

They demand that Andrew start his day at 6.30am and finish at around 8.00pm. The working hours are mostly non-negotiable and overtime is always a possibility. No training was offered with this new position and compensation is not considered. This is a labour of love. During the day Andrew has to attend to his bosses' every need and perform each task with loads of patience, tolerance and a smile.

Andrew's two bosses are aged two and four-and-a half. Four-and-a-half years ago Andrew Furr and his wife Justine Mercer decided that the rearing of their children, Lizzie, four-and-a-half, and Gabriel, two, would be important enough to warrant one parent staying at home permanently, until the youngest would be old enough to attend playschool. The family felt that raising children requires full-time attention, and they could not be as committed to their family if both parents worked.

The choice, then, of the primary caregiver fell naturally upon Andrew. Justine was better qualified at the time, she was earning more money, with better benefits and her career was more important to her. "It was my decision to stay at home," says Andrew.

Andrew's choice might have caused some raised eyebrows, but he feels he does not have to prove his masculinity to anyone. "I have done enough adventurous activities to prove to myself that I am a man. It would be vain and male pride to think that only a man can be the breadwinner and has to support his family."

It is a conclusion more couples are drawing as career opportunities for women improve. Some studies suggest there are as many as one million stay-at-home dads in the U.S. alone. Support for the stay-at-home dad is increasing. Internet sites like Slowlane.com are devoted to the concerns of full-time fathers.

Conventions and courses on how to cope with this responsibility are drawing fathers by the hundreds. Two recent publications, Fatherneed: Why Father Care Is as Essential as Mother Care for Your Child, by Kyle Pruett, and The Involved Father, by Robert Frank, focus on the value to kids of having fathers who are the primary caregiver.

The day for the family begins at 6.30am and breakfast is served at 7.00am. Lizzie's school starts at 7.30am. Justine usually drops her at school on her way to work. During the morning Andrew and Gabriel have many things to occupy themselves with.

Laundry has to be done, shopping has to be taken care of and time for play and entertainment can be arranged in between. Lizzie is usually collected from school at 2.00pm. Andrew prepares lunch and the afternoon is spent with play, shopping and various activities. Some domestic tasks are shared between Andrew and Justine.

When Justine gets home from work, she usually prepares dinner and settles the children in for the night. "We do not see any of the domestic tasks as a bind, so arrangements would just happen naturally. Household chores is just something that has to be done," says Justine.

Sociologist Arlie Hochschild notes that women who work full-time while their husbands stay home commonly take on a lot of household and parenting responsibilities in the evenings. Robert Frank, a leading researcher in the field, says: "Society expects working women – but not working men – to be very involved in their children's lives."

Every parent needs time off. In most traditional households the wife seldom gets time to herself. Andrew feels this is very important and occasionally takes part in a 4x4 fun drive. Social functions and birthday parties are usually attended together as a family.

Andrew joined a "mothers coffee morning" initially. Although he was the only dad present, he made a few contacts from the group with whom the family now socialises. Full time dads often struggle with respect from others.

Women tend to be curious, while men doubt that other men can do the job. "It is an area that is very little understood, and people still have preconceived ideas," says Andrew. "I used to carry Lizzie in a baby sling, and got more than the odd stare from passers-by."

Safety is a high priority at home, and many a stay-at-home dad feels they might be lacking the natural feel in this area. "I am very concerned about the children's safety and have been extremely fortunate. Apart from taking the kids to the doctor for the usual, we have had no emergencies or disasters at home," says Andrew.

One of the most important attributes a parent should have is patience. On the first day after Justine had gone back to work, Lizzie cried non-stop. Andrew says, "I could not wait for her to get home, and as soon as she walked into door, I handed Lizzie to her. You realise that you were not as patient as you thought."

Gabriel has also tested Andrew's patience on many an occasion. Once they were out shopping for bicycles. When Gabriel laid eyes on the tri-cycle he wanted, he would not let go. He refused to get off, and with an embarrassed father in tow he eventually rode the tri-cycle through the checkout counter.

Andrew says that given the chance he would definitely do it again. "If you are going to have kids, you have an obligation to raise them as contributory members of society. I would not miss it for the world. It is a once-in-a-lifetime experience and I see my kids grow up. We can only hope that our children will be more open to change because of the way we raise them. We are just trying to keep a healthy balance," he says.

Andrew recently completed a Master's degree in Literature and hopes to take on part-time employment, now that Gabriel has reached the right age to start going to play school.

Balancing Act

1. Who decides on children's wardrobe? Both.
2. Who deals with discipline? Both.
3. Who prepares the evening meal? Justine.
4. Who prepares breakfast? Justine.
5. Who dresses the kids? Both.
6. Who does the shopping? Andrew.
7. Who does the laundry? Andrew.
8. Who gets up at night for the children? Both.
9. Who keeps a shopping list? Andrew.
10. Who does the dishes? Both.
11. Who does the tidying up? Neither.
12. Who does the interior decorating? Justine
13. Who takes the kids for a haircut? Andrew cuts their hair.
14. Who arranges the family holidays? Andrew.
15. Who handles the budget? Both.
16. Who makes the beds? Both.
17. Who does the odd bit of needlework? Justine.
18. Who ensures the cars are serviced? Andrew.
19. Who changes the toilet rolls? Andrew.
20. Who gets out of bed first in the morning? Justine.
21. Who makes the coffee in the morning? Justine
22. Who pays the bills? Andrew
23. Who helps the kids with homework? Justine
24. Who does the DIY? Andrew

Pointers For Mr Moms

* Decision: Make the decision to become a stay-at-home dad early during the pregnancy. This will give you time to ease out of the work force and prepare for