Torn between duty and fear, an Italian doctor fights coronavirus

Italian doctor Cecilia Bartalena rests with her face in her hands as she returns home from a long shift in the emergency ward at the Cisanello hospital, in Pisa. Bartalena, a doctor treating coronavirus victims, lives in terror - torn between the oath she has taken to heal the sick and the fear that she might infect the people she loves. The 35-year-old works long shifts on the front line at the Cisanello Hospital emergency ward in the Tuscan city of Pisa, famous for the 14th-century leaning tower which was completed about 25 years after the plague ravaged Europe.

A protective mask hangs from a toy castle on a shelf at the home of doctor Cecilia Bartalena. Bartalena doesn't feel like a hero - although she appreciates why Italians have put her and her colleagues on that pedestal - and she is not afraid to say that she is, well, afraid. Each time she enters the coronavirus ward, which is sealed off from the rest of the hospital, she asks herself: "Why am I doing this?" The quick answer is "certainly not for the money," she said in a video about their home life made for Reuters by her husband Lorenzo Marianelli. "I do it for the patients because they have no choice. I do it only for them and also for all my other colleagues ... We are not heroes and we are afraid too," she said.

Cecilia Bartalena sits at home with her four-year-old daughter Petra Marianelli and cat Sagoma as she returns home from a long shift in the emergency ward at the Cisanello hospital. Bartalena says the fear travels home with her to the small apartment she shares with Lorenzo, 37, a musician, and their four-year-old daughter Petra. "If Petra hugs me, I am terrorized that after 15 days she may get ill or if I hear (Lorenzo) coughing, I think it's my fault. So I have to try to rationalize the situation and think that I am doing it for a greater good," she said.

Doctor Cecilia Bartalena takes a selfie as she eats a meal at home in a separate area to her husband Lorenzo Marianelli, 37, and daughter Petra, 4, in Pisa. The fear that she might infect someone else despite precautions such as sleeping in separate rooms, using separate bathrooms and eating in separate areas of the kitchen, follows her like a dark shadow. "I feel dirty and so I am not comfortable dealing with people. If I meet someone on the street I am afraid. If I meet a neighbour while going down the stairs, I run away," she said. "When I come home from the hospital I take a shower but I don't feel (clean), it never seems enough to me," she said.

Cecilia Bartalena embraces her daughter Petra Marianelli, after she returned home from a long shift in the emergency ward at the Cisanello hospital. Bartalena said she is nostalgic for the days when being a doctor meant having an interpersonal relationship with a patient and families, having time to talk them through difficult decisions and, if needed, prepare them for the worst. "All these things no longer exist," she said. "Now, we just make a phone call to relatives, they hear my voice telling them 'they are sick and there's nothing more that can be done' and they just don't believe it".

Cecilia Bartalena wearing a protective mask hugs her daughter Petra Marianelli after she returns home from a long shift looking after patients suffering from coronavirus disease (COVID-19) in the emergency ward at the Cisanello hospital. "If Petra hugs me, I am afraid that after 15 days she gets ill...I think it's my fault. So I have to try to rationalize the situation and think that I am doing it for a greater good," Bartalena said.

Cecilia Bartalena sits on the bed in her four-year-old daughter Petra Marianelli's bedroom, where she now sleeps on her own, separately to her daughter and husband, in Pisa.

Iitalian doctor Cecilia Bartalena poses for a photograph wearing a protective mask in her family home in Pisa.

Doctor Cecilia Bartalena holds a bottle of hand sanitizer as she stands with a colleague ahead of a shift looking after patients suffering from the coronavirus disease (COVID-19) in the emergency ward at the Cisanello hospital, in Pisa.

Cecilia Bartalena rests at home after returning from work in the emergency ward at the Cisanello hospital.

Cecilia Bartalena eats a light breakfast ahead of a long day at work in the emergency ward at the Cisanello hospital.

Cecilia Bartalena takes off a protective mask as she returns home from work in the emergency ward at the Cisanello hospital.

Cecilia Bartalena poses for a photograph wearing full protective gear ahead of entering a ward to treat patients suffering from the coronavirus disease at the Cisanello hospital. "We stay inside for about six hours during which we can't eat, drink or go to the bathroom...it's very uncomfortable. We can stay in the patient's room for a maximum of 10-15 minutes, also because the capacity of the filters decreases with time", she said.