Sometimes, the person starts to believe that they're at fault
Why are you enduring this?
A Dubai-based professional who doesn’t wish to be named, recalls these pieces of advice hurled at her sister during her marriage. She remembers being livid at an advertisement that once went viral about abusive messages, implying that ‘it’s wrong to even put up with it’. Her sister, confused, would ask, “Am I so weak to stay on?”
Her sister’s friends spoke out of concern, while her parents were kept in the dark about it. “But for her, it wasn’t as easy as ending the marriage or walking out. I think in classic abusive cases, there’s so much gaslighting and manipulation that takes place. And so, she would often believe that she was overreacting. For years, she stayed on in the marriage, till she finally just walked out," the person says.
That’s the pain and trauma of a marriage, or a relationship fraught with abuse, both physical and emotional. People, standing from the outside, mean the best and will want that person to be free. But, if only it was that easy as just walking out.
Clinical psychologist Ritasha Varsani, based in Dubai, sheds light on the unseen trauma of abuse. “What many people don’t see is the confusion, the fear, and the self-doubt that abuse creates. It’s not always just bruises or yelling. Sometimes, the damage is invisible, emotional wounds that run deep. And yet, many stay, not because they don’t want peace, but because they’re still holding on to hope. The hope that things might change.”
She explains further, “Marriage isn’t black and white. It’s layered with emotions, expectations and in many cultures, pressures to make it work.” Advice from the outside often feels like just words to someone trapped inside the emotional turmoil.
Abuse seeps in quietly, through seemingly 'constructive' criticism, guilt trips, gaslighting, or control. “At first, the partner might seem loving, protective, even generous. But slowly, those traits twist into something scary and overpowering. You begin to doubt yourself, feel trapped, and slowly lose your sense of self.”
Varsani describes the devastating cycle: “And just when you think of standing up for yourself, they might say sorry, promise to change…or worse, lash out again. That cycle of tension, harm, apology, and false hope keeps repeating, leaving you stuck, exhausted, and fearful."
Many women, especially mothers, face additional fears that make leaving seem impossible. “They wonder, ‘Will I manage on my own? What about the kids? How will I survive financially?’ These are real fears. Add to that the worry of not being believed or supported by friends or family, or being completely isolated by the abuser,” explains Varsani.
In some cultures, the expectation to adjust, forgive, and suffer silently is overwhelming. The pain, the grief, the loneliness, get buried. And no one talks about it.
This silence also contributes to how deeply abuse can affect a person’s sense of self.
Nusrat Khan, a clinical psychologist also based in Dubai, explains how abuse strips away individuality. In the case of women, she explains the categorical ‘she’s Mrs’, someone’s sister, mother daughter. She’s never just…she. “The identity is always fused with a relationship.”
And owing to this, a person loses their individuality in a toxic marriage. “And that’s what the abuser works on from the first day and they have no sense of identity in the equation,” explains Khan. The power dynamics is controlled and managed in a way where the person loses the identity. They are absorbed into the relationship, and routine, trying to do the best and be the nurturer.
Over time, the person’s whole sense of self becomes so entwined with this life that, even when they recognise the need to leave, accepting it and taking action becomes a slow and painful process.
“And so leaving that relationship doesn’t just mean ending it, it actually means the person has to rebuild from scratch. People get exhausted just thinking about it,” explains Khan. When we look at 'starting over' again, suddenly it all seems frighteningly overwhelming.
They are assailed by thoughts of ‘I don’t think I can’ ‘I’m doing something wrong, let me try again’, or ‘I don’t think I have the ability or capability to leave’.
The self-esteem is eroded.
Many people don’t want to accept that they’re in an abusive relationship. As Khan explains, they often deny the red flags or make excuses like, “He or she wasn’t always like this.” They may tell themselves, “Maybe if I behave better,” or “I just have to give up my career.” Victims frequently try to find ways to preserve some sense of normalcy, including their careers.
Khan adds, “Victims often experience fear and cognitive dissonance—they recognize the harm, but they also remember the love. This mix leads them to accept whatever small gestures, or ‘breadcrumbs,’ they receive.”
Moreover, there are several factors at play here, more than just ‘leaving’ the relationship. Khan highlights the intergenerational impact of toxic relationships. In childhood itself, what kind of bonds do they see around them? That’s the basis of the attachment that they form later. So for instance, even if their parents hit them, the child stays. They can’t or don’t walk away. In fact, most believe that it is a ‘common’ thing for parents to do---to be physically and verbally abusive.
Khan continues, “There has been a history of people staying in a relationship, because somewhere, the critical voice of the parent also resides.” So, when an abusive partner, echoes something similar to what the parents say, it reinforces what the person believes: ‘My parents and partner said the same thing, so it must be true’.
In other words, a family environment plays a role. And in some cultures, the woman’s identity is bound to her marriage. The stigma of divorce persists. There’s a social shame of having a divorced daughter back at home. As a result, people offer such advice like ‘think of the children’ and ‘try adjusting’
She adds, “Not all families play a role, but a family environment plays a role. And the culture, where the woman’s identity is tied to the marriage. The stigma of the divorce, the social shame of having a divorced daughter back, and then the people are always advised ‘think of the children’ and ‘adjust’. But, remember, it’s just as dangerous for a child to grow up in such a world of physical, verbal violence.
Khan’s advice for breaking the cycle is clear: “Educate yourself, seek professional help—working on your own past, traumas, patterns, attachment before you commit to someone. And, when you’re in therapy, you name the abuse.” Put it in words.
She stresses the importance of planning for safety. “In case you’re stuck in a relationship, name the abuse, seek helplines. Build safety, financial, private, when you exit a toxic relationship, you need to plan with safety, as that’s most important. So, try to plan your exit, because otherwise, it comes with repercussions.”
And, grieve. Grieving is crucial. Grieve for what never happened, and what happened. Focus on building your identity. Your self-worth and self-esteem has been battered: So you need to work on reminding yourself, who you are.
Varsani reminds us, “And it’s not just women. Men go through this too—yes, even strong, successful, kind men. Stats say 1 in 3 domestic violence victims are male. But many don’t speak up. They feel ashamed, afraid they won’t be taken seriously, or that they’ll be mocked.”
If you or someone you know is thinking about leaving or feels unsure in an abusive marriage, it’s crucial to have a safety plan in place.
· Reach out to national domestic violence hotlines for confidential support and guidance—especially when your partner is not present. Counseling services and support groups are available in most communities and can offer emotional and practical help.
· Begin setting aside emergency funds, and store copies of important personal documents in a secure place. Confide in a trusted person who can support you.
· The digital age has empowered many to speak up and share their experiences—on social media, in support groups, and in therapy. This openness opens a door to healing.
Awareness is power. And healing begins the moment we start naming what we’ve been through, and giving ourselves permission to say: This is not love and I deserve better.
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