Ten ways to improve communication

Experts tell us that effective communication lies at the heart of any healthy relationship. Aquarius tells you how to improve communication, both verbally and through your body language.

1. Listen up

A good communicator listens more than she talks, believes Matthew McKay, author of The Communication Skills Book (New Harbinger Publications). Listening, he claims, is vital — he ranks it as the number one most important skill in any relationship. “Effective listening is more than remaining silent. Nod your head in agreement, make responsive noises, use open-ended questions — these will all make the other person feel important. In return, you'll be liked and appreciated.'' Achieving this is easy: simply enjoy the other person's company and the rest
will follow.

2. Own what's yours

Second highest on the list of necessary communication skills is admitting when you're wrong. None of us is perfect, the trick is to identify your weaknesses and own up. “This sets a good, mature example and will most likely inspire the other person to respond in kind,'' reckons McKay, “leading to a healthier, more open relationship.''

3. Use ‘I' messages

Psychologist Devika Singh says defensiveness will often hinder effective communication.“If you start a sentence with ‘You', it often comes off as more of a judgment or attack and can put people on the defensive. Starting with ‘I' is less accusatory. ‘I' shows more ownership of your reactions, and less blame.'' Instead of saying ‘you messed up', try, “I get so frustrated when this happens''. Singh runs a Relationship Enhancement course at Dubai Herbal Treatment Centre (Dhs2,240 for eight sessions,
call 04-3351200).

4. Try the Sandwich Technique

Difficult issues are going to come up in any relationship. Singh's advice in dealing with them is to sandwich the negative information between two positive statements. Imagine you get home from work hungry and tired. Although dinner is cooked, the kitchen is a mess. An effective way to express how you feel is to try the sandwich approach: “Thanks for cooking the meal, I really appreciate it (positive), but often after a long day I find it hard to clean up after you. I'd love it if you could tidy up after yourself (complaint/request). This meal smells delicious (positive).''

5. Take a timeout

Research has found that couples who manage a ratio of five spoken positives to every one negative report the most satisfaction in their relationship. In short, say something negative and be warned that it will take five more positives to counter it. Instead of letting things escalate, Singh suggests calling a timeo ut. “Agree on another time to revisit the issue, when the heat is off a little. This demonstrates your interest in doing something positive for the relationship.'' A word of warning — a timeout is not to be used as a punishment or method of withdrawal or avoidance; keep it as a powerful tool towards positive communication.

6. Keep an eye on things

“Try to aim for eye contact between 60 to 70 per cent of the time, looking directly at the face more when listening than when talking,'' says body language specialist Robert Phipps. Any more eye contact than this, and you could come across as too intense or make people feel self-conscious; any less, and you give off signals of losing interest, shyness or even dishonesty.

7. Arm yourself

Believe it or not, your arms speak a thousand words — we use our arms to hug people, to push them away and to communicate. “Arm movements let people know how open and receptive we are to them,'' says Phipps. The rule of thumb: the more outgoing you are, the more you tend to use your arms. The quieter you are, the less you gesticulate. For best communication, Phipps suggests trying to strike a natural balance by keeping your arm motions midway. “Relaxed arms kept at the side of your body or behind your back indicate openness. Arms crossed will always demonstrate discomfort, disapproval
or defensiveness.''

8. Stay level-headed

When you want to come across as confident or authoritative, keep your head level (both horizontally and vertically), and you'll be taken seriously. When you want to be friendly, open and receptive, tilt your head just a little to one side.
Shift the tilt from left to right during the conversation and nod your head to encourage
people to continue speaking.

9. Strike a pose

Phipps puts posture in his top three most important body language tips. He suggests even using it to communicate with yourself. “Next time you're feeling low, check your posture. Chances are you'll be slouched over, shoulders drooping. This collapses the chest, inhibiting good breathing, which in turn can make you feel nervous, uncomfortable, and down.'' Lift yourself up. Good posture should be easy and relaxed on the spine, without any tension in the muscles. “Just imagine a thread running through your spine and being gently lifted upward.''

10. Be a copycat

Next time you're having a conversation with someone you connect with, notice how you mimic each other's body language. This is something we do subconsciously, says Phipps. But once we're aware of it, it's a great technique to communicate and effectively bond with someone. “If he leans forward, you lean forward,'' suggests Phipps. “If she puts her hands on her hips, do the same. You'll instantly
build a rapport.''