Ten ways to cultivate trust

If your relationship was a garden, trust would be the lush grass and foliage that holds it all together. Louisa Wilkins asks experts for tips on how to grow healthy trust and keep the weeds of distrust at bay.

1. Remember: Reliability counts

Day-to-day life poses easy ways of cementing burgeoning trust. If you say you’ll sit through his boring work dinner with him, do it. If you agree to staying in on a Thursday night, don’t ditch him for a knees-up with the girls. By staying true to your word on the small fry, it’ll be easier for him to trust you when a big fish comes along.

• Neglect: “Hey babe. Soz. Held up @ works drinks. C U l8r?”
• Cultivate: “I’ll be home at eight.”

2. Stay true

André S. Kamer, author of 15 Universal Laws of Relationships (Mousehand), says, “There is an integral need for honesty and integrity in relationships as without it, the relationship will falter and may even fail.” You may think that always putting on a smiley face will make the relationship better, but it is difficult to trust someone who doesn’t reveal their true opinions or feelings. Don’t say you’re happy if your not. Don’t go along with a joke if it goes against your morals. And if you don’t like sushi, ask for pizza.

• Neglect: “I really like that cool CD you’re playing.”
• Cultivate: “To be honest, I’m not that into goth rock.”

3. Be self-searching

By taking an honest look at ourselves, we will be better equipped to build trust. Yasemin Demirtas is a life coach, team and relationship coach at Effect Coaching (www.effect-coaching.com). She says, “Listen to what your partner is saying and, instead of becoming defensive, look at yourself and see if there is an element — even just two per cent — of truth in the statement.” Similarly, Helen Williams, counsellor and founder of Counselling Dubai believes that before we can build trust with other people, we need to trust ourselves.

She says, “Learning to trust yourself means being honest with yourself, practicing self-awareness and discovering self-acceptance.

In other words, it is about being authentic.” Sign up for her workshop, Becoming Authentic, starting September 9 (Dh150).

• Neglect: “It’s not me, it’s you.”
• Cultivate: “Maybe it’s me too. I will work on it.”

4. Be a player

Try activities where you’re forced to rely on and trust each other, like rock climbing, charades and pictionary, tandem-biking, paintballing, doing handstands against each other’s hands, tandem-bungee jumping, blind running (one person is blindfolded, hold hands, start walking and lead up to a run) and blind eating (take turns feeding different foods to the other person, who is blindfolded and has to guess each item).

• Neglect: “I’d rather just do it by myself thanks.”
• Cultivate: “Let’s do this together.”

5. Speak out

Relationships are made up of two independently evolving individuals; if you are going through a time of personal change, and you don’t discuss it with your partner, chances are they will pick up on it instinctively and wonder why you’re being so distant. Also, Demirtas advises couples to talk about their issues, instead of avoiding them. “Have belief that your relationship is strong enough to handle it.”

• Neglect: “What do you mean? I’ve always liked going to the gym seven days a week.”
• Cultivate: “I’m going through a real gym phase at the moment.”

6. Involve and solve

Ask your partner’s opinion when making decisions and believe that they love you, know you, and have your best interests at heart. It doesn’t mean that you have to wear the corsetted top they think you look good in to your interview, but by showing that you value their opinion, you are showing your trust.

• Neglect: “I’ve decided that I am going to change careers and become a wrestling coach.”
• Cultivate: “I’m thinking about changing careers and becoming a wrestling coach. Do you think that’d be good for me?”

7. Seal your lips

Nobody tells the office blabber-mouth their intimate life details. If you want to be trusted with your partner’s secrets, show that you can keep mum. And if you have issues in your relationship, don’t drop them into conversation at your next dinner party. Not only will this make him feel vulnerable, but it makes for an uncomfortable atmosphere for everyone else.

• Neglect: “That’s like you John, isn’t it? You never tell me I look nice either.”
• Cultivate: “This issue is between you and me.”

8. Move on

Resentment is a parasite that will feast on your relationship, leaving nothing but bitter comments, snide digs and an estranged association behind. But moving from resentment to forgiveness can be incredibly difficult. Williams says, “Forgiveness takes the courage to feel the pain of our emotional wounds; the recognition that we play a part in choosing to store up this pain as resentment; the willingness to stop victimising ourselves in this way; and the decision to let go and release it.”

• Neglect: “I take it you’re going to forget my birthday again.”
• Cultivate: “It’s in the past.”

9. Be realistic

If you are basing your idea of trust on your parents’ marriage, or Cinderella and Prince Charming, think again. Williams believes that we often unrealistically place the responsibility of exemplifying trust on to our partner. She says, “I hear people say, ‘I thought I could trust you to look out for my needs, to like my friends, to be faithful.’ Did you ever ask him if he would do those things? Saying, ‘I trusted you to be there for me,’ is endowing them with a huge responsibility, which stems from a deep-routed need for security. It is not the basis of a healthy relationship.”

• Neglect: “But I thought you would cherish me forever.”
• Cultivate: “Let’s work out what we deem are important trust points in our relationship.”

10. Send the right signs

When communicating, be aware of your body language. Linda Sakr, counselling psychologist at Dubai Community Health Centre (04-3953939), says, “Your words, the tone of your voice, the way you look at your partner — if all of them are consistent with each other, your partner will trust what you are saying, and you will be able to build
trust in your relationship.”

• Neglect: “Don’t be ridiculous, of course I care about this.”
• Cultivate: “If this is important to you, then it’s important to me. Let’s sit down so you can tell me about it.”