How do you speak the language of grief?

‘Be strong’

This is the most confusing thing to tell someone, especially during the worst time in their lives. Right up there with, ‘You’ll figure it out.’

They might probably respond with, “Yes, but when?” They have a point.

Yet, nothing might feel as clawing as  ‘What happens is for the best.’

Why would they want to go through all this pain, just for a ‘mythical’ best?

As it turns out, there are very few things that you can tell someone when they feel broken, lost and battered. Most words seem like just words, empty and hollow, the common ‘Let me know what you need’ falls on deaf ears.

The truth is, they don’t know what they need.  And if they did, you might not be able to give it to them.  It’s like making a promise that you cannot keep.

Words don’t flow as easily poetically as they do in books. Wounds, exhaustion of the present moment can run so much deeper than language. For instance, I remember writing paragraphs to a friend once, who had failed a very important exam. My message was full of encouragement, determinedly telling him that he was just so bright and intelligent; this didn’t define him.

Admirable sentiments, but sometimes, some people don’t want to hear all that. Later, they might remember the feeling of comfort, but in the moment, it feels grating and condescending. Of course, everyone’s different, and no person ever comes with a textbook about how to deal with them in their time of grief.

What not to do when you know someone is grieving

So, as it stands, what can you tell someone when they’re going through the worst point in their life? Well, the dos are rather subjective but the ‘don’ts’ appear to be unanimous. For starters, don’t create a sensational air around it; someone’s pain isn’t fodder for gossip; a do-you-know exchange over cups of tea in the cafeteria.

Abu Dhabi-based Sharanya Ramesh, a homemaker remembers after she was laid off from her first job, the forced pity and sympathy she got from her relatives. “In their effort to supposedly comfort me, they made me feel infinitely worse. They kept asking ‘Oh but how did this happen’ and ‘now what will you do’. And I knew they were all discussing it later in their concern, and I can tell you, it just drove me over the edge.”

Another fact she advises: Don’t compare. Don’t make it about yourself, even if you’re trying to make them feel better and relate to them. “That’s even more hurtful and irksome. Just imagine, you’re at the lowest point in your life, and someone is saying ‘Yes, I’ve been there before and this is what I did’. You really don’t need any sermons or advice at that time,” she says.

Similarly, Anne Wilson, a Dubai-based corporate professional, who beat cancer recently, suggests, “Don’t try to obviously avoid the topic, even if you think that you are doing it to protect them. It feels very insulting and alienating,” she says, narrating how her relatives never wanted to discuss her cancer at first, making her feel rather unwanted and broken. “I don’t think the cancer hurt me as much as that behaviour did at that time. And the worst part, I know they all meant well.”

And, don't try to put a forcefully positive spin on it. For instance as a person who wishes to remain anonymous says---if someone has lost their job, and even if you thought that it was particularly toxic, maybe it isn't the time to particularly upbeat and say, "The best part of your life begins now!" Considering that they're without a job and have rent, bills to pay.

If words can wound as much as heal, it becomes crucial to know what to avoid when comforting someone.

Choosing comforting silence over words

As Dubai-based Meera Swaminathan, a stress and trauma specialist explains, “There’s no doubt that you badly want to be there for someone. It does hurt you to see them suffer, and you scramble for words to reassure them, and somehow bring them hope. And yes that can work for a lot of people, but sometimes, according to the psychological makeup of different people, an emotional numbness can set in. They can't, or don't want to process so many words as you want them to, in fact, in such moments, these words irritate or can anger them more, adding salt to wounds,” she says.

A little silence, but with a loved ones presence, if they want it, can help a raw soul heal. Sometimes, people would like just the presence of their loved ones in times of need. Dubai-based Amy Holein appreciated her friends silence far more than the words that her relatives tried to provide her with, after her mother passed away. Moreover, she detested the forced hugs too—people, whom she didn’t know, giving her condolences hugs, that just made her feel more weary.   “I was tired of hearing, ‘Be strong for your father’ and ‘You are a strong person’. It’s my friends who just quietly stood by me, offering cups of tea, and just holding my hand when I couldn’t take it more,” recalls Holein.

You can’t heal a person’s grief, but these little things mean so much. A cup of tea, while you’re grieving. Perhaps, just a hug,so you know that you aren’t alone. And if you must use words, you might be surprised at the impact a simple sentence like, ‘I’ll get dinner today’ helps.

It’s in the tone and understanding

Sometimes, you need to read the room, says Swaminathan. Say something kind in the beginning, with gentle tone and care, and see their reaction. If they warm up to it, then maybe then need more such empathetic words.

If they don’t and ignore it, perhaps dial it down. They know you care; now look for a different way to express your friendship. Many people don’t want to keep hearing condolences, being pitied, or hearing effusive apologies. They're trying their best to carry on, carrying their grief as they go along. Be there for them in their normal routines, or at least help them slowly maintain a sense of normalcy. Don't forcefully try to make them 'confront' it---just assume, till told otherwise, that they are, she says. Respect their space.

Being there for someone doesn’t mean only using words. It’s in the way you listen to them, even when they’re seemingly sharing the most ordinary things about their day.

It’s in the little things that you do for them—the best being, making someone laugh. There’s something pure and healing about a person laughing, or at least smiling in their worst times, and if you got them to do that, it might be the best thing you can do for someone.