Notes to self: Globetrotting writer Gaby Doman on the problems with shyness

Being shy gets you nowhere. I once heard someone say that after the age of 16, shyness was just rudeness.

As someone who is chronically shy, I disagree. My gosh, I would love to be someone who could walk into a room with my head held high without feeling self conscious that I’m coming across as arrogant.

I’d love to chat to people I barely knew without that lingering feeling they just wanted to end the conversation and get away from me. I’d love to be able to look my Hot Instructor in the eye when I speak to him and not shrink back into myself and try and say the absolute bare minimum to him (perhaps even ignore him because it’s easier) so that I could get through the awkwardness of the situation and I’d love to be able to speak Thai at an audible level. But, all those things are very hard for me.

I’ve been thinking for quite some time that I need to address my shyness. When I look over my life, all the things that I’d like to tweak all seem to be related to my lack of self confidence.

It stopped me from applying for my personal trainer course for a long time because, even though my big dream is to share my love for weight lifting, I find it scary to think of talking to people in a class or personal training session about it.

It also stops me from talking to guys I like. I can’t think of anything more ridiculous than liking my personal trainer for over two years (and even learning Thai specifically so I could communicate with him better) and yet never asking him out, hinting to him that I like him or making any other kind of move. Mainly I just ignore him or say “hi” (not even in Thai!).

I know this is shyness to a ridiculous level and, I have implemented some steps to try and battle it, such as forcing myself to take a different class every week in a new gym, so I meet more people, learn new skills and get a little out of my comfort zone. I’ve also changed my one-on-one Thai sessions to group classes, so I get used to talking to other people in Thai.

I also started a three month internship at my favourite gym in Bangkok last week. I loved it. I was taking loads of classes, meeting people, learning new skills, sweating it out several times a day and inching closer to my goal of having a full time job there. Or so I thought.

Last night, the manager messaged me to ask if we could meet in the morning. I told my best friend I was going to be fired. He thought I was paranoid; after all, I’ve been so enthusiastic — seriously, nobody is more excited about working out than I am. I wasn’t paranoid.

Although they fired me in a very nice way, telling me I just didn’t have the confidence or experience they were after at the moment (and could I clock up 100 personal training hours and we’ll try again). I had a big cry about it and kicked myself for ruining my big chance by being too shy.

That’s the point he kept bringing up again and again; I just didn’t have the confidence they were looking for when I did my personal training assessment. One thing I DO have, though, is determination, and when I set my heart on something, I tend to get it.

As soon as I left the meeting, I organised about 15 hours of PT sessions immediately by offering my services for free on Twitter. I’m giving myself a few weeks to get those hours under my belt and then I’m going to go back to that gym and get my internship back. That’s one thing I can be confident of.