New mother's survival guide

While new motherhood is full of joy and discovery, the first year can also be a time of anxiety and challenges. We look at the emotional challenges faced with a newborn and ask the experts for tips on surviving them.

PROBLEM #1: EXHAUSTION

Sleep is something you take for granted before motherhood, and something you can only dream about once your baby arrives.

With newborns waking frequently at night, it's no surprise new mothers report spending their first months feeling exhausted.

“Just after giving birth, I was on a real high,'' says Hayley, 28, mother to Sasha, now one year old. “I sailed through the first few days, even the first month. But then the tiredness hit me really hard. I was so used to going to bed and getting up when I wanted. Suddenly I no longer had that control. I started to fantasise about a good night's sleep the way I used to dream about a fabulous pair of new shoes.''

Paula Miller, lactation consultant, is well known in Dubai for her post-natal support. Exhaustion, she says, is the single most overwhelming issue a new mother has to face.

“No one, no book and no course can prepare you for the utter exhaustion you feel in those first few months. Not just the physical lack of sleep, but also mental exhaustion — the anxiety that accompanies such a new and often daunting role.''

SOLUTIONS

Unfortunately, nights of deep, unbroken sleep are going to remain a longed-for luxury for a while yet, but there are some survival tactics you can adopt.

1. Accept it. It's time to make a mind shift and leave behind any preconceptions you have about sleep. Alex, 27, mother of Joe, seven months, says, “When Joe was first born, every morning I'd tot up how much sleep I'd managed to get that night. When I realised it was only about three or four hours combined, I'd panic. How was I going to make it through the day? When I stopped doing that and just accepted that I was going to be tired for a while, I felt calmer.''

Dr Chris Idzikowski, director of the Edinburgh Sleep Centre, has researched the effect of weeks of disrupted sleep on new mothers.

“The good news is that your body is on your side,'' he says. “It goes into survival mode when faced with limited sleep and will do its part to keep functioning as well as possible. In the face of such exhaustion, when you do get the chance to nod off, your body knows that getting a few hours of deep and restorative sleep is a priority, so that will come first in your sleep cycle.''

His advice is to relax knowing your body is helping you.

2. Lower your expectations. This is no time to try and be super-human. If you've been up all night why not go back to bed in the morning? So what if the house is a mess and e-mails go unanswered?

“I wore myself out trying to do it all,'' says Claire, 29, mother to Ewan, now two years old. “It took me a few weeks to learn it was much better to snatch a 30-minute sleep while Ewan slept rather than tidy the house.''

While the idea of sleeping when your baby sleeps seems reasonable, according to Paula it isn't always the most realistic advice.

“Many mums say they just feel added pressure. There is still a household to run and perhaps other children to care for. More practical advice is to get some home help, even if it's temporary. When you are able to cook, do so in bulk and freeze the rest. Turn the phone off and limit friends in the early weeks, ask them to bring meals if possible. Try not to give yourself the pressure of having to sleep when baby does, but at least try to rest.''

3. Learn to follow baby-led clues. Paula says: “Despite all the literature about getting baby into a sleeping and feeding routine, newborns don't have a day and night rhythm — this distinction only sets in at around three or four months. This is why your baby will sleep during the day and wake up at night. Don't expect your baby to be in a routine. Instead try to relax and take cues from your baby about what he wants and when.''

Heather, 26, mother to Connie, eight months, says it was helpful to establish a night-time routine, albeit a flexible one. “In the first few months I introduced a regular set of events, such as bath time, massage and nursery rhymes followed by feeding when Connie was hungry. Because I was led by her – sometimes this routine would be at 6pm, other times it may have been 9pm, depending on her sleep and feeding during the day. It did take some time, but eventually Connie came to recognise the routine and understand that it meant bedtime.''

4. See the light. Go for an afternoon stroll to make the most of natural light. According to researchers at a Liverpool University, babies who sleep well at night are exposed to twice as much light between noon and 4pm than poorer sleepers.

“High light levels help to encourage the development of your baby's biological clock,'' says Dr Yvonne Harrison from the university's school of psychology.

“This regulates a number of bodily functions, including the secretion of melatonin, which is important for good sleeping patterns.''

Advice from these sleep experts is to take your baby for a walk in the afternoon or try feeding him near a window to maximise the exposure of natural light.

PROBLEM #2: LACK OF CONFIDENCE

Those first months with a newborn are as joyous as they are scary. It's a period of adjustment for both the mother and the baby.

Philippa, 31, recalls her first days with Ella, now nine months old. “I'll never forget the panic I felt my first day in the hospital fumbling with Ella's diaper. She seemed so precious and fragile that I was scared she would break. Although I was totally in love with her, the thought that she was my responsibility and that I would be taking her home in a few days was terrifying.''

Paula says unfortunately there is no manual about how to be a good mother. “In fact many women are given inaccurate and inconsistent advice — both from hospitals and in numerous books about how to manage feeding and baby care. This conflicting advice often confuses parents.''

PROBLEM 2: LACK OF CONFIDENCE

Kim is 36 and has just had her third baby Rosie. “Low confidence has come with each of my babies,'' she says. “They are all so different and what worked for one hasn't for the next. It's that lack of control in the beginning that makes new mothers feel unsure.''

SOLUTIONS

1. Believe in yourself. Confidence is all about believing in your abilities. Trust your instinct and recognise that there is more than one way to do things, and that each family — and particularly here in cosmopolitan UAE — each culture, will have a different idea on how to raise a baby. Take each day as it comes. “If it feels right,'' says Paula, “it probably is.''

2. Get informed. Do read books, but choose ones that offer research-based evidence where possible, particularly when it comes to feeding and baby's routines. Remember that every baby and every situation is different.

“My husband and I were reading separate parenting books just before Ben was born,'' says Sharyn, 35, mother of Ben, now ten months old.

“We compared what each book had to say on the subject of sleep routines and were surprised to read totally opposed advice in each book! We were quite confused. But when Ben was born we decided neither was relevant to him anyway. Although it was hard, we ignored both sets of advice and just muddled through as best we could. He came right eventually,'' she said.

3. Join a postnatal group. Once you're over the birth and feel up to getting up and about, make enquiries about the many postnatal groups around town.

“New mums all have one thing in common,'' says Paula, “a new baby. It can be a great confidence boost to know others are also feeling unsure.''

Paula also has a word of warning; “Unfortunately there can be groups to be wary of, and sometimes mums come away feeling judged or inadequate. Recognise that each baby is different and try not to compare yourself or your baby to others. Instead find a group of like-minded mothers where you can feel free to exchange tips or concerns. The social contact can be invaluable.''

PROBLEM #3: ALIENATION AND LONELINESS

During those first few weeks with a new baby, feelings of alienation and loneliness can be experienced for both parents.

Rona was 38 when she had Dillon, now two years old. Her second, Kayla, is 13 weeks old. “The beginning was torture. I would experience this empty panic when my husband left to go to work for the day. For him there's a change of scenery, a link to life as it was before we had a baby, I almost resented him for it.''

Caroline, 25, mother to Jade, nine months old, admits her loneliness started with maternity leave. “After a busy career and office life I found maternity leave very lonely. I'm away from my family and I'm the first of my friends to get pregnant. I delivered over the long summer months and it was hard. It was too hot to go out, everyone was away and I felt Dubai all but shut down. When my husband left in the morning the quiet in the house was deafening. I struggled with guilt – I wanted my baby, but I also longed for my pre-pregnant life.''

These feelings of estrangement, says Paula, go both ways. “Many of the mothers I see say it's their partners who feel shut out; they even describe their husband as sometimes jealous at all the attention directed towards the baby. The husband sees the growing bond and competence between mother and baby and often feels shut out. He may lack confidence when holding or bathing the baby. If the baby cries when it is in his care this can increase his feelings of inadequacy and alienation.''

According to relationship expert Devika Singh from the Dubai Herbal and Treatment Centre, the arrival of a new baby has a massive impact on pretty much every aspect of a person's life, especially the relationship with your partner.

“One of the most common concerns couples have is the lack of time for each other. Since priorities tend to shift towards caretaking of the newborn, the sudden lack of time for each other can sometimes be perceived as rejection. It's not uncommon during this transition time for couples to feel isolated and lonely.''

SOLUTIONS

1. Keep the lines of communication open. Devika suggests that you often remind yourself and your partner that you are not alone in parenthood.

“Be brave enough to talk about your anxieties and loneliness and all the other complex emotions that are likely to emerge. Parenting can create many negative feelings, it's up to you both, as a couple, to create positives to balance these out. Don't forget that before your baby came along, it was just the two of you. Now your relationship has moved to a different level — one where you probably don't get much time to stop for a cuddle or a few loving words. So get creative. Arrange to meet your partner at lunchtime. Try to enjoy doing things with the three of you. But also seek support where possible so there is someone to take care of the baby so that you and your partner can enjoy important time out alone. Try and ensure that you go on a ‘date' at least once a month, even if you only stay out an hour or two.''

2. Let your partner in. Laura, 30, is mother to Neve, now 19 weeks. Over the past few months she has taught her husband all she had learned in her baby massage classes.

“Now it's entirely his job. He comes home and does the bath and the massage. It took some time — especially for me to stop interfering — but now it works. He feels involved, has quality time with Neve and I get a half hour to myself.''

3. Offer praise. Perhaps one of the most important things to remember is to always acknowledge your partner's efforts — no matter how big or small. “Without reinforcement, it is hard to keep going at anything,'' says Devika.

4. Put yourself out there. If you are feeling isolated from family and friends, try and join a mother's group so that you have an opportunity to meet women who might be feeling the same as you, or who live in your area.

Even if coffee mornings are not your thing, go with an open mind — there are sure to be other like-minded women there.