Sex and candy

Who abuses a child? Why? Vinita Bharadwaj seeks an answer.

A report (Gulf News dated July 5, 2005) about a stepfather repeatedly raping his stepdaughters is what prompted this feature.

"Does it happen here?" asked some innocently as if geographical location was a key factor in the case. A counsellor who refused to be named said, "It can happen anywhere, anytime, by anyone to any child."

"As long as there are people there is the possibility," she said coldly outlining the grim reality of the issue.

What makes child sexual abuse [CSA] frightening as an issue is that there is no established pattern.

It is almost impossible to draw up characteristics or traits of a potential perpetrator or say who is at more risk, even though most research in countries across the world reveals that females are more frequently victimised than males and in most cases the perpetrators are males.

"It could be a stranger or it could be someone known very well to the child so it's not an easy issue to tackle as whom do you protect your child from?" says Rema Menon, a Dubai-based counsellor, who has worked for more than 10 years with child welfare organisations in India.

Menon picks up a book from her table and quotes from it, "The highest number of CSA incidents take place within the four walls of a supposedly secure home."

The book being held in her hand is Bitter Chocolate by Pinki Virani that explores the issue in great detail by citing case studies of child sexual abuse in India but drawing upon research from the United States, United Kingdom and Canada.

Statistics are available for CSA but Menon is not sure how accurate they are as more often than not many cases go unreported.

The World Health Organisation has estimated that one out of ten children in India is being sexually abused at any given point of time. The figures in developed countries are not particularly encouraging either.

Numbers released this year by the US Department of Health and Human Services and compiled by Childhelp USA indicate that one of every seven victims of sexual assault reported to law enforcement agencies were under the age of six.

The same report said that among rape victims less than 12 years of age, 90 per cent of the children knew the offender and frequently the person who sexually molests a child is also a child.

The most extensive study of child sexual abuse in Canada was conducted by the Committee on Sexual
Offences Against Children and Youths and the report indicated that among adult Canadians, 53 per cent of women and 31 per cent of men were sexually abused when they were children.

Hidden crime

Literature on CSA labels it as a hidden crime, which makes it difficult to estimate the number of people who are sexually abused at some time in their childhood.

Both adults and children are generally reluctant to report sexual abuse for many reasons and it is this silence that allows it to continue freely within secure environs.

"As far as I know there has been no comprehensive number gathering done here to give us an insight into the reality of our society," says Menon, "but it's not an issue that thrives on numbers. It's an issue that needs to be communicated to parents, children and agencies so that society at large can act together to prevent it."

Tina* is a 36-year-old Lebanese woman married with one son. When she was growing up in Beirut, Tina would often play board games at her friend's place.

"I remember the first time my friend's father knelt down behind my chair as if he was watching us play. The next thing I felt was his hand stroking my leg. I was 9," she says and stops.

When I told that she doesn't have to talk about it, Tina insists that she wants to share her story.

"It will make parents more alert. I remember knowing very well that it was not normal to be touched that way, but didn't know what to do or say."

After she went home, Tina resolved in her mind never to go back when her friend's father was around.

"I was successful in avoiding the man, but not always. I had one more such experience when his hand went higher, but I excused myself to go to the bathroom and then said I had to go home," she recalls slowly.

Tina admits that the incident scared her off men for a few years, but that the stability that her own home offered her helped her deal with it in her own way.

"I never told anyone in my family. But it put me on alert for the rest of my life. For myself and for my own son," she says.

Menon hears this case and says that such incidents are not uncommon.

"The perpetrator tries his luck. It's rarely a full-blown attack like in the case of a violent rape. CSA is more of a progressive action, and in Tina's case she was brave and strong enough to take the decision to avoid the man."

"Kids instinctively know a good touch from a bad touch and that's why I strongly advocate a policy of openness with parents. It's extremely important to keep channels of communication open at all times and not shy away from talking about certain subjects," she says.

Delicate handling

Referring to traditional Asian societies as often avoiding discussing any uncomfortable topic, Menon says that questions and issues must be handled in an age-appropriate manner; "But they must be handled," she says.

The intensity of child sexual abuse obviously varies from one situation and circumstance to the next, but it is internationally accepted as a crime that occurs when a child is used for sexual purposes by an adult or adolescent.

This involves exposing a child to any sexual activity or behaviour and most often involves fondling and may include inviting a child to touch or be touched sexually.

"The impact varies depending on the degree and frequency of abuse, but it's the children who have been abused by a family member that are the worst affected. For a child this is serious betrayal of trust and abuse of power over the child," Menon says.

Bitter Chocolate details many such cases of child sexual abuse that are incestuous in nature, where the victims ultimately resort to suicide, end up in brothels or appear to lead normal lives from the surface, but end up as perpetrators themselves.

"There is no hard and fast rule that a victim will end up becoming an abuser. There are many victims who have fought out their psychological and emotional battles on their own and through sheer resilience gone on to lead normal and stable lives. So any abuser who tries and uses his or her own abused past as an excuse to inflict similar abuses on another is inexcusable," Menon says.

An important point that Menon raises in her interview is the attitude and response of parents and friends when a child comes forward with an incident.

"Many times, especially if the accused perpetrator is a close friend of the family or a family member, parents tend to go into denial. It's absolutely critical for parents to listen patiently and trust their child and be ready that their child could have been a victim and that their trusted friend or relative could be an abuser," she says.

Sam* is from the UK and a father of a 7-year old girl who recently came back from a seemingly harmless sleepover at her girl friend's place.

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