Notes to self

I’ve embarked on another diet. Despite the fact I know exactly what it would take to lose weight (cut down on the partying, stop drinking Starbucks every day, lower portion sizes), I still feel as though a diet has to be a bit crazy in order for it to work. Like it’s a secret code we all want to crack, but only a few have managed. My conscious self knows that it’s just a simple case of maths; calories in versus calories out, but I’ve never liked maths. I’m a creative type, so it makes sense my diets should be a little artsy, too.

In the past, I’ve tried diets which have been colour-based (eat green for breakfast, yellow for lunch and red for dinner), juice-based (but I am far, far too angry when I am hungry for this to last much beyond a day or two) or protein-based (too much protein has unpleasant side-effects That’s all I’m saying).

This time, I have chosen a diet that involves eating “clean” foods, small portions and often. Clean food is a new favourite buzz word of health writers. Basically, it just means something natural, without all the chemicals. I guess that makes all the delicious sugar-laden treats dirty food. I love dirty food.

Yesterday was my first day of the new weird-y diet. The trigger had been the fact I bust my jeans open a couple of months ago on the flight back from Bali. Anyway, last week, I decided I wanted to replace them. But, I certainly don’t want to go up a jeans size, and I can’t afford to burst open another pair. So, diet it is.

I’ve ditched the Starbucks addiction (I am two days clean already), and I’ve stocked my cupboards with healthy stuff — you know, flax seeds and rice milk and things.

I’ve even done a little packed lunch today; I feel so smug. I have boiled eggs, an avocado, a banana, chestnuts, a natural yoghurt and a whey shake. Exciting it is not, but it sure makes me feel saintly. Yesterday I even ate a cup of porridge. A cup! As if a whole bowl would be too much for my dainty little stomach.

I remember ordering a salad from my favourite restaurant when I was dining there with a super skinny friend. When she saw it arrive, she was horrified by the size. “You’ll NEVER get through all that!” she exclaimed. I was horrified; it’s a salad! Who can’t finish a salad? It’s pretty much just water and vitamins (smothered in a delicious dressing, of course). So, that was my reasoning behind the cup of porridge. Maybe I can train myself to be overwhelmed by large portions of food. But, knowing myself and my background (my whole family like to take on big food portions and win), I doubt it. And that’s the best way to embark on a new diet; doubting you’ll ever be able to keep it up. I fully expect next week’s column to be brought to you from the comfort of a Starbucks armchair, rather than the gym lounge, as it is this week.