Why I hate gyms

I hate gyms. I think they are for egomaniacs with more muscles than sense. You won’t catch me doing squats or push-ups or however else you’re supposed to work up a communal sweat that’s supposed to keep you fit.

At my age — I turn 60 in a few months’ time — I don’t care whether my pecks are perky or if I have a six pack or not. A six pack is something that resides in my fridge, not my frame.

I care not for brutes with glutes, I have junk on my bulk and a belly too and that’s the way it’s going to stay.

In my younger days I played quite a bit of football, ran, was slim enough to go caving — spelunking or potholing or whatever you want to call it — and could move quickly when I had to if I was covering a riot or any other assignment that put me in harm’s way

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Now don’t think that I don’t exercise — I do.

Most days, I’ll spend a solid two-hours walking. I have an app that counts paces, and the walk chalks up a good 14-15,000 steps.

In my younger days I played quite a bit of football, ran, was slim enough to go caving — spelunking or potholing or whatever you want to call it — and could move quickly when I had to if I was covering a riot or any other assignment that put me in harm’s way.

In my older years, I walk a lot. I can carry all my possessions and work stuff in a 10-kilogram backpack and walk 30 kilometres a day — every day — for weeks on end.

But you won’t find me on the wrong end of a bench press. I can never figure out at what end of the arm is the dumb bell.

Four-second workout

Recently as I was killing my cereal and murdering my morning coffee, I almost choked to read that the experts now say there is no need to exercise. A four-second workout is all I need.

Yes! Vindication — No need to sweat and exert on smelly mats or greasy polls with hench gym goons — all it takes is four second of very quick movement.

Honestly, I’m not making this up, but quoting from the results of a study recently published in Medicine & Science in Sports & Exercise — that, to my semi-sedentary sensibilities sounds like a credible journal and they should know what they’re talking about — it showed that just four seconds of “all-out” sprints every hour could be good for people who otherwise sat for eight hours without much physical movement.

Full speed

The folks at the journal described all-out sprints as running at full speed over a short distance.

I think I did that once running for a bus about 20 years ago. No — wait — I’m wrong. I ran to catch a tube train on the London Underground and was almost dissected by the sliding doors in the process.

I must, therefore, warn you that if you’re going to engage in this intense four-second burst of energy, don’t do it anywhere on a train platform on the Circle or District Line in London.

Researchers from the University of Texas at Austin got eight healthy young men and women to sit for an entire day — I’ve been there and done that bit regularly — they got up only to eat or go to the bathroom.

On another day, they sprinted for a few seconds on a bicycle with no resistance at intervals, while resting. It was noticed that the four-second burnt more fat and led to lower levels of triglycerides the following day.

This idea of a four-second exercise regimen every hour could revolutionise the way I live. But I have to work up to four-seconds every hour, it’s not good to overdo it.

I’m working on it. I do a second every once in a while now, like punching the air when I’m done writing a piece. Yes!