Exit the victim mindset: How to bounce back from failure
Just because we didn’t achieve a goal doesn’t negate everything else in our lives
There’s an old saying in Texas. It doesn’t matter how much milk you spill, as long as you don’t lose the cow.
In other words, keep things in perspective. Don’t keep looking at the spilled milk; look at the bigger picture.
Failure is subjective, as American author and life coach John C Maxwell writes in his book, Failing Forward. When you make a mistake, be it missing a deadline, miscalculating a figure, fumbling with the football at the goalpost, what action is actually determining you as a failure? None of them. The truth is that failure isn’t determined by the magnitude of a problem, how much money you’ve lost or whether you’ll get flak from the boss. That’s not how failure is decided. In fact, you are actually the only person who can really decide what a failure in your life is.
Failure is not an event, just as success isn’t. It’s not a place that you arrive at; it’s how you view life along the way. It’s a journey, and your perception decides, your responses determine, whether your actions are actually failures, explains Maxwell. It isn’t irreversible, neither is it the enemy, though people desperately try to avoid it. It’s not a stigma; it doesn’t stop you from achieving. He quotes NBA coach Rick Pitino who said, “Failure is good. It is a fertiliser. Everything I’ve learned about coaching is from making mistakes.”
So, how can we rewire our brain to embrace success in our day-to-day living? How do we train ourselves to believe to not let our minds shut down at the thought of failure?
The mind-body connection
The way we think and perceive the world around can deeply influence the way our brain functions. We have the mammalian brain, or rather the limbic system. It is responsible for our emotions, social behaviours and memory formation.
From early on, our brain establishes neural connections and pathways based on the experiences we encounter, explains Dubai-based transformational coach Vidya Venkat.
“Negative thoughts, such as self-doubt and fear of failure, can activate the amygdala, a region of the brain responsible for emotional processing. This can trigger the release of stress hormones, such as cortisol, which can impair cognitive function and reduce our ability to cope with challenges,” she explains.
Meanwhile, positive thoughts and growth mindset stimulates the prefrontal cortex, a region of the brain that is responsible for executive function, decision-making and cognitive flexibility, she adds. This plasticity allows us to continually reshape our brain, making it possible to rewire our minds and beliefs. “By understanding this connection, we can leverage the power of neuroplasticity to cultivate a growth and resilient mindset and navigate failures effectively,” elaborates Venkat.
Negative thoughts, such as self-doubt and fear of failure, can activate the amygdala, a region of the brain responsible for emotional processing. This can trigger the release of stress hormones, such as cortisol, which can impair cognitive function and reduce our ability to cope with challenges.
When we experience fear of failure, our brain responds to a perceived threat. This triggers the release of stress hormones, such as cortisol and adrenaline. These hormones prepare our body for the fight or flight response, which can interfere with our ability to think clearly and make decisions. Hence many of us get angry, upset, blaming (fight) or avoidance, escapism, addictions, procrastination (flight) to deal with failures, adds Venkat.
Overcoming the victim mindset
Before we look at concrete solutions on how to achieve success daily, we need to look inwards. For starters, many of us need to change the victim mindset.
We are so wrapped up in the thought of failure. We didn’t win some competition. We ‘lost’, which means that we failed. We didn’t get that promotion. We failed. It’s our fault, or it’s someone else’s fault, and we bury ourselves deep in these negative and harrowing thoughts.
It’s a victim cycle, as UAE-based author and transformational coach Denis Liam Murphy describes it. Whenever we blame others or ourselves, we become a victim of circumstance. Our mind closes down, he says. “We then become fixated on what we think went wrong. This leads to the fear, anger and frustration that fuels our sense of victimhood.”
We then resort to ‘control’ which is the only tool we have had to counter these feelings. “We learn to control our mind so we can turn off, or at the very least, turn down the volume on the overwhelming amount of self-deprecating thoughts that follow,” he adds.
Whenever we blame others or ourselves, we become a victim of circumstance. Our mind closes down, he says. “We then become fixated on what we think went wrong. This leads to the fear, anger and frustration that fuels our sense of victimhood.
But how does one do this? Murphy elaborates the importance of being completely honest with ourselves, in order to break the cycle of victimhood. Look deeper, he says. What are we actually saying when we think we have failed at something? “What if there was more going on behind the scenes that we are unaware of? What if, you didn’t ‘fail’? But rather, you didn’t wholeheartedly want that thing to happen?” he asks.
Our pervasive mindset today is to think in black and white. I failed or I succeeded, he elaborates further. An experience is positive or negative. This attitude is incredibly stressful and also indicates that we train ourselves to look through a very narrow minded view of the experience, where only a limited amount of surface level information is available. “This mindset is a symptom of our unknown blame addiction. And all the while we keep relying on self-regulation, resilience, self-discipline and other self-control methods, we remain in the Victim Cycle. In a state of ignorance or denial of what our honest endgames and motivations are,” says Murphy.
So ask yourself. Did you really prepare well for that exam? Were you focused? Did you really want to catch that flight that you missed? Look harder at your own intentions and motivations, without blaming yourself.
Addressing blame addiction
The end result, we walk a fine line between feeling empowered and being a victim. “The reality is, opening our minds can provide that one piece of information which can help us exit the Victim Cycle, leaving us with a deep feeling of honest confidence,” he says.
So, take time out to be honest with yourself, advises Murphy. “Being able to listen to ourselves, without controlling or blaming our thoughts and feelings, is one of the most underrated keys to success,” he adds. It is uncomfortable at the beginning at first, to become aware of our contribution to what happens in our lives. Once you address this blame addiction clearly and without blame and negative connotations, you can finally appreciate what honest freedom and confidence feels like.
Murphy explains with an example. He recalls how he had a client, who was adamant about catching a flight. “He told me how important the trip was because he had to give an important presentation to thousand people as part of his new job. He was furious with the taxi driver for making him and his boss miss the flight,” he says. However, there were more factors at play. “His honesty was covered up by a layer of self-control.
In the end, he admitted he was dreading the trip because he was having to face one of his biggest fears,” explains Murphy. “What was his contribution to him missing the flight? He acknowledged that he knew the taxi driver was going the long way to the airport but didn’t say anything, wishing they would miss the flight. The reason why he was invested in believing his own victim story was because he had to play a convincing role as not to get found out by his boss who was in the car with him,” he says.
How to achieve success in day-to-day living
Celebrate those small wins; however small. Reward yourself if you found time to buy your groceries after a hectic day. You prepared lunch for the next day. You kept to your deadlines. You deserve a reward.
To accentuate the feeling of success we must start with the goal in mind and celebrate all steps, big and small, which help us towards this goal, advises Heather Broderick, a UAE-based life coach and clinical hypnotherapist. “We must not say to ourselves ‘I will feel successful when I graduate, or earn a certain amount, or have a family’. The key is to feed into this feeling of success right now. Feel it as it you have it right now and celebrate each small step of the journey,” she says.
Just because we didn’t achieve an end goal doesn’t negate everything else in our lives. We still worked, earned, took care of our loved ones, were kind and lived well in that time.
We must not say to ourselves ‘I will feel successful when I graduate, or earn a certain amount, or have a family’. The key is to feed into this feeling of success right now. Feel it as it you have it right now and celebrate each small step of the journey.
She emphasises on the importance of having self-belief. “Whatever we think about on a regular basis, creates an emotion and that emotion creates a belief and that belief determines our behaviours and actions. If we focus on failure and negative self-talk, we then create more of this through our actions and it becomes a cycle,” explains Broderick.
In short, we can choose if the glass is half empty, or half full.
How to deal with failure:
•Celebrate efforts and not just wins: List down 5 efforts that you took every week and celebrate by rewarding yourself, with gifts. The victory is not in our hands but efforts are, and consistent acknowledgement of your efforts changes your fear of failure to excitement.
• Focus on solutions: When faced with failure, avoid dwelling on the problem and instead focus on finding solutions. This can activate the brain's problem-solving abilities and increase resilience.
•Take a break: When faced with failure, take a break and engage in activities that reduce stress, such as exercise, reading, art, mindfulness, or spending time with loved ones. This can help to reduce the release of stress hormones and promote brain function.
•Reflect on the experience: Create a mental flow chart on the events leading to failure and identify the emotions underlying the fear and your response to manage this fear of failure. This integrates the feeling brain and thinking brain to release the stored fear and increase the likelihood of future success.
•Seek support: Reach out to friends, family, or a professional for support. Social support can activate the brain's reward system, increase feelings of connection and belonging, and promote emotional regulation.