Here’s how you can find out what your love language is

Hearts and roses and dinners for two – it’s that time of the year when we are poked and prodded, through heavy doses of marketing, towards gestures of love. But how sure are you that your significant other – or anyone you love, for that matter – is actually feeling the love behind the gesture?

Here’s where discovering your love language and that of another can oil the wheels of any relationship.

More than two decades ago, American author Gary Chapman came up with the concept of love languages. His first book The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to your Mate was published in 1992.

Chapman identified 5 love languages – Quality Time, Words of Affirmation, Receiving Gifts, Acts of Service and Physical Touch (see box). While we respond to all the five, each of us has a unique hierarchy indicative of the love language we primarily “think” in.

If our spouse, partner, parent or child is speaking a different lingo, then there’s so much love that’s just dissipating as wasted energy possibly leading to frustration on the part of the giver, and indifference on that of the recipient.

Image Credit: Shutterstock

Understanding Chapman’s concept and using the information to express and receive love has helped stabilize and strengthen relationships all round – between couples, among families and even in the workplace.

Over the years, Chapman wrote and co-authored more books that while holding on to the original concept, was intended for niche audiences. Such as the one for military couples navigating relationships that carried the added burden of distance, possible conflict and war leading to trauma and disability, and another for those in relationships with people suffering from Alzheimer’s. There’s even one just for men! Quite obviously the author felt men needed to understand the love languages in their own terms.

Counselling psychologists at BE Psychology Center for Emotional Wellbeing in Dubai regularly use Chapman’s love languages to help clients understand themselves better.

Gary Chapman’s 5 Love Languages

Words of Affirmation: You feel the love when someone expresses their appreciation for you in words, rather than having to read between lines, gestures, gifts and hugs.
Acts of Service: No amount of telling, hugging and holding hands can replace your partner/friend/spouse/parent/child showing their care and love for you by actually doing something for you.
Quality Time: You sense love when a person makes the time to spend it exclusively with you.
Physical Touch: And that being appropriate for the relationship, is what this person loves above all else.
Receiving Gifts: Far from being branded as materialistic, this person sees the thought, effort and time that’s gone into the offering.

The centre has created a short, deceptively simple, questionnaire exclusively for Friday’s readers to help them zero in on the love language they most respond to. (Scroll down for the quiz)

Their suggestion is that the reader answer the questions for themselves and for their partner too. What do you feel your partner would most appreciate in the situation mentioned? (You could substitute ‘partner’ with just about anyone important to you.)

Once done, sit down with the other person to compare results. At the very least, it will open up a conversation on how to bridge gaps between perception and reality.

You might be surprised to realise that your idea of showing love might be very different from how another person actually feels it. By understanding each other’s love languages, we all have the opportunity to recalibrate.

It might seem strange at first to try and respond to another person in the love language of their choice. Begin small, so that your efforts are not entirely out of your comfort zone. Over time, it will begin to feel normal.

We strongly urge you to take this short quiz and then head out of the door to make plans for Valentine’s.

Image Credit: Shutterstock

The love language quiz

Answer the first set of questions from your perspective; and the second set of questions from your partner’s point of view.

On a scale of 1-10, 1 stands for ‘not important’, and 10 for ‘very important’.

Once your partner has also answered the two questions, grab some coffee and hunker down for some meaningful conversation.

SET 1

When you are feeling down or wanting to be loved/cared for, what actions do you prefer to receive?

1. Them letting me know they love me by saying it or writing it. Praising and validating me. (Yes/No)

*Words of Affirmation

If yes, how important is this to you on a scale from 1 to 10?

2. Them holding my hand, giving me a hug, or holding me. (Yes/No)

*Physical Touch

If yes, how important is this to you on a scale of 1 to 10?

3. Receiving thoughtful gifts and meaningful gestures. (Yes/No)

*Receiving Gifts

If yes, how important is this to you on a scale of 1 to 10?

4. By spending quality time together and sharing intimate moments. (Yes/No) *Quality Time

*Quality Time

If yes, how important is this to you on a scale of 1 to 10?

5. Helping me by sharing responsibilities and making the day less stressful. (Yes/No) *Acts of Service

*Acts of Service

If yes, how important is this to you on a scale of 1 to 10?

If you have answered ‘yes’ to any of these statements and have accorded it an importance rating of above 7, then this is your primary love language. Identify your top two love languages by grading the rating you have given to each of the questions to which you have answered ‘yes’.

SET 2

When your loved one is feeling down or wanting to be loved/cared for, what actions do you think they would prefer to receive?

1. Sharing that I love them by saying it or writing it. Praising and validating them. (Yes/No)

*Words of Affirmation