Off The Cuff: A wry look at life

Here I am...interacting quietly with my Sony Multi-scan520GS monitor and wondering how best to meet three separate deadlines. I am thus wondering when I am rudely interrupted by the telephone, which I answer, as I'm wont to, before the fourth ring.

It is an unfamiliar voice. "Hello, hello Mr. Fernando...so glad I was able to catch you....I called you twice before without success."

He makes it sound as if I'd broken the law...but I decide to let it go. "This is Moni Loanawallah from Takethemoney Bank. You'll be glad I called you about some incredible deals we're offering on personal loans."

I decide to end this conversation pronto with..." oh, thanks for calling Mr. Loanawallah, but I bank with Keepthemoney Bank, and I''ve already taken a personal loan from them, which will ensure that I stay connected to them for another three years."

This is not news to Loanawallah. "We know that Mr. Fernando...but that's no problem at all. I won't be out of place in saying that no bank has so far come up with the package of benefits I'm going to tell you about. We've tailored a complete lifestyle package which takes care not only of the morrow and later but the here and now."

"But Mr. Loanawallah, just as a matter of interest, my experience with personal loans has been that they tie me up in knots because of the high interest rate."

"Not this one, Mr. Fernando...not this one. Give me a few minutes and you'll find it's decidedly in your interest. For starters...wait for it...for starters, we have driven our rate of interest down to a ridiculous 3.2 per cent."

"You're right, that IS ridiculous."

"There you are," says Loana (I'll call him that to make things easier). "And that's the tip of the iceberg. For expatriates such as yourself, our loans go as high as Dh 200,000 plus many attendant benefits."

"Such as ?"

"Many, like I said....Take travel. Whether business or pleasure, the next time you need to travel, alone or with the family, after becoming one of our valued customers, just call our TravelPlus office.

All the hassle, from reservation to destination, will be handled by our friendly TravelPlussers and your tickets will be delivered to your home.

"Now take your vehicle...or maybe you have two in the family. Join our family and cease worrying about insurance renewals, registration renewals, service requirements, breakdowns...the lot. For any of these, just call our WheelAssist office and our friendly WheelAssisters will set the wheels in motion for you.

"Let me tell you about our college placement service. When it's time to decide on the right college in East or West, at the right price, for your child, just call our DegreePlus office.

"All the trawling, phone calling, faxing, e-mailing, checking, rechecking, matching will be done by our friendly DegreePlussers, who will also negotiate on your behalf and secure a place in the right college.

"And our health scheme is just what the doctor ordered....Ha, ha! You see, on the strength of your loan, every member of your family will be covered for Dh50,000 a year at premier hospitals in the Emirates such as Wecare and Weallcare, just to name two. Even your normal GP visits are fully covered. All you have to do is call our HealthPluss office and our friendly HealthPlussers will make all the appointments for you."

"All this sounds pretty tempting," I say, but I really don't want to get into another personal [loan] relationship just now. So, thanks for calling...."

But Loana is not the easily-giving-up type. "Hang on Mr. Fernando... I have the authority to offer a special lower interest rate to a select few people. How does 2.6 per cent interest grab you? If you want to think about it, I can call you in a couple of days."

"Look Mr. Loanawallah, I'm beginning to think some of you people are desperate to give money away. I really must go now. Don't call me again...just leave me aloan – I mean alone."