Novelty Items

A battle is being waged in our back garden at the moment between grass and sand, and it looks as though the latter is winning. We had a fine lawn throughout the hottest months of this summer, but then something mysterious happened. A patch at the front began to go a little bald, and in no time the house was surrounded by a mini desert.

Now, a few shoots are beginning to push through in a half-hearted sort of way, but I am beginning to wonder whether this greenification of our habitat is all too much bother. Would that grass was like a carpet: you could choose the colour you wanted to match the paint on your walls, give it the occasional sweep with a broom and replace the worn version with a new one when required.

Thankfully, this is precisely what scientists in the world of horticulture are aiming to produce: a versatile lawn that looks after itself. These clever folk have invented a new breed of grass, or rather, designer lawn. This self-trimming grass doesn't need to be watered or mown. (Just imagine how much money you could save on shampoo and haircuts if the same technology could be applied to human hair!) What's more, the novelty grass comes in a variety of shades, from the more conservative – red and brown – to the positively flashy. If you are patient, you might even be able to purchase the luminous variety.

How convenient it would be to have a lawn that lit itself. No more stumbling around in the dark to bring the cat in or put the dog out or to take the washing down or investigate the strange sound you heard as you lay half-asleep in bed.

Of course, the shame of such grass is that, as there is no need to cut it, the smell of a freshly-mown lawn that is so evocative of summer will be no more. But maybe that needn't be a problem. Only a couple of months ago I spotted a whole range of "Grass" products in a major UK retailer – from candles to air fresheners to moisturer.

Just because your lawn doesn't smell of grass doesn't mean you and your house needn't. I would also recommend a new CD entitled, "Urban Assaults".
It has been produced by a New Zealand man as a means to take revenge on noisy neighbours by playing it at high volume.

The track I have in mind is 64 minutes of lawnmower noise, including the sounds of the catcher being emptied and stones hitting the blades. I wouldn't play this CD to annoy my neighbours but merely to tease them.

As they labour to keep their lawn pristine, I shall sit back one Friday, not too far in the future, unfurl my new crimson lawn, spray a little air freshener around, switch on the CD player to enjoy the gentle growl of the lawnmower that lets me know the weekend is here, and experience all the delights of a garden without expending any energy.