Just saying 'no' to your children isn't enough: Why explaining the reason helps raise empathetic kids

‘You don’t need another doll. Put that back.’

When I was six, I had a rare fit of tantrums, one day in a small shop back in Trivandrum. My mother had never had a problem with saying no to us for unnecessary splurges and so we really grew up without demanding expensive toys. Yet, one day, I was smitten by a Hollywood doll that everyone else seemed to have, despite having long since outgrown dolls. But all my classmates had raved about it, waxing eloquent about the different shoes, hats and clothes, all for each occasion.

I had to have it. She would have been abandoned in a week, but I was convinced that I needed it.

And my mother was firm that I didn’t. She didn’t give into all my drama of holding on to the doll at the shop, pleading plaintively with her, while everyone watched. “No drama, put it back. You have enough and you’ve grown out of dolls.” She was right, as much as I hated to admit it.

My mother’s composed firmness won and the doll was reluctantly returned to her shelf. It's something that I appreciated later, of course, when I was well into my teens, after watching a few parents instantly giving into the demands of their children. My mother didn’t just say a flat no, she always explained why, and even if we didn’t like it, it did help in the long run. And no amount of tears and shrieking publicly would change that.

As child psychologists explain, sometimes what a child really needs isn’t just the 'no,' but the reason behind it. And even if they don’t like it in the moment, it’s something that shapes them in the end.

It’s not just about the rules

The most frustrating phrase a child can hear? “Because I said so. That’s why.”

When your child insists on staying up past bedtime or eating an entire jar of cookies, it’s important to explain why that behavior isn’t healthy for them, says Dubai-based psychologist Victoria Lauren. “Children absorb everything—from tone and body language to facial expressions,” Lauren explains. “So when you simply refuse without any explanation, you position yourself as an undeniable authority, which can trigger feelings of rebellion. While it’s one thing to enforce discipline if they act out anyway, it’s essential to take a moment to explain why you’re saying no. Whether it’s for their health, safety, or well-being, giving them a brief explanation of the consequences matters.”

This approach fosters a dialogue and encourages your child to think critically about the reasoning behind your actions. “These conversations are crucial for developing empathy and rationality in the long run,” Lauren adds. “Moreover, discipline during the formative years is key. When forbidding something, explaining why it’s off-limits, and discussing the consequences for breaking the rule, is far more effective than reacting with anger, verbal attacks, or punitive behaviour.”

A sense of empathy  

Dubai-based Rupande Mishra, a homemaker recalls that her mother was particularly weary of her group of friends, when she was around eight. “She refused to explain why, and she would just keep simply forbidding me from meeting them. And I resisted, obviously, because I loved my friends. So, I would try sneaking out, making excuses to meet them, but she saw through it all and firmly held on to her stance, with her own set of excuses.”

As a result, both of them were trapped in this web of excuses, without any form of communication. Recalling how she felt, Mishra adds, “I was really upset, acted out a lot, purposely making things difficult for my mother.” Only later, she learnt that her mother deeply distrusted the children’s parents, as she had seen them being particularly brash and abrasive to people around them. “I wish she had just told me that was the problem, or told someone. Even my father was perplexed,” says Mishra.

Undoubtedly, it’s difficult to navigate moments such as these. Sometimes, parents worry about explaining things as Mishra’s mother did. The disappointment feels particularly intense, and children, will obviously misbehave, because they don’t possess emotional maturity as yet. “They haven’t yet developed the coping mechanisms to understand that sometimes ‘no’ is for their own good. And that’s where empathy comes in,” explains Lauren.

Explaining the reason behind your decision doesn’t just help them accept it; it helps them understand that there’s a bigger picture at play. And there will be things that are difficult to explain, but at least put it in a certain way, filled with love and gentleness explaining that a certain decision is for their own good.

These kind of conversations helps build emotional intelligence and cultivates patience. When children understand the why behind the rules, they begin to see the value in moderation, which in turn helps them handle similar situations with more maturity in the future. It’s about laying the groundwork for a balanced relationship with material things and teaching them that not every desire needs to be immediately satisfied in order to find joy,” says Lauren.

When you show empathy in these moments, you’re not just enforcing boundaries—you’re also nurturing their emotional growth. By validating their feelings, explaining your reasoning calmly, and offering them a broader perspective, you create a space where they feel heard and understood. This, in turn, leads to more cooperative behaviour, less resistance, and a deeper sense of trust between you and your child.

Building critical thinking

Explaining why something isn’t okay helps your child understand the consequences of their actions, says Dubai-based child therapist Catherine Mendes. “So, the next time they ask why they can’t jump off the couch, explain the risk of injury and how to make safer choices. You’re not just protecting them; you’re teaching them to evaluate situations and make better decisions. And let’s face it, those problem-solving skills will come in handy when they’re older—when it’s not about jumping off the couch but choosing between studying for exams or going to a concert.”

 And after a certain age, you have to accept that you can only advise them. A blanket “no” doesn’t work anymore, explains Mendes. “A 15-year-old will dismiss your ‘no’ outright, or pretend to comply, but still land in more trouble,” she says.