How to tame kids’ temper tantrums

Ah, that horrid outburst that all parents must face and deal with – the tantrum. US-based Cleveland Clinic defines a temper tantrum as an unplanned outburst of anger and frustration. “Tantrums can be physical, verbal or both. Your child may act out, be disruptive and generally display unpleasant behaviours,” it adds.

Dr Lené Janse van Rensburg, Lead Councillor at Brighton College Dubai, says the first thing to accept when dealing with a tantrum is accepting that it’s normal. “It’s how they test boundaries and how they learn and grow. As adults, we need to understand that boundaries might not be what children want, but they are absolutely what they need. If we don’t enforce boundaries, our children will get away with things they shouldn’t and have little respect for authority throughout their lives. Family is the first government that we must learn to submit to, and if us parents get this right, our children won’t then struggle when they are asked to follow rules in adult life as a fully-fledged member of society.” She recommends the following methods to tame them:

Get comfortable with saying no: The first step in taming the temper tantrum is for us as parents to get back in the driver seat and be empowered to say no. A tantrum is a natural form of child expression, but it is how you handle and manage them as an adult that is important. If parents rant and rave when they put down boundaries, this will cause children to switch off and not listen. They will test your boundaries instead by making you repeat your instruction again and again.

Be consistent: The second thing to note is that it is important to be consistent with the boundaries that we put in place as this will give our children predictability.

Decide on an age-appropriate consequence: Keep discipline simple with an age-appropriate consequence. Discipline doesn’t have to be complicated, but parents often complicate discipline with reasoning, bargaining and threatening.

What doesn’t work: Discipline styles that are not effective are threats to our children such as “we won’t go to the party if you don’t get off your laptop”. This style won’t get our children to listen to us, and we shoot ourselves in the foot because we don’t get to go either! Bribery is another discipline style that doesn’t work, as behaviour then becomes conditional. Also, using emotional blackmail such as “if you don’t listen you will make mummy really sad”, is another form of discipline that doesn’t work. Our children should never be made to feel like they are responsible for our emotions.

Time out: Methods that do work include time out in a boring room and time out with a consequence. This shouldn’t be in their own bedroom - this is a fun place to be - I always recommend the bathroom. The time I suggest children spend in the boring room depends on their age and I always recommend a minute for each year of their age. Time out is the most effective consequence to use for children aged one-and-a-half to four years as it is simple, and children understand the concept easily, says Dr Janse van Rensburg .

Positive reinforcement: With children four years and up we can enforce time out, and we can introduce an incentive, and with children aged seven upwards, we need to work with a child’s currency. Currency of a child refers to that something that they really love doing, whether that be screen time, outdoor time or gaming time, and using this as an incentive or consequence has proven to be effective. The key is to keep it simple and visual – good behaviour is rewarded.