Fond Christmas memories

Because I am in the holiday spirit (and, having just consumed a mug of hot toddy, a glass of eggnog and a nip of cheer, the holiday spirits are in me), I have decided to follow in that great tradition of boring everyone silly by writing a Christmas letter.

Aside from fruitcake, there is nothing more despised than the merry missive detailing every last thing that has happened in the sender's household over the past year. That is why I am pleased as punch (which I also drank) to present the following chronicle of the Zezima family, which includes Jerry, the patriarch; Sue, the matriarch; and Katie and Lauren, the childriarchs. Happy reading!

Dear friend(s):

It sure has been an exciting 2005 for the Zezimas! The highlight of the year occurred when Lauren cleaned her room. This, of course, was a monumental event, mainly because the Washington Monument could have been in there and nobody would have known because it would have been buried in a pile of clothes, cosmetics, hair care products, CDs, food, soft drinks and other items we don't even want to think about. What prompted this urban renewal project? As Lauren explained: "I saw a bug." That made Jerry the messiest person in the family. So Sue made him clean his office, the floor of which was littered with so much junk that he risked breaking his neck just to open the window. Now, having literally seen the light, he is promising to clean off the top of his bureau before Christmas and even to clear out all the stuff in the garage before New Year's Eve. As we all know at this time of year, God works in mysterious ways!

Speaking of junk, Lauren's car, which was almost as messy as her room, got a thorough cleaning after it was hit in the parking lot where she works. The person who hit her car was a cop. Insurance covered the damage and the guy at the garage cleaned the car at no extra cost. Will miracles never cease?

On the animal front, there was good news and bad news. The good news was that Ramona, the oldest of our four cats, did not die. The bad news was that Jerry had to shell out $165.10 to find out she was constipated.

Ramona is now fine, a big relief for all of us.

Lizzie, the family mutt, won the Pooch Who Can Smooch competition at Puttin' on the Dog, a local canine talent show that drew 5,000 people and hundreds of dogs. Jerry, whom Lizzie smooched, shared the blue ribbon. Woof! Next stop: Westminster.

Jerry and Sue went to Boston to visit Katie and her boyfriend, Dave, over the summer. They all went to a Red Sox game at Fenway Park, where Jerry, who got the tickets for Father's Day, extended his decades-long streak of not catching a ball, even though several were hit in his direction. The Hall of Fame has been notified.

Jerry's career got a boost when he was master of ceremonies at the Odor-Eaters Rotten Sneaker Contest in White Plains, New York. He also was a harness driver at the inaugural Reporters Race at Monticello Raceway in Monticello, New York. His horse finished last.

Jerry and Sue attended their 30th college reunion this summer at Saint Michael's College in Vermont and partied like they did when they were in school. They have yet to recover.

Everyone, thank God, enjoyed good health this year, although Sue cut her finger on a roll of aluminium foil while making Jerry's lunch, requiring her to go to the emergency room for stitches and Jerry threw his back out while removing an air conditioner from a window. As Lauren so sympathetically said: "This is what happens when you get old."

Well, that's the news from here. We hope your family has also been blessed with unusual events and is in better shape than we are.

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year with love and confusion from the Zezimas.

Jerry Zezima is a freelance writer.