Taking the mighty Mini on a test drive

The new Mini is bigger because people want bigger Minis. Yes, there are focus groups, and plenty of participants shout, “I want a smaller Mini!” But the very next question from the manufacturer is, “OK, would you pay for it?”

Hushed murmurs. The answer is always “No”.

If Mini was to build a mini Mini – for example, the 2011 Rocketman Geneva show star, a full foot shorter than the hatchback – the car would require an entirely new structure, about as much investment as the rest of the range combined, and yet in Europe it would have to come in at well under €18,000 (around Dh90,000). A cheap Mini simply doesn’t fit in with the company’s overpriced image.

Of course you could argue, quite effectively, that there are plenty of rivals out there, especially overseas, such as the Citroën DS3, stuff from Abarth, Renaultsport’s Clio and more, but since they’re all significantly cheaper than the Cooper, the guys sort of have a point.

This time though, I can’t really moan. It’s just a better bigger small car than anything else available. And the drive in Puerto Rico suits it immensely; I can’t tell whether the colourful island gels around our Volcanic Orange Cooper S, or whether the car is just one of the locals.

So the new Mini is bigger, but the most important thing is it still feels small. Sure enough you’re using your own little lane in the road (and they’re all little in Puerto Rico) and yet you discover there’s so much of it left unutilised, and that’s how the Mini can be fun at perfectly semi-legal speeds – the driving line is what you make it. That corner might be a long textbook left, but hang on; a chicken just got sick in a chicane. Puerto Rico in a Cooper S is fun… In that sense, not much has changed.

That increased track should equal great dynamics, and the engineers gathered in Puerto Rico kept reminding us to try the new Mini Driving Modes via a rotary switch behind the gear lever.

Slot it into Sport and the entire round dial on the dash lights up red, variably darkening in relation to the mood of your right foot. On the move immediately, the most apparent improvement comes from the stiffer body structure and longer wheelbase – it just does not ride like a scrawny little car.

A 2.0-litre is a big engine. You can get a Jag XJ with a 2.0-litre. I think you can get a 7 Series with a 2.0-litre. This one in the Cooper S is turbo-charged to make a carefree 192bhp, which is 11 more than before.

It’s got direct injection and the lot, and it’ll get it to 100kph in less than seven seconds. But honestly, it was a bit lost on me, especially paired with an automatic that makes this Cooper S a bit more “all growed up” than a Mini has any right to be.

I asked the Mini guys about the new rear-engined, rear-drive Renault Twingo (that’s what this segment needs, something truly fresh) and they were quietly impressed. But for Mini to come in with a significantly smaller car and compete with the Twingo, for example, at around €18,000 is crazy. The hottest hypothetical Twingo RS will likely retail in Europe for €16,000. There simply is no such thing as image-conscious premiumness (yeah, I hate that word too) packaged small. Just ask the Cygnet.

And that gets me on to the truly mini Mini in the new Mini range. And it comes with a psychological factor…A three-cylinder engine is small. The Cooper gets that one, and it’s a 1.5-litre turbo doing 136bhp and it’s only one second slower to 100kph from rest than the Cooper S. That’s nothing. It’s a small engine in a small car. That’s how it’s supposed to be.

Alec Issigonis didn’t set out to create an icon. He wanted an affordable, practical, very clever little car, and it looked the way it did because that’s how it ended up. And its concept, the idea of a brilliant little never-before car, is what made it an icon.

BMW’s Mini is very concerned with image, very fretful about how everything must look ‘Mini’. There is no such thing. It must simply look like a great concept, it must look clever, and cultural symbolism will follow in due time.

The original Mini was honest, and that’s what we all loved. The new three-cylinder Cooper is honest too. And it has such great steering.

The Cooper S is like a suit that throws on a fedora and purple socks at night. Tomorrow morning, though, he’s still a suit, in a boardroom full of other grey suits and a pie chart on Powerpoint.

A Cooper S just runs that chicken over. A Cooper stops and chats, maybe plays a little tag with the dog.

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