Mental Health Day: Ghosting, benching — how to deal with the mind-boggling madness of your situationship

As humans, we are constantly craving connections. Which is why we end up in situationships — kind of like discounted relationships with all the benefits and none of the responsibility. It’s easy to exit such an undefined arrangement for there really are no rules of entanglement. Unfortunately, it’s also an equation that’s ripe for mental games.

On Mental Health Day, we look at some of the mind-games people play and how you can diffuse the situation.

When they ghost you

What does it mean? This is when your date turns into a spectre — aka vanishes from your life. It’s sudden, and while the silence first worries you, it soon morphs into a feeling of rejection and subsequently, dejection.

What can you do? Dr Letizia Mugnai, clinical psychologist and family and couple psychotherapist at Openminds Center, Dubai, explains that silence can speak volumes — about them. “When someone ghosts us we need to remember that their silence speaks of their avoidance and vulnerability, not our worth. We can feel the pain and disappointment but we should not chase the person; self-respect is the healthiest closure,” she explains.

She suggests naming what you feel and talking about it rather than ignoring it. “That’s how you regulate, not react.”

Taking charge of your own narrative can also be empowering. “Write your own emotional ending,” she says.

When they gaslight you

What does it mean? You know you are in trouble when you have a disagreement and the partner puts the blame on you. Every. Single. Time. This, ladies and gents, is emotional manipulation at its finest; the truth is twisted just so to ensure that you question yourself and your decisions.

What can you do? Breaking patterns — especially those with a kick-back — is difficult. “Leaving isn’t always immediate or feasible (because of finances, children, etc.). “Many people get hooked because the relationship had enough positive moments (or began very positively). So, it becomes a question of how to survive it with as much integrity and safety as possible,” says Dr Sonakshi Ruhela, counselling psychologist, at Openminds Center, Dubai.

It calls for some questioning and introspection, she adds. “You must identify the pattern of treatment, slow things down, rebuild self-trust, and decide whether the relationship is safe enough to maintain — and if not, to leave.”

“If gaslighting is part of a broader pattern of emotional or psychological abuse, it’s essential to seek professional or social support and, in severe cases, plan a safe exit strategy,” she adds.

When someone is Zombie-ing you

What does this mean? Finding closure or accepting that a relationship has run its course is like grieving, it takes time and effort. But when you have buried your past and picked up the broken pieces of your heart and are trying to move on, there is that sort of soul who will resurrect itself and make a comeback. It could be a random message or just them ‘running into you’. The meeting can leave you distraught.

What can you do? Ghosting, which is step one in the process of Zombie-ing,  is a form of emotional manipulation or avoidance. “The pain of abandonment is amplified by ambiguity — you don’t get closure, you are left wondering, replaying things, missing clarity,” says Dr Ruhela. “When the ghoster returns, one should proceed carefully. Start by asking yourself: ‘What is my motivation to respond?’ Are you seeking their validation, closure, or trying to feel “worthy” again?”

“Our craving for connection can make us impulsive — but distance can bring clarity, so take an emotional pause, limit your interaction, set stronger boundaries, observe more and share less.” And remember, sudden disappearances point to a pattern – if you don’t erase the possibility of it, it will repeat itself.

When you have been benched

What does it mean? When you are the back-up plan. The second or third, or fourth choice. There’s enough interaction to make you feel special, sometimes. But you know you are not — at least currently — the priority.

What can you do? You need some tough love, a reality check, acknowledgement that you have in fact been relegated to someone’s after thought. “It’s unfortunate and common in the dating world today,” says Dr Ruhela. “Clarity is power in such situation — think through the mixed signals, observe their actions, and don’t fall for what they say.”

At this point, she adds, it’s important to reach out to your social circle for support and affirmation in your self-worth, or meet a psychologist who can professionally help you to get out of this traumatic — and toxic — space.