How to 'grey rock' toxic co-workers — the easiest way to beat office drama

It’s called grey rocking now, but our mothers and teachers knew it long before it had a name: “Don’t react. Shrug your shoulders. Say hmm.” The idea is simple: When you stop feeding a bully your reactions, you stop being fun to provoke. Stay flat, calm and disengaged.  Offer nothing for the other person to grab onto, and eventually, they might just get bored and walk away.

It’s a bit like that childhood story about the man and the bear — the man played dead while his friend ran off, and the bear lost interest and left. (Of course, that’s just a story, folks please don’t try this with a real bear)

It is difficult, no doubt. Improbable in many situations, for sure. But it’s a concept that deserves some acknowledgement at least. Is there really a point in fighting fire with fire? What if you just get burned?

Some people just need the drama. So why give them what they want?

 The truth is, behaviours typically increase or decrease according to the kind of response they are met with,” explains Dr. Tara Wyne, Clinical Psychologist and Clinical Director at The Lighthouse Arabia. “If you say hello to a stranger and get met with a smile, your behaviour will be reinforced and you will smile at more strangers. It’s all about how a behaviour is rewarded. Grey rocking denies the reward the other person is expecting, you remove the payoff and they move on.”

 In a workplace setting, a manipulative and toxic person, behaving inappropriately, would expect to be met with anger, resistance or acquiesance and submission. Both types of responses reinforce the behaviour. “A neutral indifferent response deprives reinforcement and can lead to the manipulator disengaging and eventually their attempts to bait you lessen as they have nothing to push back against,” she says. So, when you’re flat, brief and ‘boring’, there is a chance that the manipulative flow is broken, and you have deprived it of oxygen.

 The reason why ‘grey rocking’ can have this effect: When one person is so activated and interacting with the other, there is a tendency to match the affect and physiological activation of the other. And so, you get heated in conflicted. With the grey rock response, you can still defuse your own nervous system.

Think of it as dropping the rope in tug-of-war. You can no longer be pushed or pulled, explains Dr Wyne. You simply let go, and give no energy to them.

Rima Bizri, Associate Professor at the School of Management in Canadian University Dubai, agrees: “The grey rock technique targets what most manipulative people are really after: your emotional energy and reactions. Think of it this way — toxic people often operate like emotional vampires. They create drama, push your buttons, or start conflicts because they're feeding off your responses.”

When you stop feeding that behaviour, she explains, it eventually dies out: “Most manipulative people will eventually get bored and move on to someone who gives them more of a reaction.”

However, going quiet doesn’t always diffuse a situation. In fact, it might worsen it. Dubai-based Sheila (name changed on request) doesn’t believe in the idea of grey rocking at all; moreover, she feels that people are human, and if they’re hurt, triggered, they can’t always control their emotions. “It might work for some, but it is difficult to keep your emotions in check, especially when people resort to manipulative games and lies. You have to find a way to shut them down,” she says, referring to her own experience, where she tried ignoring troublesome co-workers, but instead, it grew worse, because they just doubled her workload, almost backing her into a corner.

 Such people who need outlets for their own unhealthy emotions, don’t know when to stop, she says.

 Dr Wyne provides an analogy to explain further. “Perhaps the best analogy here is when an angry wilful child is exhibiting their rage with a parent, They will typically up the ante and raise the volume and intensity of their protest or complaint,” she explains. “Similarly when a manipulative coworker’s tactics don’t work on you because you are grey rocking, they may escalate, basically digging deeper and being more determined to provoke a reaction from you.”

 Dr Bizri calls this an ‘extinction burst’— the moment a toxic person realises their usual tactics aren’t working. “A manipulative person might become more aggressive, create bigger scenes, or try new tactics to get a reaction from you,” she says.

 And, for those who try their best to disengage, might end up getting further triggered and take longer to heal.

 And in the workplace, grey rocking can be misinterpreted entirely. “Grey rocking with a colleague or superior could be understood as passive aggressive behaviour, indifference, insubordination,” warns Dr. Wyne.  Managers might even flag it as disengagement, adds Dr Bizri. “From the outside, it often looks identical to someone who's disconnected, or just not a team player. Your withdrawal might be interpreted as you being difficult, not them being manipulative.”

 It’s a defensive and self-protective strategy: We are trying to make a stressful situation easier to manage, but not solving the situation. Dubai-based Camille, recalls trying this very tactic for months at a toxic job, and says that nothing came from it. “I thought that I was preserving my energy, but I was actually more exhausted and disconnected when I got home. It just made me really cynical, so I associate this with trying to walk past a house on fire.”

Perhaps there’s a reason why she feels so strongly against it.  When we stay wary, apprehensive for too long, we become more tense.

We are hyper vigilant, watching and waiting for the other to aggress us. And so, our stress reactions and anxiety are prolonged, harming our nervous system. We’re always in a permanent state of low-grade sympathetic nervous system activation. It’s unhealthy and untenable for the long-term, explains Dr Wyne.

 Dr Bizri refers to this as ‘emotional atrophy.’  “When you spend months or even years suppressing your natural reactions, you might start losing touch with your own feelings and needs,” she says. “Some people find they have trouble 'turning back on' — they get so used to being emotionally flat that they struggle to connect authentically even with safe people.”

Dr. Lucy Bolton, Associate Professor in Business Psychology at Heriot-Watt University Dubai explains that it further contributes to stress, burnout, or feelings of disconnection over longer periods of time. It’s like becoming a brick wall in a conversation which may deter manipulation, yet it can also block genuine connection if used indiscriminately.

So, while grey rocking protects against manipulation, it needs to be balanced with healthier coping strategies like setting clear boundaries or seeking support. Grey rocking is a self-protection tool, not a personality.

As Dr Bolton explains, if you do notice that you’re using grey rocking a lot, it might be a sign that something deeper needs attention, such as setting firmer boundaries or getting extra support.

 Both experts recommend using the technique sparingly and with clear intent. Stay conscious of how often you utilise this and know that overusing this tactic takes something away from our authenticity and integrity. As Dr Bolton explains, "A calm 'I’m not comfortable discussing this' can be more powerful when combined with a neutral tone."

This combination can help employees remain professional and reduce any unnecessary workplace tension by making it clear what behaviours are unacceptable while still engaging constructively in workplace interactions.  

So finally? Grey rocking can make you feel invincible when you first discover it —a way to starve drama without getting pulled into endless arguments. But it’s a tool, not a lifestyle. Use it strategically, protect your mental energy, and remember to come back to your real self when you’re in safe spaces.

 Returning to Dr Wyne’s metaphor of dropping the rope in tug-of-war, you should know when to pick it back up.

When to use it:

 With manipulative or toxic coworkers, acquaintances, or people feeding off your reactions.

 As a short-term strategy during stressful encounters.

How to do it:

 What to avoid:

 Quick reminders:

 Grey rocking is a tool, not a lifestyle. Use it strategically.

 Step back into authentic connection in safe spaces.

 Monitor your feelings — if you feel constant stress, detachment, or emotional atrophy, it’s time to reset.