The Dirty Dozen

1. The novelty tie
   
   Cartoon characters, small animals, exotic fruit, football club insignia … none of these has any right to appear on a necktie. If you, however, do feel the urge to show people, via your clothing, that you have, like, a really zany sense of humour, then you're about as funny as a chronic gum infection. Remove all such items from your wardrobe immediately. And while you're at it, grow up.
    
2. Winkle-pickers
   
   Distasteful, and unnecessarily feminine, the pointed shoe - and we're talking serious, eye-gouging pointiness here, is an item that will both repulse and amuse (not in a good way) the opposite sex. Go on, slip a pair on, step into public view, then brace yourself for the deafening cacophony of female laughter.
    
3. Mismatched belt and shoes
   
   Teaming black leather with brown leather is a big no-no. The rules are relaxed however for coloured belts, especially ones in man-made fibres.
   A white canvas belt can look good with less conventional shoe colours and styles, such as suede. But leave big belt buckles for Rodeo riders.
    
4. Velcro trainers
   
   You should know how to tie a shoelace by now. Velcro is popular with Nasa astronauts, and children because it is a fastening that requires little dexterity and minimum time. Zips, buttons and laces are the only acceptable fastenings for clothes worn by a fashion conscious adult male.
    
5. Crocs shoes
   
   The very idea that grown men wear these things should give any right-thinking person the creeps.
   The cut-off point at which a man - or rather, boy - should quit the Crocs is ten years old. Comfortable and practical as they look, a man's feet should never be encased in something the colour of candy and the texture of cheap patio furniture.
    
6. shin-length shorts
   
   Did your tailor cut your trousers during a flood?
   It's a wonder no one's come up with some awful hybrid name for these sartorial abominations.
   
   Trorts, for example, or shousers?
   
   It's a garment that can't make up its mind - just like this writer can't make up his mind as to whether he should physically assault the clueless dorks who wear these things or pity their tragic dress sense...
    
7. Tasseled loafers
   
   Loafers have their place in the world but the pointless tassels with which they are sometimes embellished do not. They are the pompoms of the shoe world, daintily bouncing around as we walk, creating an unnecessary and alarming distraction.
    
8. Ties with short- sleeved shirts
   
   A look favoured by mid-level supermarket managers and clipboard-carrying factory foremen who probably let their mothers do their clothes shopping. Ties should only be worn with long-sleeved shirts that are devoid of embellishments such as epaulettes and logos.
    
9. White sport socks
   
   White socks should never be worn with jeans, and as for with a suit, get out of here! They're not called sports socks for nothing. Wear them while taking part in physical activity or not at all. Well, all right, maybe on your hand as an impromptu puppet for your two-year-old child.
    
10. Baseball caps worn backwards
    
    As seen on Howling Mad Murdock, the certifiably insane character from the A-team. Unsurprisingly Murdock wasn't the cool one who got the chicks. That was Face, and he was far too suave to even entertain the idea of wearing a baseball cap backwards - or any baseball cap for that matter. Teenage skateboarders might get away with it; you, however, can't.
     
11. Sunglasses indoors
    Note to all transgressors: You're not as cool as you think. Rather, you look like you've just been beaten up and are hiding a pair of bulbous black eyes. You might get away with it if you're an internationally renowned lead guitarist in a rock band, but let's face it, you're probably not.
     
12. The Mullet

Many haircuts from history have been revived to admirable effect - from the medieval pudding bowl to the Teddy Boy quiff to the Don Draper style, Brylcreemed parting. The reason the mullet - short on top with long ratty locks at the back - hasn't is because it plumbs the depths of awfulness. Commendably, there are fewer mullets in Dubai than there are rainy days, but they have been sighted on occasion. Usually on the heads of American tourists from states where country and western music is still unfathomably hip.