Spare the rod...

The task of preparing our children for life outside the UAE lies squarely on our shoulders. As parents, we are the ones to guide, advise and administer discipline.

Are we doing it right, or do we fob off responsibility by blaming the child's place of learning, UAE society or circumstances for their shortcomings?

This article is not about corporal punishment; although a lot can be said for spare the rod and spoil the child, the concept of punishment by beating has become rather an anachronism. This is more about enabling them to be streetwise, yet at the same time encouraging them to have empathy with and respect for others.

Keith Rose, a dual citizen of Britain and New Zealand, has a boy studying at a New Zealand university. He believes that we are too soft on our kids as we do not force them to do what many of their contemporaries are doing overseas, but at the same time the laws in this country make it impossible to do so. "Children here are less able to join the real world at an early age as teenagers are not allowed to work in casual jobs such as a paper round, working in a shop or washing dishes in a restaurant," he says. "Gaining experience like this would build up their worldly knowledge as well as confidence in their ability to get out there." Juveniles under 15 are not allowed to work in the UAE at all.

Julia Church, British-trained midwife and now teaching assistant, agrees. "In the UAE we are living in a bubble. Children are sheltered from real life by the country's rules — that is, who is accepted to live and work here and who isn't." She feels expatriate residents in the UAE enjoy a high standard of living, are physically and mentally fit and fall into a certain age bracket.

"Although it's all very cosy here, there is also a kind of unreal feeling as the world just isn't like that. So when youngsters get to leave here and discover beggars, thieves, the extremely poor and extremely old people, it can be a shock to those who are not helped beforehand to be streetwise," she says.

Another factor to consider is the UAE's nationality mix. "There are so many people from all over the world, each with their own ways of bringing up children. Some use methods that I might consider too harsh, while others might find my approach too soft," she says.

No ordinary task

Mother of two teenage boys Dolores Iyer, originally from India, feels the same. "It's extremely difficult to set boundaries what with Dubai being so cosmopolitan. Standards of expected behaviour differ widely from family to family and even between the same nationalities," she says. "Also, I think parents here have a challenging time bringing up their kids, for without a support system of relatives around we tend to indulge them."

South African Henri Schomper, Managing Director, Integrity Risk Consultants, puts it in a nutshell. "Common courtesy, manners and respecting others of all ages are what we want our children to aspire to. Many succeed, but many don't because we sometimes fail to instil strict discipline — we are too soft on them. The problem is that once they grow up and leave the cocoon of the UAE to face the real hard world, their bubble will burst. Trying to cope with realities will be difficult and they will fail unless we balance the soft with strict discipline."

This failure of expatriate teenagers to cope when they move abroad for the first time has been documented in the local press. >

Last year Gulf News carried a report about two UAE students who attended universities in the UK. They found themselves lured by the supposedly decadent student lifestyle — the widely accessible clubs, beverage outlets and unlimited supplies of alcohol and other substances — so much so that their studies, finances and well-being suffered. The traumatised two returned to their Dubai nests to finish their studies.

It was "a terrifying transition from a strict, sheltered, expatriate lifestyle", quoted the article. Arguably, it could also be an indication of weakness in their characters, but is this inability to adapt more a fault of the parents? While international columnists who love to pounce on anyone from Dubai who falls off their supposedly elevated perch, branding them "wimps, wusses" or "spoilt rich expat brats", would say so, this culture shock is a real issue.

Learning curve

Zimbabwean Stephanie Johnstone found her first year at Portsmouth University in the UK a huge learning curve. "I didn't know how to use a laundrette, catch a train and never had to post a letter before," she says. She also found it took her a while to sift out true friends as she was automatically labelled rich, lazy and spoilt. "When I stopped mentioning where I was brought up [Dubai], attitudes towards me changed." On the other hand, Anna Peach, now at Leeds University in the UK, fared well. "I slotted easily into the UK system. Our family used to return here at least three times a year, so I got used to the way the country worked. Settling in wasn't a problem for me."

Carolina K. from Britain found her two girls settled well too. "I feel my kids in the UAE have had the opportunity to mature quicker and have had the confidence instilled in them to take on responsibility earlier than they might have had elsewhere," she says. "They have been nurtured not only by us at home but by their school, The English College, which always gave them a sense of belonging. When they moved back to the UK two and three years ago for university, they were perfectly equipped to hold their own."

Perks and privileges

While children here may not be exposed to the ups and downs of life experiences contemporaries may have in other parts of the world, they are more privileged. Are they spoilt? Having a mobile phone, iPod, game console, laptop, desktop, BlackBerry or all of the above, plus the added advantages of having a driver, personal sports coach and a full-time domestic helper or two, could, in worldly terms, be considered spoilt.

"While it might be the norm here, having these perks is not as common in the rest of the world as our kids think," says Schomper. "But that's the perception many children growing up in the UAE have."

However, Schomper does not consider technology perks as being soft on children. On the contrary, he says, these perks were "…ideal disciplining tools (for those who have done away with corporal punishment) as they provide a great lever for parents. When some discipline is required, the effect of removing just one of these perks is amazing!"

The expatriate child's world is international and with just a little step in the right direction they could be worldly-wise too. If parents expect their children to cope in their home countries or places they are sent to study, the onus is on them to lay the foundations.