Is success the third wheel in a marriage?

Recently, I met up with an old college friend I had not seen in years. Over a cup of coffee we discussed life, etc and it pleased my heart to know that she had landed herself a job that fit her profile perfectly, was doing well in life and also had two lovely little girls. Eventually, our talk veered to how marriage had reshuffled priorities in our lives when she explained how she had been struggling initially to find her footing back into the job scenario after the short break she had taken to raise her children.

Then into our second cup of coffee, she began opening up about how her marriage had suddenly hit a rough patch.

Ten years into the union and she was at a crossroads – deciding whether to carry on, or cut off. “I am not sure if my husband is entirely thrilled about me getting back to work,” she said. “I notice he gets irritated when I talk about what a great day I had at work. He quickly changes the topic when I begin discussing my office or career achievements; sometimes even passing a taunting remark on my success. It’s getting to be too much.”

As I was listening to her, I remembered a conversation I had had with another friend not too long ago. There appeared to be some parallels. She had climbed to a senior management position in her company and was taking home an enviable pay cheque not to mention handsome benefits.

Over dinner on a weekday to celebrate her success, her conversation too had steered towards how once she started tasting success in her career, her husband appeared disinterested to learn of her professional achievements. “It is as though he is jealous of me!” she had exclaimed, exasperated. He’d often suggest that may be she was just lucky to have landed the position; at other times he would send her on a guilt trip about being “less present at home and with our children”.

The incidents the two friends mentioned made me reflect on the fact that as a society, for long have we been conditioned to believe that men are the primary breadwinners. If the woman were working, she would be bringing in just the jam.

Although women almost across the world are now holding top positions in the corporate sector, clearly some men are not willing to – or happy to – respect and acknowledge their successes in the work place. This is perhaps particularly evident in homes where the man might be at a slightly lower rung of the corporate ladder in comparison to his wife.

The conflicts that this scenario can trigger often spill into their marital life resulting in frictions that are tough to reconcile.

But should there be such tensions between a couple when one succeeds over the other professionally? Is marriage not the commitment and union of two individuals working to build a life together?

Festering a notion

“Our success is usually defined and measured by external factors. This is a reason we often look to blame others when we fail to find successes in our professions, or life in general,” says Supriya Sahai, an ICF Certified Coach based in Dubai. “I once had a client who felt that her husband was not supportive of her work. During the course of a few sessions, we realised that she did not really know what she wanted to do. This is one common cause for unwarranted emotions forming in our minds. We are not clear or sure of what we really want – from life and in life. We need a reality check every now and then.”

Supriya knows this only too well – at one stage in her life, she too experienced some fears and uncertainties.

“To be honest there was a point where I felt my husband and I had some strains [in our relationship] and wondered whether he was envious about how well I was doing. However, I caught myself also wondering the very opposite – that when I didn’t have a job and was desperately seeking meaning or direction, was I perhaps envious of his success?” says Supriya.

One of the ways women can avoid these negative emotions from festering in their minds is to redefine success for themselves. This is one way to move forward and shrug off negativities. “Personally, I defined mine by setting certain priorities: I wanted to have a family, raise my children and spend quality time with them. I decided to not have any ‘artificial poverties’ in my life. I had things working in my favour and decided to use them to leverage my life rather than drown it with insecurities.”

Supriya moved to Dubai 12 years ago with her husband. A graduate from the reputed National Institute of Design in Ahmedabad, India, she initially found it a tad tough landing a job of her choice and which suited her profile. The mother of two admits to experiencing strong unsettling emotions. “Soon enough, I began to blame my husband for the situation I was in, having to uproot to a new city and leaving my job prospects back home in India.”

However, luckily for her, before she could sink deeper into the pit she had been subconsciously digging, Supriya decided to take stock of her situation and work towards improving her lot.

“I decided I wanted to change the story,” she says. “The more I was able to look within and focus on myself, the less I ended up blaming others for how I felt, or for my insecurities.”

Keen to transition from a retail space designer to a professionally qualified life coach, she enrolled for a course in 2012 while she was expecting her first child. Over the years, Supriya has been putting in her all to establish herself as a development coach. Today she is proud to have a client base that spans the globe.

Communication hurdles

Supriya believes that one of the biggest problems in any relationship is lack of communication. “When I was troubled and dealing with my insecurities, I decided to openly communicate this with my husband. I told him about my thoughts and doubts, and he understood them. The more I acknowledged the elephant in the room, the better I could tackle it with my husband. And now, 14 years on, we are much stronger than we were initially.”

Nicola Beer, founder of Relationship Transformations and the Holistic Life Therapy School, agrees. “Partners must talk to each other about their fears and insecurities. Open communication is crucial for a compatible relationship,” she says.

Experiencing insecurities is not a gender-specific issue, Supriya makes it clear. Men may feel the same emotions too. It is not uncommon for men to brush away as less relevant his wife’s professional achievements and success, although many refrain from voicing them out. 

Money, says the life coach, is frequently associated with independence. “I dealt with my own doubts and insecurities by keeping an open channel of communication with my husband. I once asked my husband why he questioned me about my expenses or spending behaviour. He understood my concerns and sat me down to explain our personal finances so that I understood why and if there were restrictions on our expenses. He explained to me that he was securing a safer future for us. This open communication is relevant in any marriage so that both partners understand that they are on the same team, and that money does not, and should not, divide them,” says Supriya.

Tackling finance-related issues is tricky and could easily lead to tension and friction, she says. “But there is truly nothing that cannot be tackled if the communication channels between the partners are open and smooth.”

Supriya also feels it is essential for spouses to understand that both people need to evolve and grow within a relationship. Ten or 20 years down the line, no one remains the person they were when they got married. “This change is inevitable and it is vital for partners to understand and grow with each other. They must understand that priorities may change. You take complete responsibility of who you are, and what you want, and define it for yourself.”

Nicola Beer: Six ways to combat insecurities between a couple and help them sustain a healthy relationship

1. Communicate: Partners must find time to talk to each other about their fears and insecurities. Open communication is the important thing in a compatible relationship.

2. Set rules: Decide a no-phone time for a couple of hours a day where both partners can spend uninterrupted time with each other.

3. Quality time together: Decide and engage in family activities.

4. Divide and rule: Share household chores and activities to lessen the burden on one individual.

5. Be a team: You support each other – your individual goals and your shared dreams and goals. It is vital to go through your life’s decisions together, finding out what you both really want and finding a way to accommodate one another.

6. Budgeting: Financial success and ambitions can often times lay stress on a relationship. I have often seen the pursuit of financial success damage relationships and may even end up in end up in divorce. Go through finances together, budget each person’s expenses as well as combined expenses.

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