Focus: traditional male role models

16:40 Gulf News: Changing gender roles are forcing fathers to be more than just the breadwinners and creating a closer bond between father and child.

16:42 Ishfaq Mir: I agree. Today, we see more fathers engaging in activities related to their children. They are more aware of their responsibilities and their role is not limited to just being the breadwinner. A reason behind this change may be the fact that families have shifted from being joint families to nuclear families. Earlier, there were more people to take care of the children in the house, but now due to families being smaller in size; parents feel the need to take care of the children together, instead of leaving them to other members of the family. Fathers are now keener on sharing a strong bond with their children. I, too, am a father and I can proudly say that I actively get involved in all matters related to my children.

16:43 John Mathew: I agree, a role model can be either male or female. Traditionally, it was the female but now with changing gender roles, or balancing the breadwinners in the family, males can take a breather and a chance to spend more time at home. Ironically, as a female becomes the breadwinner, I have heard stories where the internal rate of competition forced the male counterpart to put in more time out of home to compete against his better half’s income. In that case, the situation becomes worse.

16:47 Anju Chhatwani: I agree, as Ishfaq says, nuclear families have brought a good bonding between father and child. In joint families, the child looks to others for fulfilling their demands, but nuclear families have shared responsibilities. Fathers tend to relax thinking that the other will take care of the child’s demand, but lone fathers have become more caring, sharing and responsible. Being a father is the most fulfilling role a man can have.

16:47 Shalini Menezes: Fathers today have to wear more than one hat, as a father figure and a friend. This highlights the need for fathers to have a strong bond with their children. I say that because I see my husband giving a very patient ear to all that our children have to say and even contributing in finding solutions to their never-ending problems. Yes, times have changed but it is imperative to draw a good balance between family and career.

16:48 John Mathew: This again gives rise to a major conflict between materialism, traditions and family values. Despite the increase in comfort standards, there may still be a belief that children benefit more from having one parent spending time at home. Comfort standards don’t always mean perfect family values.

16:50 Anju Chhatwani: Children may not see everything you do, but they can learn a lot from hearing about what you do — from yourself and from others, and maybe even years after you’re gone. All the things you do will help your children build their character.

16:51 Ishfaq Mir: The more you work, the more you earn. Agreed, but if your children aren’t happy (due to the lack of time spent with parents), then what is the use of all those earnings? We earn to give our children a better life, but we cannot ignore the fact that they don’t only need money and materialistic pleasures but also family love.

16:51 John Mathew: Fathers need to spend more time logically; however, it might not be the case in many countries.

16:41 Bhernel Rejoso: I agree, it gave me more quality time to spend with my child. As a partner, I feel like having more equal share of responsibilities in raising a family. Role model is not about being traditional, it is fulfilling your dreams of raising a family.

16:52 Gulf News: Rising divorce rates cannot be blamed for a lack of role models as a single happy father is a better parent than when he is in an unhappy relationship.

16:55 John Mathew: I disagree. I came across an interesting article in Journal of Research in Crime, which raised the fact that a proportion of single-parent households in a community predict a rate of violent crimes and burglary. Imagine one or two million children being raised in fatherless or even motherless environments, this sounds scary.

16:57 Anju Chhatwani: I agree. Parenting roles are interchangeable, neither mothers nor fathers are unique or essential. Children do best when they have a consistent and caring relationship with at least one responsible adult. The optimal outcome for children are associated with a particular cluster of parental behaviours including: showing affection, being responsive to children’s needs, encouraging children to do well, giving every day assistance, providing supervision, exercising discipline and serving as role models of positive behaviours.

16:58 Shalini Menezes: Today, divorce is due to various reasons, hence, pinning the reason for divorce as lack of role models is surely not right. It’s true that children need love, care and attention of both parents to live a fruitful and healthy life, however, this too has conditions. If the parents are not compatible and leave a scar on the child’s mind, then, of what use is such a relationship? The couple needs to consider all possible options to make their marriage work, but if there are no options left, separation would be the only choice. It’s hard on the child and will leave another scar on the child’s tarnished memory. Parenting is an institution in itself and is constantly changing with time.

16:58 Ishfaq Mir: Yes, I agree. If one partner is unhappy with the other, then it’s a direct influence on the child. The frustration keeps building up with time and eventually is taken out on the child. Such situations would further worsen the relation between the parent and his child as the father cannot explain his circumstances to the child, nor can the child understand the reason behind his father’s unfriendly behaviour. However, if the parent is happy alone, then he will make sure he gives his best to his child and will do all it takes to fulfill the duties of both the parents single-handedly. There are many single fathers out there who have managed to take care of their children.

16:59 Bhernel Rejoso: I disagree. I’ve known people who have been raised in a broken family and it’s really hard to cope with their attitude. No one is guiding or motivating them to live a life they deserve.

17:00 Ishfaq Mir: However, I would also like to express that the best way to raise children will always be the traditional way, with both parents fulfilling their respective duties together.

17:00 John Mathew: I disagree with Ishfaq on the fact that if a parent is happy alone, he will give his best to the child. We really need to define what happiness means to that specific individual as happiness might mean being alone and partying all night long, so where does he get the time to spend with his child?

17:01 Anju Chhatwani: The mental health and well-being of children may simply depend on the presence or absence of a number of variables such as, economic well-being, access to educational resources, encouragement to achieve, an involved parent or parents, and absence of destructive conflict between parents.

17:01 Shalini Menezes: There have been studies, which have found that children raised in happy homes are happier, regardless of being a one-parent or two-parent household. Times are changing and at times the only choice left is to either end a tumultuous marriage and become a single parent or stay married for the sake of the children. However, if this becomes so abrasive that the children suffer, then it becomes self-defeating.

17:02 Shalini Menezes: Ishfaq, traditions are being diluted with the modern lifestyle, wherein each parent needs to be the breadwinner, friend and coach. It’s very stressful and being raised by a single parent has its downside as the love and care the child would receive from two parents is instead combined into one.

17:03 Ishfaq Mir: Mr John, my point was to mention how the parent would be free of the tension of being in an unhappy relationship, which otherwise would have occupied his mind. This would lead to a better relation between him and his child as he would be happy.

17:06 Shalini Menezes: Parenting is a an art where parents are constantly learning every day and with tumultuous and changing times, both parents need to contribute in their own unique way to raise happy as well as mentally and psychologically healthy children.

17:07 Ishfaq Mir: Of course, I never said that it is easy to raise children alone, but after all the efforts you put in, what matters is how well you manage to take care of your children. Some fail in this task and others pass well. Some are able to take the stress and others aren’t.

17:07 Shalini Menezes: Fathers need to complement the role of a mother and many more roles in order to maintain the equilibrium at home, and yes, contribute in his own way to a healthy and positive society. No matter which country or the traditions each one follows, the contribution of a father and mother are equally important for the child.

17:09 John Mathew: I’m already thinking of how challenging that will be when my wife goes on her next annual leave and I have to take care of my daughter alone.

17:09 Ishfaq Mir: In conclusion, fathers are now more involved in the upbringing of their children; and a happy single parent can be a better one than an unhappy couple. However, the best thing for the child will be the love and care of both the mother and father, equally.

17:10 Anju Chhatwani: Very true Shalini, but the place you live in has equal impact on the upbringing of the child.

17:11 John Mathew: Ishfaq, you are again putting in a judgmental statement ‘fathers are definitely involved in upbringing’.

17:12 Anju Chhatwani: The truth is that you can’t make a baby without both parents involved. Then, how would society come to the conclusion that children don’t need their father or mother in their lives? Why should parents think that they can leave and the children will be just fine?

17:13 Ishfaq Mir: Mr John, among all the fathers I know of, all of them are active in matters of their children. I do know that there may be some who aren’t, but that doesn’t change my opinion!

17:13 Shalini Menezes: Fathers have a direct impact on the well-being of their children. The most important influence a father can have on his child is indirect such as the quality of the relationship with the mother of their children. A father who has a good relationship with the mother of their children is more likely to be involved and to spend time with their children and to have children who are psychologically and emotionally healthier.

— Compiled by Donia Jenabzadeh/She is a trainee with Gulf News