How men and women communicate differently

I just don’t understand you

A new study has proved what’s always been believed: men and women communicate differently. The modern man may moisturise, cry and be more in touch with his feelings than ever before, but when it comes to telephone conversations, emotions go out of the window – he only tends to call if he wants something

At first glance, Rupert was everything that Carol could ever hope for in a partner. Tall, kind and considerate, he got along great with her family, worked in the entertainment industry, was easy to talk to and was fantastic in the kitchen.

“My first few boyfriends were so macho, they constantly proved their masculinity by walking out of the door instead of discussing our relationship problems,” explains UK-based social worker Carol. “But Rupert was the exact opposite. He was more metrosexual and in touch with his feelings.”

But no matter how emotionally in tune Carol thought the couple were, there was one problem: he hated talking on the phone, and the pair couldn’t hold a decent conversation unless they were face to face.

“Considering how much he travelled for work, that turned out to be quite a big problem,” says the 28-year-old. And as soon as this communication crack appeared, it began to shatter their seemingly perfect relationship.

For Carol, staying in touch with Rupert while he was travelling was essential. But no matter how much they emailed or texted, she found that, much to her frustration, they still grew apart emotionally.

A new survey by British Telecom has revealed that men and women treat phone calls very differently. And for Carol and Rupert, it was their differing communication habits that ultimately ended their relationship.

According the survey, men’s ‘quality’ phone calls consequently contain around three times as much functional content (50 per cent) compared with women (17 per cent).
Women’s calls by contrast include almost three times as much personal conversation (28 per cent) compared with men (10 per cent).Six months after their break up, Carol is still thinking about where she went wrong. “It’s not always the men who need help communicating, though,” she says. “I realise now that I could have done a lot better myself.”

So how can men and women ever hope to communicate their love to each other in the modern world?

Men, it seems, only phone when they want something. According to the study, which analysed nearly 500 phone calls and investigated the calling habits of over 2,000 adults in the UK, this is because men and women don’t have the same criteria for what constitutes a ‘quality’ phone call.

Men often consider conversations that allow them to get what they want, such as information about what time to meet for dinner, as ‘quality’ calls.

Women on the other hand, more frequently look to forge an emotional connection with the person on the other end of the line.

The reasons for this are varied, says relationship expert and psychologist Emma Kenny, as women’s and men’s brains work differently physiologically.
But a large part of why the sexes communicate differently has to do with how they process their emotions.

“Communication stems from emotional awareness, so if we’re brought up to be more logical and less emotional – like men are – then it will be harder for us to communicate apart from to convey information,” says Emma.

“So men will prefer to speak on the phone about functional matters such as what time to be home for dinner or whether the kids have been dropped off at school,” she explains. “This results in women expecting men to be as emotionally aware as they are themselves, and can lead to a woman thinking her man doesn’t understand her emotionally.

“But this isn’t necessarily the case,” she adds. “Men are just as capable of deep emotional thoughts and feelings as women are – they’re just not used to expressing them.”

While we might feel like we’re in constant communication with our other halves, that’s a common misconception.

“These days people are communicating by texting and using facebook, but they’re not doing it in an intimate way that allows them to be closer emotionally. It’s an assumed contact rather than an actual contact,” says Emma.

“We’ve become so used to communicating about the mundane events of everyday life – such as what time to meet for coffee or quick texts consisting of ‘How r u’, that the times when we do really ‘connect’ with each other resonate strongly within us.” The trouble is finding the time.

So how do you ensure that you have a meaningful conversation with your partner, either on the phone or in person?

“Practice,” says Emma. “While the research confirms that men and women communicate differently, the way they reflect on good communication is in fact very similar.

“All those involved in the study, whether male or female, agree the best conversations occur when in comfortable surroundings, away from daily distractions and in a relaxed environment – usually sitting or lying down, and ideally with a cup of tea at hand.”

Top tips on communicating

1. Assume nothing: Talking on the phone means you don’t have any body language to pick up on. Instead of reading into things, be clear, concise and prepared to listen.
2. Save yourself: You’ll have more quality conversations the more time and space you make for them. “Do you really need to talk to your mum or man 15 times a day?” says psychologist Emma Kenny. “Try calling them twice a week and see if the quality of your conversation improves.”
3. Ritualise your time: The British Association for Sexual and Relationship Therapy (BASRT) suggests setting aside at least 30 minutes for discussing issues with your partner. Kenny agrees: “The best conversations are those that take place with space and time. So put the kids to bed, kick your feet up, have a cup of tea and give yourself time for a good chat.”
4. Be clear: Successful communication involves saying what you feel and need, not asking your partner to be involved in a guessing game, says Kenny.“Your partner isn’t a mind reader. Say what you need out of the relationship, and if after that you still don’t get it then at least you’ll know you asked.”
5. Know when to quit: Nothing will be resolved if the discussion goes awry. Schedule another time and spend some positive time together in the interim, advises BASRT.
6. Write it down: “If you’ve got gripes with your partner, say nothing, write it down and sit on it for a few days,” advises Kenny. “Then, take a look at what you’ve written and only discuss the bits that still feel bad to you. Very often you realise that whatever was upsetting you wasn’t your partner, but your bad day at work.”

Crossed lines

Communication gaps also occur face to face. In a gentle way of asking her partner to clear up the messy kitchen, a woman remarks, “Look at how many dishes are in that sink.” Her unsuspecting husband replies: “Yes, there’s loads,” and carries on reading the paper. It’s a classic case of a man not understanding what a woman is saying, and of a woman not saying what she means.

Jean Hannah Edelstein has written a book, Himglish and Femalese, to clear the air.
The premise is to show how men tend to communicate briefly, while women do the opposite. “That can cause chaos”, she warns.